To not send a baby shower gift?

[backtobedplease]

My cousin is due to have her pfb soon. Here's the background....

She is godmother to dd (who is 4), but has shown no interest whatsoever in dd, forgotten all but one of her birthdays, and never sent a christmas or birthday gift. A few weeks ago ds arrived, premature and poorly, and she managed to send a card but no gift. In contrast her brother, my other cousin and his wife (who i don't really know and wasn't expecting to hear from) sent a lovely card and a some clothes.
My cousin is expecting pfb in a few weeks time. I have declined an invitation to the baby shower (it is 200 miles away and they only gave a couple of weeks notice), but in response was told where I could send my gift to since i couldn't attend.
I am a bit miffed about the lack of attention/ interest in dd and ds, and it feels like adding insult to injury to be expected to send gifts to someone who is not prepared to reciprocate. I will probably send something for the baby when it comes, but it feels like a bridge too far to send her a baby shower gift too. AIBU?
I'm not working at the moment and money is tight, but i don't want to be petty and I don't know how to decline to send a gift, having been asked without making myself look really bad!

Dont send a gift. Id just say "I prefer to wait til the baby is safely here to choose them something"

YANBU, at all. Bloody hate baby showers, grabfests. I'd have been at being told where to send a gift, presumptuous cheeky gits.

No, YANBU at all. You are under no obligation at all to send a gift for the baby shower and is is downright cheeky and grabby to ask for one. I would just ignore the message. Do not explain and no not apologise. If you wanted to, you could send something small when the baby is born but you are under no obligation to do that either.

Just ignore.

Agree ignore.

Also think just ignore

Ignore it! I've never in my life heard of someone being told to send a "baby shower gift". How greedy and rude.

Ignore, ignore. Ridiculous concept.

Sometimes the person organising the baby shower sets more store by the gift than the recipent. Not a reflection on the expectant mother.
Personally I would not send a gift until baby is born but I would send one when baby comes.

If you are actually going to a shower (as opposed to a non-shower party that happened to occur during honouree's pregnancy) then a gift is of course obligatory.

If you are not attending a shower, none of the obligations of shower attendees falls to you.

How you get this across to someone who doesn't appear to be aware if even the basics if a shower is however beyond me.

What did she do when your first child was born?

Agree with everyone else just send something once the baby is here...if I've been to a baby shower I don't then give another present when the baby arrives (card and flowers but not another baby gift)..its one or the other in my opinion and if anyone thinks thats rude they are downright ungrateful..

Rude to ask for a present to be sent

in response was told where I could send my gift to

How rude!

I'm also in the 'I hate baby showers' camp. My advice is also to totally ignore, after all she seems to have had no problem ignoring your DD

Are you expecting to be chased up if no baby-shower gift is forthcoming? By whom?

Thanks everyone. I'm relieved you're thinking much the same.
When dd was born she sent some clothes a couple of months later.
I will def send a gift for the baby once its born.

If i'm chased for the baby shower gift, it will be by her sister in law or mother/ my aunt.

I don't give to receive. I would send a gift off my own back- but being asked? Nah. Fuck 'er .

I get where you are coming from though OP. My parents picked godparents for me that have never, and never will, pay any attention to me but that's them in a nutshell

So:
Grabby relative: Have you sent a gift for grabby cousin's baby-shower yet?
You: No.
Grabby relative: Are you intending to?
You: No.

Job done!

I would ignore it too and wait for the baby to arrive.
I'm not a fan of baby showers and wouldn't attend one if invited.

Ynbu. She practically snubs your children. What's good the goose is good for the gander.

"If i'm chased for the baby shower gift, it will be by her sister in law or mother/ my aunt"

That makes it a bit easier.

Do nothing. If they chase you, then the answer is: 'She must have confused me with someone else. I'm not going to the shower, and I turned down the invitation yonks ago. She can't be so silly as to think that people not going to a shower take part in the showering?"