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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP- getting a dog

51 replies

coralpig · 18/03/2016 16:38

Trying to be as objective as possible in this post as DP thinks I'm being unreasonable.

DP and I are a young couple, we're in our mid 20s, getting married this summer and just bought our first home. We are lucky enough to own it outright but we don't have a lot of disposable income- we're still studying so we live on his student loan and my PhD stipend which runs out in 18 months. I'm not on track to finish on time so potentially looking at up to a year with no income or very little income - whatever I can get from ad hoc teaching.

DP is 2 years off qualifying as a doctor so going into a stable career. I'm trying to become a lecturer but I'm certainly not guaranteed a job anywhere in the UK, let alone where we're currently living.
We both work and volunteer part time so generally out of the house until the evenings and I travel most weekend. We have small pets.
That's the context.

DP really really wants us to get a dog within a year and has researched dog breeds that are compatible with 9-5 working. He's desperate. He thinks we can afford it because we don't have rent/ a mortgage to pay.
He grew up with pet dogs and loves them.

I love dogs but I don't think we can. My arguments are that we don't have much money, we should build up savings as we hope to start a family in 3-4 years. We also don't have jobs yet and may have to consider moving.

I also don't think it's fair on the dog as we are so busy and our home is quite small.

DP thinks I'm being really unreasonable and keeps bringing it up. AIBU?

OP posts:
MidnightAura · 18/03/2016 18:15

Yanbu

Please don't get a dog! There is no breed that is happy being left 9-5. It's cruel to do that to a dog. We have a pup and we only have her because I can be at home.

Any dog you get with your lifestyle it really wouldn't be fair.

RedOnHerHedd · 18/03/2016 18:34

We would've liked a dog but we were both working long hours and thought it wouldn't be fair on the dog to leave it alone for a large part of the day. It's not just food costs either, there are vet bills which add up, de-flea treatments, worming etc. But the biggest thing would be leaving it alone all day. There's there's the potential for boredom to set in and things to get chewed. I think you'd have to devote quite a lot of time training a dog in the early days, of which neither of you have time to do.

Anyway, we decided to get a cat instead. And he sleeps if we're not home. Much better to have an animal who is self reliant rather than one who is completely reliant on you.

JizzyStradlin · 18/03/2016 18:53

If he's a trainee doctor, won't he be doing long and unpredictable hours for some time yet? Because if that's the case, lots of the care of this dog is going to fall to you.

pigsDOfly · 18/03/2016 18:54

Why exactly does your DP want a dog, other than just being desperate to have a dog? Has he actually questioned his own reasons?

As pp said a lot of people are keen on the idea of a dog but have little idea what's involved.

He's probably got the romantic idea in his mind of you as a couple having lovely walks with a beautifully behaved dog by your side.

It's not going to happen with a poor creature who is left alone almost all of it's waking hours.

What you'll end up with is a lonely, untrained, neurotic dog who will chew up your home with boredom and annoy your neighbours with it's constant howling and barking.

Please don't get a dog.

Wolfiefan · 18/03/2016 18:57

No dog would be ok to leave all day. Sorry.
If he was planning to use doggy day care then maybe ok.
Would he volunteer for a charity like the Cinnamon Trust.

expatinscotland · 18/03/2016 18:59

Your DP is being unreasonable.

AlpacaLypse · 18/03/2016 19:03

I run a dog walking and pet care agency. A one hour walk will cost £50 per week. And in my opinion that isn't enough, certainly for a young active dog or for a dog who's had a rough time in the past. We charge £35 per day for full day care (this is being one-to-one with a host family, not kennels).

Putting on my other hat as someone who does home checks for a local rescue, I can see very few circumstances in which we would offer you any of our dogs, and we are pretty flexible, we will consider all circumstances - for instance we don't automatically rule out families with young children, or households where people sometimes need support from a dog walker.

PageStillNotFound404 · 18/03/2016 19:07

YADNBU.

There is a scheme that matches owners with people who would like a dog but can't have one of their own for whatever reason. I suggest that as a compromise until you're better set up for a dog, OP - either in terms of one of you working PT or being able to afford doggy daycare.

BorrowMyDoggy

Gabilan · 18/03/2016 19:14

I would absolutely love to have a dog. However I'm usually out of the house for 10-12 hours a day so I don't have one. I do have cats - ferals so they can be left. Even they greet their food me when I get home. He's being U and selfish.

whippetwoman · 18/03/2016 19:27

I really wouldn't get a dog. They are so limiting and so time consuming.
Try and get him to think of these possible scenarios:

Feeling really properly I'll and partner away - still have to walk the dog
Feeling hungover - have to get up and walk the dog
Freezing cold and rainy night, plus awful day at work - still have to walk the dog
Dinner party at friends house - will need to get back to let the dog out
Day at a National Trust house or museum - dog can't go, have to get back for the dog
Drinks after work - nope, need to get back for the dog
Let's go for a weekend away - have to find a dog sitter/kennels
Not to mention that a lot of people really don't like dogs. So you have to spend A LOT of time making sure they are fully trained and socialised or people will express their annoyance, believe me.

I do actually have a dog. I do love him but it really is limiting.

TheCraicDealer · 18/03/2016 19:39

He'll be working crazy and unsocial hours and you need the flexibility to be able to move (even just during the week) to where the work will be post PhD. He could be looking after it on his own for a lot of the time; does he want to be coming home after a long shift to a dog that wants walked because it's been cooped up for twelve-plus hours? Does he want to be dealing with angry neighbours complaining because the dog was pining or barking all night?

And when you do have a bit of spare time together you'll want to spend it flaking out or going and doing stuff or going away, none of which is really conducive to having a dog. It's just not fair on the pup.

VerySlovenly · 18/03/2016 19:47

It would be really, really irresponsible to get a dog. When he's a junior doctor he'll be working stupidly long hours and who knows what work you will be doing. It's a dog that needs attention and companionship, not a toy.

There is no breed "compatible with 9-5 working" because there is no breed that is resistant to loneliness and isolation. If he doesn't have that empathy for the dog you'll just have to put your foot down and say no.

Kittykatmacbill · 18/03/2016 19:59

Yanbu - might be alright this year with him as a student and at home finishing up your PhD. Definitely won't be during his foundation years, next time he on a ward with a friendly f1 or f2 he should ask them about their rota , that might help put things in perspective.

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 18/03/2016 20:11

Even if there were a breed that was compatible with 9-5 working, he won't be working 9-5, will he?

brassywind · 18/03/2016 20:15

He IBVU. We have a dog. A lovely 9 month old Labrador blue heeler cross. We both work long hours 8 to 6 is the average for me and 8 to 4 for DH. Daft dog was at home by himself to start with with of us coming home at one point during thr day, but it wasn't enough contact for him. He ate everything, literally everything ... wooden planks, hoses. Anyway dog now goes to day care and it was the best decision ever. He is no longer bored he is stimulated and well exercised and is a pleasure to own. So, unless you can give a dog lots of attention and exercise yourselves or you can afford a doggy care place don't get a dog.

luckyjazz · 18/03/2016 20:19

YANBU, my DP wants a dog, as do both my DDs, I do not, I'm under no illusions, I would be the one walking, feeding, cleaning up, they all say they'll do it, they promise, but I know my family well, and they will, for a few months, then it will all fall to me.

I'm a SAHM so no issues with lack of company, attention for the dog, but..I don't want the responsibility, And I'm a dog lover, your DP is being unrealistic, over the next few years as a junior Doctor he will be working insane unsociable hours, who's going to pick up the slack? You OP, it will be you.

Monkeymarbles · 18/03/2016 20:35

I have a greyhound. When they are racing they are only out of kennels they're only out twice daily. So when I had mine she was happy to stay at home when I worked 9-5 (Walked before and after). They are lazy dogs who need two short walks a day and chill out in between. I think it is possible but you need to consider your breed carefully. There are 100s of greyhounds who need rehoming and they're lovely dogs who need minimal exercise and sleep most of the time.

diddl · 18/03/2016 20:55

"has researched dog breeds that are compatible with 9-5 working."

That will be none then.

Dogs are supposed to be companions, part of the family!

Spudlet · 18/03/2016 21:02

YANBU. Don't do it! The potential for a miserable dog and a destroyed house is massive. No rescue centre worthy of the name would consider this, nor would any decent breeder.

How about signing up to Borrow my Doggy? Until you are in a position to have a dog of your own.

SpanielLedWeaning · 18/03/2016 21:31

A lot of dogs can form destructive habits if under stimulated. This can be bad for the dogs physical and mental health. Habits include shadow chasing and paw chewing, both of which are difficult to break. Although a dog might only need 30 mins walk a day, company is a completely different thing.

Alexa444 · 18/03/2016 21:36

Tbh it is money that would concern me. A new puppy will cost you a good £1000 in the first year alone. Vets bills can run inyo thousands if it gets sick or hurt and you dont have insurance.

Keletubbie · 18/03/2016 22:06

I preface this with the fact I love my dog to death. She's smashing.

I rescued her as a companion when I was diagnosed with a chronic illness and thought I'd never work again. My partner worked from home too.

Fast forward two years, I'm single and back at work, battling chronic illness and motherhood and the dog is probably neglected. She gets lots of love, but is home alone for 5 hours a day. May not get a walk for a day or 2, although this doesn't bother her as she is old and arthritic and expends a lot of energy in the garden.

I was going to return her to the rescue centre, but she was there 4 yrs before I brought her home and don't think she'd find another home :(

NameChange30 · 20/03/2016 00:37

I've just seen this recent thread of yours in which you describe your DP's OCD behaviour and defensiveness about it. If he has OCD and refuses to admit it, let alone get treatment, he is hardly a good candidate for dog ownership!

madasa · 20/03/2016 01:08

We have two dogs that are the best of friends and keep each other company while we are at work. However, I still pay approx £200 a month to have them walked at lunchtime as it's not fair to leave them all day.

SohowdoIdothis · 20/03/2016 09:00

researched dog breeds that are compatible with 9-5 working

I would be very interested in knowing where this research has come from, if you could find out and provide a link I would be very grateful.