That I expect her to make a bit more conversation?

[anotherusernameugh]

So there's a woman at work who is more than pleasant and just generally nice. Doesn't seem to have any anxiety or social issues. Of course I wouldn't know that for sure though.

When she joined she asked me to go for lunch and I of course said yes as she was new and I wanted to be friendly.

Lunch was fine, she didn't talk much and I found myself searching for things to say but I sort of put that down to the fact she was new and was still finding her way around.

We've also had a few chats in the office at various times so it's not as if these lunches are the only time we speak. Again, after she says "how are you?" I get nothing from her in terms of small talk, yet she always approaches me and looks at me as if to say "go on" with my chat.

She then asked me again a few weeks later and although I wasn't massively up for it I went as again I wanted to be nice. Again, she didn't say much and I found myself constantly thinking of new topics. She also sort of didn't carry conversation on, so I'd bring something up and she wouldn't really continue it, or she wouldn't come up with any chat herself. I tried to ask questions to get more chat from her, but it was short sentence answers and then I'd be muddling for something else to say.

She then asked me for lunch again a month ago but I was on holiday so when I got back just had a reason to say - sorry but we must do this! Then just left it. I thought she'd just get from that that I wasn't too bothered and that would be it.

I thought I was the only one but in explaining my annoyance to another much closer work friend the other day, she then told me they'd gone out for lunch and shed found it painful.

Now she's asked for lunch again. To be honest, I just can't waste another hour on this. I'm now feeling like I just am entertaining her rather than it being any sort of discussion and feel like I'd rather just plough through my work. AIBU to dodge her again? Will it look too rude as we work together? Also - as a general rant here - I don't think she has any issues so why can't she make some damn conversation if she always asks me to go out? I don't think she's just "letting" me speak to be kind - there are times when there are periods of long (awkward) silence! She may be shy, but I feel I just need SOME HELP to carry on convo. Like I say, she's nice, I'd just rather not bother with these frustrating lunches which aren't getting any better!

It's weird that she keeps inviting you if she is like that- a rare combo of being quiet and shy but not wanting to be alone. She would be alright on the outskirts of a group like others have suggested, but a two way convo needs two contributors or it's basically like an interview.
A girl at school was like this. She never said anything but expected me to spend every lunch with her.. I ended up boring myself! It was a relief when she moved on without me saying anything.

Also like Kerala I dated a guy a few times and ended up doing all the talking.. He had told people how much he liked me and he's the one who persued. He was laughing and smiling at everything I said but not saying more than a few words at a time... I gave him a chance as he'd never dated and was a looker! But after a few nights of trying to get blood out of a stone I made my excuses. He was gutted and shocked as he said we were getting on great

I am crap at talking to people I don't know well, and am painfully aware of that. But on the outside I probably look quite 'normal'. However, I'd hate that thought that someone felt obliged to talk to me - just make excuses politely and let her find someone she will click with better.

Its just really tiring for the other person - its sad if you are shy etc but its too much to ask the other person to do ALL the work in the conversation. Maybe for one meet up but no more than that. Its not that hard surely?

My ILs are maddening like this. Once I decided to mirror FIL and be as quiet as him. After 10 minutes I got repeated "are you ok" etc which really pissed me off - ok for him to sit there in silence but Im not allowed to grrr. You end up feeling like the entertainment.

Ahh I thought of Father Stone too - how much they all hate being with him but then find out that he looks forward to spending time with them all year - I know it's funny but it's so sad as well. As it happens, I have the PERFECT friend for her - one of my best friends who honestly never shuts up or lets you get a word in edgeways. I only let her get away with it because she is such a truly kind person. She would love to take this woman under her wing, PM me if you want to set them up

I lpoked after a new staff member Luke that once
all I can say is that I ended up with a bipolar lesbian stalker.

KERALA1 exactly! Actually aame has happened to me. DH naturally quieter but still makes chat, but not as much as me (and I am not a loudmouth). When I sit quietly his family is always like - ARE YOU OK?! I'm like yes I'm fine - but thanks for making me feel like I'm your dancing monkey!

Oh dear, I'm watching with interest - I've been invited to lunch not by someone who lacks conversation, but who is a total airhead. Speaks with faux American accent, behaviour is affected by the moon, cured a chest infection by changing her shoes etc etc. Takes everything very literally, doesn't recognise humour or sarcasm. I can't cope with an hour of it!

Honestly, if she asks you for lunch again I would ask her 'Why do you want to have lunch with me, you don't seem to want to have a conversation?' and whatever her response is, make it clear that you are not comfortable lunching with someone who expects you to entertain them barely speaks.

I sometimes think women are their own worst enemies - or that we have been socialised to be that way. Too polite to just scream 'nooooo!', putting the other person's feelings before our own. We end up backed into a corner by anyone who puts themselves first.

Have you considered that maybe this woman has Aspergers or some social anxiety issue? I'm not suggesting that you should feel obliged to go for lunch with her, just that you should perhaps bear in mind that everyone can be different, and please try not to be mean or unpleasant to her.

Is there no-one in your office who just likes to talk and have someone listen to them. I am a bit on the quiet side myself and seem to draw these people to me and am mostly glad of their company to tell the truth.

What is she like if you just let there be silence for a bit? Some people are much more comfortable with just sitting in quiet companionship and not needing to fill every minute of it with chat.

Is it a cultural thing maybe? In Finland (massive cultural stereotype alert) chatting constantly just for the sake of filling the silence isn't seen as necessary.

I hate 1:1 conversations, even with my closest friends. I find keeping conversations going hard work. But bizarrely in a small group I have loads to say! Can you get a few more colleagues to join you?

As mentioned above, Aspergers/autism is one possible explanation for the combined difficulty small talking plus seeming lack of awareness there's a conversational issue. Though inside she could be desperately trying to think of something to say. I've been that person on dates and it's excruciating. Usually for friends I chose the really really chatty ones so my deficits weren't as apparent.

Obviously do what you like with regards to lunches but I would recommend group lunches with her to take the pressure off both of you.

I have totally been this person. I can be brilliant, warm, friendly and everything else with strangers - to the point where some of my closest friends are randoms I just approached a few years ago - when I've had 1-2 drinks and relaxed into not being performative. As being tipsy at work is generally frowned upon(!) I have a lot more trouble knowing where to start with new colleagues over lunch.

I'll always try to be welcoming to new people - suggesting lunch out etc - but I'm aware myself that it can be pretty stilted "so... How about that sportball team?" conversation until I know more about them. Maybe she's dull as ditchwater; maybe she's still finding her feet. Echoing PPs re safety in numbers - at least you can let her get to know a bit more about you indirectly, which could help?

I'm reading this, cringeing, as I could be your colleague (not really). Maintaining conversations are dead stressy face to face although I chat HEAPS on messenger/online (although I get that you are talking about your colleague so probably aren't at fb/online chat stage).
The pressure to maintain a convo with something interesting and engaging is pretty high, and I'm REALLY conscious of it, and I feel that the other person is also REALLY conscious of it, so more pressure etc blah blah positive feedback loop. I spent a lot of time working with people so I don't think I appear nervous or anxious (unless you know my giveaway body language) but I feel it on the inside. And yet people who talk non-stop and just seem to want a mute person nodding and enabling bore me too.

It sounds like she likes you and likes spending time with you. Maybe she takes a long time to warm up. I know it takes me ages to feel completely comfortable with someone new, I tend to 'watch' for a while. And some people it is easier to converse with, others you really notice the silences.

Does she have anything she's particularly into/does in her spare time/family? It sounds like you've not been able to elucidate the things that she is passionate about to date, but I reckon that could unlock her talkiness. She may be holding back in case she's worried you might have some kind of judgment on her interests, history, family set up, whatever? Of course if you have no interest in pursuing a friendship with her, then by all means ignore all of this

Id say only go out with her if there's 3 or 4 of you. That way you're including her but not bearing the full responsibility to keep the chat going

Im totally intrigued by this personality type, My cousin is like this she is 28 and has a child , i used to put it down to her being a young girl but now she's older its becoming apparent something is wrong, On occasion wet we have been out for lunch she answers questions with one word answers and doesn't start any conversation whatsoever just sits and nods, its so exhausting i started avoiding her as i couldn't stand it and she acted like she genuinely enjoyed our meetings .
The baffling thing is she puts herself into situations that someone shy just wouldn't do like hot tub parties where she sits being brutally quiet allegedly and eats men for breakfast.

My MIL was like this and when she visited my DH would do the same! On one occasion I did what one of the other posters did and didn't initiate any conversations. The silences were excruciating but it gave me the chance to talk to DH about it after and explain to him that it's exhausting being the "talker" all the time - these days I can't shut him up

I used to be like that when I was younger - wanted to be friends with people but extreme social anxiety made it really difficult for me to make small talk. I would agree that going for lunch in a group would make it easier - if you want to be nice (not that you should feel obliged) you could go with her and your other colleague, you guys carry the conversation, and just try and draw her into conversation a little bit?

So the two of us went and I dragged my other friend along. She was fine and is the sort to chat so the hour passed ok (as opposed to when I've been slyly looking at my watch). My friend also asked her loads of questions as did I so that helped. I won't go again though, this isn't a friendship I really want to carry on so hopefully this is just a nice close to it.