Shouldit always be a given that siblings are invited?

[lill72]

My DD has a group of friends we have known since she was born. They are now at school and we organise regular catch ups. The things is, most of the group now have siblings, so we have grown. So now every catch up has to include the rest of the siblings. And as they all have different nap times, etc, it can all get a bit frustrating as we have to accommodate the needs of the siblings also, when it really is primarily about my DD's mates catching up. Some things are just impossible to organise. I dont know how to say just her friends are invited without offending. Just sometimes it would be easier and then you could do things more age approrpriate to then. Dont know how to broach it. What would you do? I dont ever assume my youngest is invited unless specified and actually it is good to do some things just with her.

Why could you not all go ice skating and take it in turns to watch the smaller ones? Or take your daughter ice skating (or to a show)on her own and meet the other mums elsewhere (at a park).

arethereany - it doesnt work like this. It is assumed all the family is invited - even if they dont ice skate etc. I dont assume and didnt bring DH an sibling and they though that was odd. I thought it was off the whole family came but maybe it s just me. Surely nice for DD to do some things without younger sibiing in tow?

But it's up to them, isn't it?

They can bring the babies, look after the babies, their lookout

Why is it a problem?

Absolutely its great for you and your DD to do stuff without your younger child. Certainly stuff like ice skating or a show are likely to be more fun without a toddler in tow.

But if you are meeting friends and your dd is playing with them, they surely the mums are generally sitting talking while the 5 year olds all play together? if that's the case then there's no problem with your younger, or anyone else's younger child being there?

Maybe all the adults like to meet each other as well?
Does your OH not like them?

I was under the impression that this was at your house. I think you're overstepping the mark if you wish to dictate whether the younger siblings come ice-skating.

I have a formerly really good friend, our oldest boys are formerly 'best friends' (they're now in different schools and have grown apart a bit).

One of the many, many reasons that I find her annoying as hell is because she's always trying to get me to not bring my younger son along with the older boys when we meet at restaurants. I find it interfering in the extreme, not to mention that my younger son thinks her older son hung the moon.

I wouldn't presume to include him in 'playdates' between the older boys, but if we're having lunch, the younger one will be joining.

Why not concentrate more on the people and friendships rather than the activity?

It seems like the activity has become more important than catching up with friends.

Do skating, cinema etc at other times, and arrange to do something appropriate for everyone when meeting the group.

You've just got to see it through, OP. It's inevitable that the group dynamic will change over time, with younger siblings and even (shock, horror) people who weren't part of the original group joining in. Now my DC are older teens, they have a lovely relationship with the other children and younger siblings they hung out with at toddler groups and the like. They've all gone through the same primary and secondary schools and sixth form college, and see each other in the mixed age tutor groups at secondary school. They share paper-rounds based on who's got exams to work towards and need a break or who's on holiday. Look after each other's pets in holidays. Arrange lift-shares to various activities. Not because they're best friends, but because they know each other and their friends' families well and feel comfortable in their company.

Your DD is getting to an age where age-appropriate activities are best done in a group without all parents going along. Parents, I'm sure will meet up without children (book groups, sporting activities, etc). You'll need to wean yourself off the idea of the original group sticking together, especially as the children will start to find their own friends. We, with older children, have all been through this and it won't be long before your DD is choosing not to invite all your friends' children, with or without siblings, to her birthday parties, but she'll happily maintain good relationships with them without them having to live in each other's pockets.

I just think it would be nice if the group - ie mums and 5 year olds could catch up without the entourage. but this never happens.
I would find that odd and it doesn't really fit that well into most people's lives.
These sound like family outings for the mums as much as the kids, so it makes sense for all the siblings to be involved.

Do you have another circle of friends for your younger child? (mums & children)

It sounds like these activities take up a significant part of the day. Both my DP and I work full time, we want to do activities all together with other families. Otherwise that's a whole afternoon not seeing each other, when you only get 2 days together that's a big chunk of our time off.

Scholes yes you are very right in all you say- I guess I am at the beginning of this journey and this meshing of families if the natural progression. And I do love it that we are so close. we in fact go on family holidays every year together and the mums have even done a trip together. I guess I am just not into big group things sometimes - I dont like them all the time. Sometimes I prefer smaller group things or even one on one things. You know? I am also a SAHM so some time away from my littlest one to spend time with my DD is good.

Logical - I hear what you are saying. I am new to all of this i guess but it is the natural progression I guess. doesnt mean I have to like it all the time though I guess. I am not a fan of big group things in general I think. like trips with a big group - I always feel like the alpha people take over and I have no control or say over what we do. I dont like this. Not sure if anyone else can understand this. Not sure why i am like this but i just am

But guess I will just have to adjust - as scholes says.well put and nicely put.

There are probably some rose-tinted spectacles in there somewhere, OP, but it does, on the whole seem to work out okay and there are lots of lovely people out there that you and your DC have yet to meet - plus a fair number of not so lovely people you'll be avoiding too.

Thanks Scholes - I am sure you are right. It is all just new to me so I guess I shall just look forward to the journey! The lovely and not so lovely!

They're not quite your DDs "mates" because at 5 the kids are too young to have much say. I'd say when theyr'e about 8 and if they're still asking to see these children, then they're mates. And naturally what will happen is that smaller groups will form.

Look its really the mums who are friends the kids are 5 with brothers and sisters now so the dynamic has changed not everybody has babysitters or wants to spend time away from their other kids why dont you cut down the meet ups 1 month the 5 year olds the next just the mums its a natural progression I think.

If the mum needs to be there then I think you have to accept siblings are part of the package.the father probably has his own plans

You'd have to come up with something pretty spectacular each weekend for me to leave half of my family at home to spend time with you.

I'm sure you can invite one mum or family at a time to your place or for one to ones. Why not?

And what do you mean by alphas? Is it people who suggest things to do, or do they actually override other suggestions?

It sounds like a pain tbh but I don't think there's much you can really do about it unless you start seeing them individually then it's less of a hassle to organise. I also wouldn't like the whole entourage coming but I don't think there's much that can be done about it.

OP I am recently starting to experience the other side of this. Birthday parties for my eldest (original NCT group turning 3), most of the others seem to leave the baby siblings at home with dad or grandparents. I don't have local grandparents and DH is usually busy with work or something else so I take the baby with me. I have definitely felt some judgement around this though (mainly smug comments about involved dads)

Nephro taking a baby along to a party is FINE. Not everyone's partner can have days off work etc. if they're the one working full time. But if the parties are on weekends, then why doesn't your DH sometimes take the baby so you can have quality time with your eldest?

Do you meet up every weekend?

Doesnt it get boring? Wouldnt you rather do something just you and dd or you and your family?

Meeting up every week for five years shows some dedication to this group! I used to meet up once a month with the other mums, for a meal out, no babies and no baby talk :) Then we moved and lost touch. Which was sad, but our children didn't really have a connection to each other, especially once they started at school and developed their own friendships.

It sounds as if you feel a bit on the outside of this group with other people doing all the organising. I think you should meet up with them a bit less often and start to build some other friendships. You might find in a couple of years that the children start not getting on so well as they develop their own ideas about who they like to spend time with.