To not chip in for BILs gift

[PiperChapstick]

BIL (DHs brother) is a lot a bit of a twat. Won't go into chapter and verse of why, but he's a mysoginistic, rude, ungrateful, selfish and all round unpleasant person.

He never buys cards or presents for birthdays/Xmas, not even for DH and DD, or his sister and nieces/nephews. Even though his mum lost her own mum a few days before Mothers Day, he didn't get her a Mother's Day card (things like that mean a lot to MIL).

The only time we've ever got cards and presents is when he's had a GF and they've clearly made the effort on his behalf. Because most of them have run for the hills before long, we haven't received cards or presents in about 3 years (DD is only 2.5 so has never had one). He has a DD, who we always buy cards and presents for, and last few years BIL has got a card but no present. At Xmas, we opened gifts at MILS and we'd got DNiece (his DD) a tricycle. She loves it and rode it all day, but BIL "couldn't be bothered putting it in the car" so left it. It's still at MILS

It's not a cash flow problem with him - he works 40 hours a week a £20ph. His rent is only £400pcm and he only pays £40 a week child maintenance, plus regular bills (before anyone asks, he has told us this before when he's moaning about paying "too much" child maintenance to his ex). Plus he smokes weed like it's going out of fashion, God knows how much that costs. So he's not skint, he's just selfish and thoughtless.

Anyway, he is 35 next week - which DH says is a 'big birthday' - and DH wants us to get him a card and £50 voucher like we did when his sister turned 35.

I've said he can do what he wants, but it's not coming out our joint money, it can come out his own. I don't see why I should fork out for someone who has ignored us and DD for years in the present stakes.

DH says I'm being mean and didn't appreciate my joke that drug dealers don't do vouchers and that's it's only fair as SIL got the same - but SIL is actually a nice person who makes the effort with us all.

AIBU to begrudge BIL and make DH pay for all the voucher - I don't suppose BIL will ever know (or care) that this is how we paid for it. I just get sick of everyone pandering to him when he shows no appreciation back.

YANBU. You don't owe him anything and should be buying/giving him nothing, should he have the nerve to ask why he didn't get anything I would be blunt.

Yanbu, he can get to fuck.

I certainly wouldn't have the money coming out of joint money.

and 35 is not, and never has been, a landmark birthday!

YANBU. Gifts are from the heart; he's not in yours and for good reason.

Tell husband again: his money or no money for BIL. It's amazing isn't it that when he has to stump up for all of it how suddenly the love isn't there quite so much... telling.

I don't care. I now hate your bil too and would be contacting his ex to tell her what he earns so she can get the proper amount of child support.

My BIL is also a total wank stain.

Ask your husband exactly why he's pulling out the 'blood is thicker than water' nonsense about his boorish brother - tell him bullshit is thicker than either, and BIL isn't getting any of your hard-earned cash.

Actually I agree with your DH but we are in the minority!

Wouldn't bother x

God there are some right mugs on this thread! YANBU OP - he'd be getting nothing from me

Yanbu.

Fuck. No.

I'd give him just what he gave you on your last bday! And your dd on hers! And your dh on his.

He doesn't deserve anything!

What did he get for your dh for his last landmark birthday? Do the same for him.
We had similar with bil demanding £50 of each his siblings and probably others so he could do a experience day for his 40th. Dh (who's older) pointed out that he hadn't received anything fir about 5 years including his 40th and didn't pay.
Coming up to his 50th now and I'll bet we get another demand.

Are you Ross?

You do not have to treat the siblings the same. He makes no effort you are not obliged to give him £50 of your hard earned money!
And 35 is not a landmark birthday!
Yanbu it is £50 spent on weed.
Yanbu to say dh gives it put of his own spending money. I wouldn't even give him a card.

Could you not offer to your DH that you'll sort out BIL's gift? Bear with me, could have fun with this...

Buy him some tat from a pound shop (I've even found a lovely suggestion below* that kinda has a look that a stoner would appreciate ) then wrap it up in v v naice wrapping paper, bows etc (partly to throw your DH off the scent that you bought BIL crap) - sit back and enjoy the look on his face on the big day!

*Naice gift suggestion

How old is your DH and what did BIL buy him for this landmark birthdays

DH is 33 and got naff all for his 30th!

Interestingly, BILs ex buys for all the children though!

I wouldnt be at all surprised if the voucher was still sitting on his shelf in 10 years.

If you DH is daft enough to spend his hard earned cash on the selfish tosser then let him, but you are NBU at all to refused to contribute.

I see no reason for treating the two siblings the same. The difference is that SiL presumably gives your family presents and cards, BiL doesn't. It's reasonable to assume from that that he sets no store by such things, and 35 really isn't that big a deal anyway.

I would keep the money for your exSIL (your BIL ex)

How on earth does he get away with paying that amount if child maintenance?!!!!

I was wondering that Queen, on £800 a week income, he should be paying twice that!

35 is not a big birthday and you should stick to your guns and make DH pay, if he wants to, out of his own money. Your BIL sounds horrible.

I'd give the money to his ex.

YANBU he's not your problem brother, he's DH's. He's shown no interest in your baby/toddler, so why are you expected to show an interest in him?
His lifestyle goes against your core values that you hold precious. Why would you want to contribute £50 () to that?
If DH wants to, let him waste use his money. You use yours to take your dc & yourself out for the day.