Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To un-invite someone never formally invited to DS birthday party?

51 replies

centigrade451 · 14/03/2016 16:29

A few years ago I hit it off with a mother at the playgroup when DS1 was there. She is a really nice person, and we have great conversations and we have met up for coffee over the years and I was there for her when her marriage fell apart. She is a friend.

The problem is her four kids are completely feral. She doesn't have a clue how to discipline her children and doesn't even want to. For me, I like her as she is and I am not going to interfere with her child rearing skills, or lack thereof. We have other friends in the same social circle, but her kids don't go to the same school as DS1&2.

We had them over one time (about four years ago when there were just 3 kids). To be fair, one of kids punched DS1 causing a bloody nose, the kids broke some of his toys, kept taking food from the fridge, damaged some breakables on display and then tried to steal souvenirs we got from Disneyland. DH categorically banned them from every coming back and I agreed. My friend was very apologetic. She kind of got the message and never came to the house with the kids again. She only visits during school hours.

I recently visited her house with DS2 and he had a great time. DS2 is having a birthday party at home a couple of weeks ago and whilst I was at their home, DS2 went to my friend and said 'I'm having a birthday party on 19th March, can your kids please come'. Her kids got all excited about it, and I just mumbled something like 'we aren't sure if he is having a party yet'. I hadn't mentioned the party because the kids weren't invited.

The kids are just as feral as they used to be - if not worse, so I knew it would be too much to handle them for the party.

The problem is my friend called me up this morning and said a mutual friend told her the party was this Saturday and she wanted to know what time it was and what kind of present DS2 would like and that the kids were so excited about it. I pretended I was driving and said I couldn't talk and would call her back. I never officially invited her kids - she clearly mistook DS2's excited invitation as a proper one.

I told DH and he is having none of it. He has said, he won't allow those feral kids in the house ever again, especially as it will upset DS1. DS1 refuses to go to their house anymore, because he ends up getting hit. DH has told me to just call back and say there isn't any space for four more children.

I don't know what to say to her and how to say it.

OP posts:

leelu66 · 14/03/2016 18:04

What pleaseplease said.

I think it was a bit unfair of you to take Ds2 to her house. To me, if you never wanted them to darken your doors you shouldn't have taken your kids to hers. There is an unspoken implication that kids at each others houses from now on is fair game. She may have thought you were ready to let the past be bygones. As well as this you didn't correct ds2 at the time, so I think you have to suck it up. You could suggest meeting at a soft play but I can see why she could get upset about it. Are you prepared for a falling out? Having said that it was cheeky of her to mention it to you knowing that she hadn't had an invite. I imagine that they don't get that many invites hence her chasing this up. You can see why...

If you didn't want her kids in your house then you shouldn't have taken your DS to hers. He has invited the kids. I would have to be invite the kids to the actual party in this situation (unless the kids were nasty/vicious - was the punch in the nose deliberate?)

I do get that it's difficult, but just wanted to add my 2 cents.

fusionconfusion · 14/03/2016 18:21

I have to agree with above.

Also that it sounds a tad dramatic if the incident was three years ago, and you have since taken your children to her house.

I know you don't mean it to, but it feels a bit like you want to have your cake and eat it too - to be her friend outside of meeting as parents is one thing, but if you are meeting anywhere with children it seems unkind to now un-invite her children.

I also agree her children WERE invited by your ds2, whether you sanctioned it or not - and it sounds like your ds2 doesn't find them a chore to be around, whatever about your ds1.

Chinesealan · 14/03/2016 18:28

See if you can get your do to do the difficult conversation. After all its him who's raised the most objections.

badg3r · 14/03/2016 18:38

Is it possible that they are so excited because they are so badly behaved that they never get invited to parties? How many other kids are coming? Are they all different ages or is it just his school classmates?

Italiangreyhound · 14/03/2016 18:44

But the 7 year old is the one her son likes least! It's the 10 year old her son likes.

I think I agree about not dressing it up.

Your son should not issued an invitation. You should have corrected him. But if you are worried about their presence spoiling your ds's party, is it worth it.

If your ds had not seen them for ages maybe it was just a nice novelty to play together. It doesn't really mean it is appropriate to invite 4 extra kids to a party on the spur of the moment.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/03/2016 18:49

Argh, this is awkward, but I think by a) taking DS to their house and b) not correcting his invitation, you're stuck with them.

Waltermittythesequel · 14/03/2016 18:58

Here's the thing though; it shouldn't be up to your ds1 to dictate who gets to come!

I can't believe he's still upset about something that happened three years ago! But that's an aside.

Clearly, your birthday child enjoys playing with these dc or else why would you bring him to their house?

The reason I suggested inviting the 7 year old is because that makes sense, since your ds is 7.

BertrandRussell · 14/03/2016 19:07

"Assaulted"?

Where did anyone say anything about assault?

If there was an assault, what did the police do about it? Because obviously you would report an assault to the police............

breezydoesit · 14/03/2016 19:38

so how do you term being left with a bloody nose, bertandrussell?

BertrandRussell · 14/03/2016 19:49

Don't know. Depends what happened.
Could be assault. Could be accident. Could be tit for tat. Could be other child driven to doing something completely wrong but understandable. (Cf loads of threads on here about people who would turn a blind eye if.......) Could be a scrap that went wrong. And so on.........

TheSpottedZebra · 14/03/2016 19:59

You could lie a a bit and say that when she goes somewhere with all 4 kids together, they are such a unit that they change the time a bit of the rest of the group... And that is why they'd not been invited, there are some more sensitive characters (incl DS1 ?) who feel a bit cowed. A friend of mine grew up as 1 of 4 and recognises that she and her siblings had this effect on others.

lunar1 · 14/03/2016 20:02

I really feel for you, I have a friend with three children like this. I don't invite them at all now, they break absolutely everything in site and their mum just sits there!

FetchezLaVache · 14/03/2016 20:12

I think she did try to correct DS2, though. Anyone with an ounce of tact would have interpreted the mumbled "we're not sure he's having a party yet" to mean "there is a party, but your children are not invited to it".

Can you possibly ring and say that DS2 put you on the spot a bit, he would really like her 10 yr old to come but you hadn't invited him as there's not room for all 4 so you felt it would be rude to ask just one of them, and suggest you go to soft play soon instead?

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2016 20:19

Just say that there isent the room for 4 kids, the 10 year old and 7 year old can come.

StuffEverywhere · 14/03/2016 21:07

I've got a friend with four kids and it's very tricky for her but she tries the best way she can to only send one child to any place or party at a time. I.e. she declines kind siblings invitations saying that children are better off having their own friends and spending some of the time separately from each other. It would be loads more convenient if she could just get the whole tribe to go to the same place at the same time but she's very aware that this is pushing their luck! Her children are very well behaved btw! Inviting four children last minute is a bit much whatever their behaviour tbh!

breezydoesit · 14/03/2016 21:10

I'd be concerned that your dc1 is uncomfortable with the whole situation. I also agree with PP that it may not have been the wisest decision to take your children round. That said, I stick by it that you tell the truth

DementedUnicorn · 14/03/2016 21:21

Feral?!

Wow! You call her your friend but I doubt she would call you that if she knew you called her kids feral! Could you not have stuck to "spirited"?

scarlets · 14/03/2016 21:45

Blame your DH for the dis-invitation if you have to, in order to preserve your friendship with her. He probably won't care.

BertrandRussell · 14/03/2016 21:47

"Blame your DH for the dis-invitation if you have to"

Well, if you want to look completely pathetic that would be a brilliant plan.....

fusionconfusion · 14/03/2016 21:51

" Anyone with an ounce of tact would have interpreted the mumbled "we're not sure he's having a party yet" to mean "there is a party, but your children are not invited to it"."

Except mostly, the average person doesn't expect that when they hear a child whose home they are visiting by invitation express direct interest in their children attending an upcoming party they won't be invited because their friend thinks they are "feral".

If this happened in the supermarket, yes, of course.. but it's a different context, and I can see why this mother would be more likely to find it strange that her children wouldn't be invited in this situation.

lem73 · 14/03/2016 21:55

I don't understand how, if the behaviour of the children is so bad you won't have them in your house, you are willing to visit them in their home and let your ds play with these 'feral' children.

WonderingAspie · 14/03/2016 22:06

YANBU. DS has an on/off friend that I wouldn't let come to a party at our house (tbf they aren't friends that often). He is like a whirlwind and utterly hyper and just non stop, having him would have changed the dynamic of the party and made them all crazy and I didn't want that in my house, soft play it's fine, my home, nope. So we didn't have him and made it very restricted numbers due to it being at home. It's fine not to have children who are going to cause utter mayhem. If their mother won't discipline them, then she has no grounds to complain at all.

I'd say your DS shouldn't have said anything as you cannot accommodate another 4 children but what about soft play. I do this sometimes if I can't accommodate everyone at whatever party we are doing.

afussyphase · 14/03/2016 22:29

It's easier said than done... and obviously easy for us to say since we don't have to face the awkward conversation! but still I feel like the direct approach might be best: "last time, DS1 was hit and is still uncomfortable, they broke x, y and z ... and I don't feel like we will be able to ensure that these things don't happen again ... so it's best if they see each other somewhere else, always lovely when we get together".
I'd want to know if no one wanted my DC to come over due to their appalling behaviour!

Trojanhorsebox · 14/03/2016 22:39

The problem is the mixed messages the mum has been given - your kids can go to her house but hers can't come to yours?

It's OK to not want them at the party or be limited in numbers, but you had two chances to tell her no, and you didn't - the first time when the invitation was issued you should just have said "sorry, not possible my son shouldn't have invited your kids without checking with me first" +/- an excuse about numbers if you wanted. Second time when she phoned, you should just have said there had been a misunderstanding and no, her kids are not invited, your son wasn't authorized to invite extra people.

They were invited by your son, rightly or wrongly, so you have to suck it up and host them, or actually put the poor woman out of her misery and tell her no.

Trojanhorsebox · 14/03/2016 22:48

I didn't mean to sound harsh in my earlier post, for what it's worth, one of my kids has a friend who makes a habit of inviting my child or others round to play after soccer etc without checking with his own parents first. Sometimes it's fine, sometimes you get the sense they're not keen but are too polite to say no once they're confronted with two excited kids and a parent who genuinely believes their child has been invited round. I'd rather just be told it's not convenient. These aren't "feral" children though, just kids who issue invites without discussion first and I'm sure lots of parents have experienced that and are OK with it being unpicked.!

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread