AIBU (I probably am) or is my mum?

[Jen3110]

Hello everyone, I've been coming on this site a lot, since I found out I was pregnant, but I've never actually posted. I just don't know what to do anymore, and I'd love some advice.

I'm 17, I'm pregnant (due in May)... I'm not pregnant due to my own stupidity, it wasn't my fault, but that's a whole different story.

I was attending Sixth Form, from September - October. However, I could no longer continue. I developed depression, and was struggling with my emotions, due to the way my baby was conceived. I was referred to CAMHS and started medication - I also started doing my A-Levels from home, it costs around £1000 and you just get a folder (with the course material in) and an online tutor, who you can text. When my nan passed away, my brother and I, both got £1000 for education; this is how I paid for them. I'm using Birthday/Christmas money to pay for the exams - I still have around £500 left.

CAMHS couldn't do much, do you to my age - I also stopped the medication, due to the baby, and it also didn't help much. However, doing the A-Levels from home, was helping a lot, and I was definitely doing much better. I try to do 5 hours of studying a day, but sometimes I feel awful (due to the pregnancy) and maybe do 2-3, but then do my best to catch up at the weekend. Yes, I'm behind in the modules, etc. but I have worked it out, and I do still have enough time for it/revision, before my exams. This isn't good enough for my mum, and I do see where she is coming from, she wants me to do good in them - however, I do not need them for the job I would like. I know that doesn't mean I shouldn't try my best, I'm definitely trying my hardest, but they're not that important, that they'll ruin my future, if I don't get As, etc.

I try and explain that I'm not having any of the half-terms off, etc. that people get at school, but nope, that's not good enough - she knows loads of people that are doing more hours/working a lot harder than me... However, I am still trying to get over my emotions and pregnancy. She's also telling me I need to get a job, because my brother did. I have £500 to pay for my exams, and my grandad is going to transfer me some money each month, for his grandchild - I'm so very grateful for this. Getting a job is too much for me, right now. I'm struggling to do the hours anyway; adding a job will make it worse - especially when I never ask her for money.

She is telling me that she'll make me homeless at 18, if I don't have a part-time job, and go for full custody of my baby :( I'm doing 4 hours of volunteering, a month, so I have something good on my CV too.

Please give me some advice x

Thanks all.

I haven't dropped out of college? I'm doing them with an open study one, they're just from home - I also have no plans to stop doing them! It was the right decision, my mental health was getting worse in a school setting, I had no choice... I'm glad I made the decision :)

I would go to uni, if the job I wanted required a degree, but it doesn't, so there's no point in me using £27,000 on a degree I don't need... I would say the job, but I'd hate for my mum to see and if I wrote that, she'd know 100%! :) I'm doing the correct volunteering thing which will help me get it, though.

Yes, I do know all my grammar, aha. I'm pretty sure I learnt most of it for GCSE! I also know having a baby will be hard, of course and I wouldn't have had a child now, at all. However, I do not agree with an abortion, even though it wasn't my fault, a baby is growing inside me and I would die for it already - it's everything to me and deserves a chance at life and I'll do my up most to give an amazing childhood!

Sorry if I missed anything x

You are doing so so well

Your mother is perhaps panicking or trying some kind of tough love thing... But what her motivations, her ideas are NOT helpful.

Don't try and get a job, with 8 weeks to go before you give birth, that's ridiculous! Who would employ you except temporary zero skills zero hours type jobs, and whilst you're spending all your time and energy job seeking you will spend less time studying.., the result being low grades of dropping out, and at very best a few shifts doing a job which won't set you up for anything in the future.

I would worry that if your mother really is serious about making you get a job, getting a levels, getting a flat etc, the only thing you will get is failure and probably increased depression.

I don't quite get her motives? Is she just being mean? Does she actually mean you should do all this? Or is she venting about the way things have turned out? It certainly sounds like she doesn't understand depression is an illness.

I would concentrate on studying and your own wellbeing in this time. I know A levels may seem not very important at the moment, but they are very useful to open doors to other things you might want to do with your life either after the baby's born or in a few years time. Yes you can go back and do them, but why don't you look on this timing for A- levels as a chance to study without distractions (or tiredness!), and if you can get a few good grades under your belt now, it's like you are investing in your future, just as much (actually more so), as if you're putting pennies in the bank for the future.

And also can you work out whether she's serious about making you homeless? If so, can you speak to your midwife about it? Or would be good to know what you have to do and who can help if it does happen further down the line.

And then the custody thing - that's shocking, and also inaccurate. She's threatening you which isn't on at all. Legally, grandparents have no rights at all, no rights to see their grandchild, no rights to take a child away from its mother. They just don't.

The only circumstances where she might end up looking after your baby is if you weren't able to take good enough care yourself. So, if you were neglecting the baby, or not protecting the baby from abuse, something like that.

Btw, I would make sure you are seeing medical professionals by yourself, rather than with your mum there all the time. Especially midwives and health visitors etc. you need to have a good connection to people that can advise you about how best to take care of your little one, and it's also good for them to see you being a good mum and not needing to rely on anybody else (like your mother, for example).

You're doing really well. And I hope that you realize that x

Hats off to you OP.

I do think you need to find alternative housing if you can. First call your grandfather and if he cant help then contact CAB tomorrow.

Inbox is open anytime. I mean that OP

Good luck

She is telling me that she'll make me homeless at 18, if I don't have a part-time job, and go for full custody of my baby

Do remember that it is extremely unlikely that she could ever get full custody of your baby. You would have to have demonstrated yourself to be an unfit mother. Being kicked out at 18 and not having a job would not impact on your fitness to be a mother.

Whilst on one hand it is important for your future to gain employment, it is not necessary at this point, particularly if it is going to negatively effect your mental health. Also under normal circumstances colleges tend to advise not doing more than a few hours unless you want to drop grades in your A Levels (it was something my college made a strong point about).

If your mother really did kick you out and you didn't have somebody else to live with, all you need to do is present at the council as homeless. They are legally obliged to house you. Due to your age, and dependant on area, it may be in a special mother and baby assisted living flat complex or just an ordinary flat.

As a single mother you would also be entitled to benefits. If it comes to it, don't be ashamed to take it. It doesn't need to mean a life on the dole without prospects, it can just be a stepping stone whilst you get on your feet.

Hopefully your mother is only saying it as a tough love type thing, so it won't come to the above anyway. I think you should explain to her that it is worsening your anxiety and you really don't feel you could take the strain of a job ontop of everything else. It is important for your baby, as well as yourself, that you look after your mental health.

Oh and good luck for the future

OP, I was a pregnant 17 year old. I didn't do A levels so you are a step ahead of me! got qualifications by doing day release when my kids were at school. I got my degree and a good job and retired last year earning £70k a year so it can work out. Your mum won't get custody, you will get lots of support if she throws you out but the truth is she probably won't. Talk to your midwife, you are doing well and I hope the birth and the A levels go well.

Good grief, does your mum realise most people at your stage of pregnancy are on maternity leave? How on earth are you supposed to get a part time job either before or immediately after the baby is born. I would take a trip down to the local council offices to see what you are entitled to should your mum throw you out presumably in less than a year. Personally I feel she will not do this. No mother would throw her vulnerable daughter and new baby out on the streets unless she is a really nasty piece of work. You know her best OP so maybe you feel she would do it. She won't get custody simply because you are not working.

Just do as much as you can re A Levels as you have spent so much it would be a waste not to get the qualification at the end. Perhaps talk to your grandad and engage his help.

OP, depending on where you live, you may be entitled to a place in a Mum and Baby Unit, they aren't as bad as they sound, you have your own furnished flat, there's just staff on hand and you are supported with all the setting up of the tenancy.

There are other housing options, as well, all these can be accessed via referral by your MW, or if you contact your local council.

Your Mum is being totally unreasonable and this might not get any better, so it would be worthwhile talking to someone about your lack of support.

Your Mum wouldn't get full residency, even if you were very unwell, SS would want her to support you to parent.

Oh bless you.
Your doing really well all things considered. Pregnancy can be tough.
Congratulations by the way.

You mum is something else, threatening to go for custody of your baby. Threats to make you homeless.

Have you been to the local council and got advice on your housing options? If you haven't you really should to see what help is out there.
You midwife might be able to advise you as well?

Ok love no one seems to have mentioned the obvious - you have dropped huge hints that this baby was not conceived consenually, are you getting help to deal with that?

You are very brave.

Er, wow. If you were my daughter I would be bloody proud as punch of you.

You sound like you've had a really hard time but are focused on the future and building a good life for you and your baby.

I agree, if you were my daughter I wouldn't be making threats to kick you out, I'd be proud of you for undertaking keeping the baby and getting your A levels and I'd be trying to work part-time to support you to do it. Your mum should back off - and I agree with the advice about telling the midwife and health visitors about your mum's threats and seeing if you could stay with your Granddad for a bit.