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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at my friends reaction to our mutual friend sleeping with unavailable men?

51 replies

marjerydawes · 17/03/2016 13:08

That's is really, all in the title.

There's four friends that have been close for a number of years- my friend we will call Angie had an awful marriage, newly divorced and has been going out and dating and rebuilding her and her children lives- we have all supported her- looking after children, hand holding when the divorce proceedings were stressful etc.

I went for a catch up with our friends minus Angie. My friends were telling me at a birthday party held at her(the friend who was at the catch up) house which I was not able to attend Angie got completely drunk and slept with the party host's husbands friend.(Who is married with two young DC)

They all found this hilarious- furthermore (the 'couple' went into the lounge)some of the guys thought it would be a scream to go outside and film what was happening not realising Angie and the man were having full sex- after they passed it around it was deleted immediately on the sayso of my friend. This conversation continued where they all laughed at said "ah bless Angie- she's had a terrible time she really needed that- he's quite a catch!" etc Hmm I was shocked. I didn't think that my friends were like this. It doesn't help that my partner cheated on me years ago when my DD was baby, I know I am projecting massively. I cannot help myself I just feel really sad for the partner of the man who shagged Angie- she is not my friend but our paths, included that of her DC, cross very frequently.

Since- Ive been told via group text- not in person, Angie has gone to conferences and slept with one married man- she did this knowingly, she knows how much this can destroy a family. I am upset at her but equally my friends who support this and find it salacious and hilarious.

OP posts:
IWantToLiveInPawnee · 17/03/2016 21:45

I don't understand the reaction from your friends, any of them, regardless of Angie's tough times, why would you potentially wreck another family or be accountable for ruining another woman's and her family's life?

Maybe we're in the minority? I don't know anybody who would condone this behaviour and certain,y not find it humorous.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2016 21:57

I would be reviewing the whole of this friendship group

Have you been very unlucky or have you got shit taste in mates ?

TheStoic · 17/03/2016 23:18

Could you tell your friends how you feel before writing them off?

I can understand people not being black/white about these things, but to actually find it fun and amusing is weird.

You're obviously not 'unforgiving' if you're still with your husband after he cheated on you. It's up to you, but maybe extend them the same chance. If you think they're worth it.

Primaryteach87 · 17/03/2016 23:25

I agree Angie needs support and maybe some hard conversations. Sounds like her self esteem is at rock bottom and she is trying to regain it in damaging ways, for herself and others. If I was ever in Angie's shoes I would want friends to cared enough about me to lovingly confront me and support me. Not ones who laughed and thought it was funny while I destroyed family lives and still felt shit.

Tabsicle · 17/03/2016 23:32

This may sound weird, but are you sure both married men are in monogamous relationships? It just seems peculiar to me that absolutely no one except you is even commenting on the infidelity.

KoalaDownUnder · 17/03/2016 23:38

I still can't get past the bit where they filmed her. Gross. Really?!

Angus sounds as if she's got some serious issues. The rest of them just sound like fucked-up teenagers.

Are they otherwise nice/kind/decent people? Because none of this fits with any of those adjectives.

MrsLupo · 17/03/2016 23:51

YY to everything Hygge said. And what on earth is your DH thinking, OP??

TopHat33 · 18/03/2016 00:08

YANBU but I agree with what primary said. Angie's actions are those of a wayward teenager not a responsible adult. I'd be concerned about her.

GarlicShake · 18/03/2016 00:40

Angie isn't going to choose a concerned friend over ones who cheer her on while validating her existence by shagging cheats. They sound horrible, and it's not unlikely they will turn on Angie, but they're what she thinks she needs at the moment.

Yanbu, marjery, and I hope your DH screws his brain in sometime soon.

LapsedPacifist · 18/03/2016 01:17

The filming shit is the deal breaker.
Beyond vile.

LifeofI · 18/03/2016 01:21

People who have this attitude of 'the wife isnt my friend' show their lack of morals and i wouldnt put it pass them they may one day shag your husband.
It is hard when you have been friends with someone so long but i have cut of two friends because of the same thing, I cannot sit their and listen to them going on how 'urgh his GF called him it pissed me off' like wtf!

Baconyum · 18/03/2016 01:24

Hygge has put it really well.

Awful people, definitely need new friends. And none of my friends would think any of this acceptable behaviour either.

Original poster
marjerydawes · 18/03/2016 07:13

Yes the DH, how can I be that hard and unforgiving and picky if I forgave him.

Yes my friends have been there for me during a very bad episode of PND and when I broke up with DH they were wonderful which is why I'm wrestling with it. I have decided to cut myself off and ask myself a few questions.
ANyfucker, I thought I was unlucky but perhaps my friend "picker" is completely off. I wouldn't like my DC to have friends like these so equally they aren't any good for me. Reading back responses to this thread they do sound like teenagers and act that way when drunk!

OP posts:
Slowlygettingthehangofthings · 18/03/2016 09:53

Haven't read the full post so apologies if I am repeating. Given your personal experience of the devastating effects of infidelity it is unsurprising that you are finding your friends behaviour difficult to accept. Her own situation does not excuse the damage that she is helping to inflict on the families of the men involved.

If these friends were mine, I would distance myself from them. If they asked, explain how the conversation is re - opening painful wounds for you.

coconutpie · 18/03/2016 10:15

I could not be friends with someone like Angie because I think sleeping with a married person is unforgiveable. However, your other friends are in a whole other league of disgusting behaviour - they film them having sex, they pass it around and they all think it is hilarious? That is just rotten altogether. I could not even tolerate being in the same room as those shitbags after that. The person I feel sorry for is the man's unknowing partner - would you consider telling her? I know some people say mind your own business etc but I'm sure lots of women in her position would prefer to know what their scummy husband was up to.

Original poster
marjerydawes · 19/03/2016 13:57

Coconut- no way, it was mentioned in passing on more than one occasion that this manis a "dog" it's not my business to say anything, I don't know her.

OP posts:
AppleSetsSail · 19/03/2016 14:01

I don't know anyone IRL who would dump a very good friend of many years for sleeping with a married man.

That said, this group of women sound unbelievably crass and I'd be searching for an escape ASAP.

Waypasttethersend · 19/03/2016 14:07

YANBU recovering from a bad marriage by helping fuck over other people in theirs? They are all scum as is the shit of a husband.

And I'd be asking your DH why it's so important you are less "hard and unforgiving" with people? Perhaps he's scared you'll change your mind about forgiving him.

Original poster
marjerydawes · 19/03/2016 14:13

Way- I already put that to him! He was remarkably cagey and hasn't mentioned anything since. I had a history with relationships that if I was shat on- that was it- no redemption, just fuck you. My marriage changed that.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 19/03/2016 14:35

My attitude is also generally to be less hard and unforgiving and I certainly haven't cheated on anybody.

I just have the attitude that people do make mistakes and that unless you've walked a mile in someone's shoes it's very hard to understand why they have acted they way they have.

If I see someone making a pattern of knowingly treating someone like shit and not being remorseful I will judge. If I see someone who appears to be in distress making poor choices which are just as harmful to them as anybody else I tend to feel a lot more understanding.

Personally in this situation I would be judging a man cheating on his partner and humiliating and exploiting a vulnerable and drunken woman far more harshly than I would Angie.

Angie sounds like a fucking mess who needs the riot act reading to her and made to understand that she needs to start having more self esteem and respect and limiting her alcohol intake. If she kept on doing it I might change my mind.

RhiWrites · 19/03/2016 14:56

Angie sounds like a mess and the friends sound vile but the person you should be judging is the married man having full sex with a drunk woman while people film him. He's a shit who takes advantage.

I'd tell the mutual friend who's been cheated on who her husband really is.

MissusWrex · 19/03/2016 15:14

I'd be wondering just why my dh thinks I should go easier on a friend sleeping with people's husbands and others who support this....

Do they see each other at all/much or is Angie 'your' friend?

MyNameIsAngie · 19/03/2016 15:54

This thread has been really strange to read as my name is Angie.
I'm recently separated too, but have not dated since, or indeed shagged any MM so it's not me! < phew! >

Damselindestress · 19/03/2016 16:10

I'd be disgusted with that group of friends and drop them. They seem to think it's all a big joke and don't appear to have any empathy for the poor women being cheated on or for Angie who sounds like she's in a bad place and needs help, not her so called friends gossiping about her and secretly filming her having sex and passing it around ! Don't they realize how wrong that is? I would let her know what they have done. She deserves to know what her friends are up to behind her back and it might be a wake up call about her situation too.

Original poster
marjerydawes · 19/03/2016 16:32

She knows about the filming and it wasn't done with consent- they went outside to film thinking they'd be snogging or some such.
It got deleted that night

OP posts:
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