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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bad teeth AIBU to mention?

53 replies

Ilovetorrentialrain · 15/03/2016 16:26

My boyfriend of 5 years (we don't live together) has always had pretty badly looked after teeth (neglected in his teens, he brushes them several times per day now but it's too late).

Around 6 months ago one of them snapped completely and he needs a crown. It looks pretty bad and is in quite a visible place. He doesn't appear bothered about getting it sorted.

In short, his teeth are getting to be a real turn off. Money is not an issue and he is not phobic about the dentist. He just prioritises work etc over getting this sorted.

WIBU to say how I'm feeling? What would you do?

Please go easy, not done AIBU before!

Thanks.

OP posts:

PestilentialCat · 15/03/2016 17:17

Also infected teeth / gums increase the risk of heart disease - he knows this too

BillBrysonsBeard · 15/03/2016 17:18

I have a friend like this. His tooth at the front has snapped off halfway and is really obvious as you can imagine. He is from a wealthy family and has a well paid job in London, not afraid of the dentist etc. It really changes his appearance... amazing how a bit of tooth can do that! I don't know, maybe its his way of sticking two fingers up to our appearance obsessed society.. I would say something if it was my DP.

EweAreHere · 15/03/2016 17:25

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Teeth are an indicator of health and well-being, and he's not taking care of them and it shows. You need to tell him, gently, that you're concerned about his lack of interest in his appearance, as people will judge you by such things, including potential employers, etc., and it's a massive turn off. See what he says.

carabos · 15/03/2016 17:26

DS1 has terrible teeth. Crowded, a couple of broken/ chipped ones. He's getting married later this year and I'm really unhappy that he isn't using the occasion as an excuse to get them fixed. We took him to the dentist and orthodontist when he was about 9, but because he refused point blank to cooperate in cleaning the braces and managing his mouth properly while they were fitted, eventually the orthodontist lost patience and stopped treating him. We were mortified, but what can you do? You can't physically force a child to submit to braces, as the dentist pointed out.

I think now it's a phobia with him. He will not discuss it, other than to say that he went to the dentist recently for the first time since he left school, had a couple of small fillings and a clean-up. Dentist made some suggestions about cosmetic treatment - his teeth are actually pretty healthy- but he doesn't want to spend the money. It's a shame because he's nice looking and his teeth ruin his appearance. Luckily his fiancee loves him as he is.

Valentine2 · 15/03/2016 17:27

I think I heard somewhere that if a tooth falls and you don't get the crown or something, the bones of adjacent ones start to get loose too and it's a circle. I could be wrong but I think it's worth checking. If there is no money issue involved, it will certainly make me angry that he neglects it.

VelvetCushion · 15/03/2016 17:27

I think its so important to have nice, straight, clean and well looked after teeth.
It would say something. You have been with him long enough.
Surely you would want nice teeth at work as well. Does he not see they are bad? If you can see it then everyone else can. Good luck OP.

PestilentialCat · 15/03/2016 17:30

I don't think crooked or crowded teeth necessarily look bad - in fact I quite like quirky teeth & prefer them to "too perfect" teeth.

Broken or missing teeth that show in the smile or when laughing look dreadful though & to me suggest that their owner just can't be bothered.

Original poster

Ilovetorrentialrain · 15/03/2016 17:32

Thanks everyone.

weallhavewings you're right, of course.

In that case thought its heading for being a deal breaker.

Damn.

May try a gentle approach. I'm not good with those. I'm quite straight. Damn.

Thanks all. X

OP posts:

harshbuttrue1980 · 15/03/2016 17:36

Yes, go ahead and demand that he gets them fixed to suit you. However, don't come on here whinging in a few month's time that he's telling you he doesn't fancy you anymore because you've put on weight/ got a few grey hairs/developed wrinkes and wants you to get liposuction or a facelift.

If any partner said he didn't find me attractive unless I did x, y or z to my appearance, he'd be shown the door.

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/03/2016 17:43

I think maybe for the op it's equal measures of 'your teeth look grim' and 'the fact you haven't fixed them in 5 years exemplifies your laziness/inattention to appearances'.

Stillwishihadabs · 15/03/2016 17:46

This did deal break for me, a guy who didn't get his teeth (and other minor health issues) sorted.

Ifailed · 15/03/2016 17:51

He's not bothered about his teeth, you are. Suppose he started going on about a part of your body he thought you could improve?

NKFell · 15/03/2016 18:01

I hate the Hollywood look, I like different smiles but if it's hygiene related or broken or missing I would definitely say something because it's so unnecessary in this day and age.

I would say something but I can be quite blunt.

MrsLupo · 15/03/2016 18:04

Neglected teeth lay him open to other, more serious health problems, most obviously the cardiac risk factors a pp mentioned. I would point that out to him and suggest he sees a dentist 'for advice' about whether his teeth are compromising his health. Undoubtedly the dentist will then urge him to have all sorts of treatment, both necessary and cosmetic. Job done.

MrsLupo · 15/03/2016 18:05

But personally I wouldn't care...

cormorantfan · 15/03/2016 19:04

Brushing several times a day may be doing more harm than good by eroding already weakened enamel and gums

GingerMerkin · 15/03/2016 19:14

I am going to have a tooth crowned this Thursday, crumbling filling. Will cost £550 but is worth it to me. The alternative leave it, get an infection, have root canal treatment and possibly lose the tooth.

The pain of an infection would be enough to get me running to the dentist.

Gatehouse77 · 15/03/2016 19:18

My DH's teeth got really bad with brown stains from smoking and copious amounts of black tea, not brushing regularly and not going to the dentist every 6 months. It became a real issue for me. I didn't like looking at him, didn't want to kiss him and was embarrassed by what other people would think (as I was ashamed of it) because it was clearly laziness. I was gobsmacked that no one at his work commented as he was often in meetings with customers of a high level. He definitely could confirm what the Americans think of Brits and their teeth!

I did raise it with him and he has improved, massively. Not perfect but so much better. He admitted it was laziness. Now, if I'm making the biannual appointment for the dentist I include him and he has to cancel/rearrange if necessary due to work.

MassDebate · 15/03/2016 19:21

DH had a tooth fall out recently. He'd had a false one stuck in as a teenager and it reached the end of its life. I told him he looked horrific without it (queen of tact, me) and he didn't divorce me. Yes it's shallow to comment on someone's appearance blahblahblah but it's something which is capable of being fixed fairly simply if he has the money to do so and can make an enormous difference to fanciability. My DH is a looker usually but begads he looked bad with a hole in the middle of his maw.

I say tell him OP

landrover · 15/03/2016 19:22

I would personally book him in with you when you have your next checkup and just tell him. I make all my husbands doctors/ dentists appointments, otherwise he would "forget". He is very grateful that I do that for him

LifeofI · 15/03/2016 19:42

Gross and no excuse, this is the UK.

Original poster

Ilovetorrentialrain · 15/03/2016 19:49

harshbuttrue that's unfair and not at all what I'm even thinking of doing. your tone is totally out of kilter with the thread I've started and the comments on it.

Someone else has already said it's unacceptable to ask someone to change their appearance and I have wholeheartedly agreed.

As an aside, its ok to have differing opinions without being rude.

NKFell agree. I'd say wonky teeth and 'imperfection' are very attractive. Those false looking Hollywood ones look comical IMO. We are talking hygiene and very broken ones here...

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ilovetorrentialrain · 15/03/2016 20:48

LaContessa spot on.

OP posts:

Chinks123 · 15/03/2016 20:55

OP I agree with you, you're not asking him to get them fixed for yourself or so you find him more attractive, if you were that would BU. You are doing it for his own health and as you said it does look unprofessional at work if they are broken teeth. You've been with him 5 years I'm sure you have his best interests at heart and want it for HIM. Tough subject to broach my DP has a similar issue and it's hard to raise without them thinking you're saying their teeth are minging

If it was just healthy teeth that were wonky I would never ask anyone to change (I used to have very wonky and honestly, awful teeth-thanks to dodgy genetics but lovely now after a loooong few years of braces etc) But if it could damage their health I would.

Chinks123 · 15/03/2016 20:56

More hygiene than health in your DPs case but can lead to injections, tooth loss etc. My OH ended up having nerves pulled out that he had left and left for years

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