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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to say to my friend

49 replies

catgirl1976 · 12/03/2016 20:08

My friend's dad is dying. He's had a short, but sadly terminal illness.

She texted me to say she wasn't going to be able to see me this weekend as planned as he doesn't have long left at all.

She's only in her early 30s, so young to lose a parent. She also had another very tragic loss some years ago so she's had a lot to deal with.

I don't know what to say to her or how to support her. I've said she can call me or come round any time or I will come to her day or night and I've asked if there is anything practical I can do for her (cooking some meals, looking after the dog etc). Ive told her I love her and that I'm sorry.

But I just don't know what to say, or how often to contact her (lots? leave her be?)

Does anyone have anything they found helpful (or the opposite to avoid) at a time like this?

OP posts:

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 12/03/2016 21:38

I've just had this situation with a close friend. I basically took the children whenever I could to give her time with her dying father, and grieving mother.

I made a couple of meals, picked up shopping, but I know the childcare was the useful thing I could do for her.

bananafish81 · 12/03/2016 21:47

You sound like a terrific friend

Echoing the PPs. When I lost my mum at 32 it was the friends who just checked in (and esp those who said 'no need to reply' ie making it clear no response was expected) that meant a lot

derxa · 12/03/2016 21:52

Just keep being there- my brother died at 32 People bailed out because they didn't care. Just be there

eitak22 · 12/03/2016 21:54

I just list my dad last week. It was after a long time of long terminal illness. Things I've appreciated is people offering to tell people for me so I don't have to repeat myself, offers of food or coffee and actually people allowing me to get back to work. People offering help is hard because I feel there is nothing anyone can do to help as I can barely think what I need to do.

Toffeewhirl · 12/03/2016 21:54

On the day I heard the news that my Dad was not going to get better, my best friend took me out for dinner, which may sound odd, but it really helped. We drank a lot of wine. It was the nicest thing she could have done for me at that moment. She then sent me a text every day, checking on how I was and what was happening with Dad, and it meant so much. She's a brilliant friend. Just knowing someone is there for you, thinking of you, is a massive help. You sound like a wonderful, thoughtful, caring friend, so I'm sure you'll be a huge support. And I'm sorry your friend is going through this.

bananafish81 · 12/03/2016 21:59

And when I came back after being with my Dad after sorting out my Mum's things etc, the friends who took me out to gigs and to get drunk to just have a semblance of normality. My Mum used to say to me 'can we please talk about anything other than fucking cancer?' - well I was the same about wanting to talk and hear about normal stuff that wasn't related to having lost a parent.

springydaffs · 12/03/2016 22:17

Slightly different, but crisis nonetheless, just been through the big c and a friend sent a card almost every week, and texts. Just 'thinking of you' and general chatter about general things. Lovely. I'll never forget it. She lives too far away to be any practical help but it meant so much to me that I knew she cared.

Agree that those who said to get in touch when I needed anything were no good to me at all. I couldn't formulate in my head what I needed.

DrWhy · 12/03/2016 22:32

I'm 35 and lost my dad 3 weeks ago now vert shortly after an unexpected chemo diagnosis. For my sister I think the best support have been friends who've listened and provided a sanctuary and who've provided food, she's also really appreciated cards. She said the food isn't just about the removal of having to cook for herself it's the fact that she was in their mind enough for them to make an extra portion for her when they cooked family dinner.
For me it's been the people who've phoned me, even if they had no idea what to say other than 'I'm so sorry' they weren't afraid to actually reach out and have a sad and uncomfortable conversation with me rather than just texts or cards. One close friend in particular called the moment he got me message and to my surprise an old Uni friend I hadn't spoken to in years but who back then, knew my family well did exactly the same and it meant a huge amount.
Practical stuff too, I live miles away and am currently staying with mum, a friend who lives local to me is popping in to check on my flat which relieves a worry too.
I agree with everyone who says don't ask her what you can do, I largely have no idea what people can do or if I did I'd feel bad for asking things like 'could I spend Easter Sunday with your family so I'm not alone' or 'could you figure out how we can sell dad's car' - if someone offered to do those I'd be delighted.

DrWhy · 12/03/2016 22:33

Urgh, cancer diagnosis obviously, can't think or type straight.

Leeds2 · 12/03/2016 22:34

Would agree that help with childcare would be invaluable, if appropriate.

LifeofI · 13/03/2016 00:44

Man i wish i had a friend like you when my mum died, all my friends suck and some didnt even come see me.

lavenderhoney · 13/03/2016 07:30

My parents have both passed away. You do sound a lovely friend. In my case, friends assumed my then dh and family would give emotional support but family members were too devastated themselves and my then dh was embarrassingly and humiliatingly not interested in my grieving which was a shock.

So just one old friend who didn't know any of that but was always sending little messages and being kind from many miles away was a great help. Even though I was too frozen for a long time to be any use as a friend back.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 13/03/2016 11:03

I think also would think about what sort of person your friend is and what will work best for her.

I say that only because as a very introverted introvert, I would find too many messages and calls very overwhelming, but i'd be too polite not to respond. Likewise, I would have not liked the thought of someone popping round to see me, or indeed making any arrangements at all.

After a sad time in the last couple of years, my very close friend used to send her husband with a homemade lasagne/casserole. She knew that I'd feel no obligation to stand chatting with him, I knew that it was from her, and she was getting it exactly right.

The odd message saying, 'we're doing this today if you fancy it' which would always be something nearby, easy to handle etc. I found really thoughtful.

OnlyAFoolsChance · 13/03/2016 12:16

Agree with PP regarding just knowing you're there will be a comfort to your friend. You sound like a loyal and beautiful friend, and the fact you are asking how to help shows how much you care.

I lost my dad 2 years ago tomorrow, he fought cancer, and lost. He was in a hospice, then home and we thought we'd turned a corner. he was back in the hospice weeks later, this date he was moved to a single room and my world fell apart at realising what that meant.

I told a few close friends, and word got round quick. School mums who were friendly but never close to me, approached me and offered help, the teachers came to me and offered condolences, and the few friends I still have to this day were the ones who reminded me in little ways that they were supporting me and holding me up. by offering to pick up the kids for us, by dropping in with a card and flowers, and being open to that awkward conversation with a grieving person. By texting or sending me a little pm on facebook with just a kiss or a "fancy a coffee". I'll never forget how they rallied round.

A neighbour of mine, her 18 year old daughter died a sudden death a few weeks back, it has devastated the community. I was leaving the house and she came out, just a few days after it happened, and I asked how she was bearing up, she broke down in my arms on the street. I don't know her well, but well enough as a neighbour. She acknowledged the card we'd posted through her door and said what was keeping her going was knowing how many people are there for her and her family, the cards that show people care, and the people who ask if they can do anything to help.

Be there for your friend, as you intend to be. There are some wonderful suggestions here and in time, even if it is not realised at this raw moment, your friend will realise just how much she means to you x

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 13/03/2016 12:55

So many sad losses on this thread :(

Sadly, my friends Dad died yesterday. She sent me a text to let me know and I responded, taking lots of the advice on here on board.

I've texted her again this morning just saying I am thinking of her.

I'm going to go round tomorrow with some flowers and food and see what I can do, but if she's not up to seeing me I'll just leave things on the step and keep just being there. I'm so sad for her.

OP posts:

Southernlassie · 13/03/2016 13:03

Awful news for your friend.

My best friend (who lives 200 miles away) went through same thing last year. I couldn't be there physically, so I did things like:

Called nearby salon, explained situation, and booked and paid for a manicure - she could used whenever over next 3 months. She loved that. Some calming time to herself.

I sent our favourite childhood DVDs. Along with popcorn treats.

I sent letters and silly cards to brighten her day. I got Polaroids made of our favourite photos together. Sent one a week for 8 weeks.

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 13/03/2016 13:15

Oh Southern - those are lovely ideas! What a fab friend you are :) I will do some of those. I was thinking of booking her a massage or something but wasn't sure how it would go down - if I get her a voucher with a long expiry date she can use it when she feels it would help

OP posts:

Southernlassie · 13/03/2016 13:20

My friend loved it. Said her nails were bitten down but it made her feel better. She was spending so much time looking after other family members (elderly) that it gave her a treat.

I found the best thing was essentially not to forget. She said people stopped asking if she was ok etc after a month. It's been a year now, and I still ask if she needs anything.

springydaffs · 13/03/2016 14:02

Yes, people drift off after the initial horror.. but we need support long after that.

Re explaining to the salon the situation - I wouldn't have wanted that. Maybe a general 'I'm buying this for my friend to cheer her up during a difficult time' but not all the details. Then it's up to me to divulge or not once I get there. I usually didn't (and I'm an extrovert who easily talks about difficult stuff). It suppose I just enjoyed the tlc but also the break from the crushing reality.

Haudyerwheesht · 13/03/2016 14:09

You're doing enough.

My dad is dying right now. I'm also early 30s. It's shit tbh and it's weird because I don't understand how I have to just carry on with school runs etc as normal and doing my exams and stuff because life has to go on but on the other hand I kind of like having something else to focus on?

It's weird because I don't want to talk about it but am a little bit upset that a friend who I thought would be supportive hasn't been in touch at all. I've not told many people really but a couple of people who I had to tell for various reasons and were more acquaintances than friends have been really really kind and supportive.

It's a strange time and if you're there for her then I think that's enough.

springydaffs · 13/03/2016 14:41

It's a cliché but you find out who your friends are at times like this, Haud

hollieberrie · 13/03/2016 18:38

You really do Springy. There are several "friends" who I don't speak to at all now. If you'd have asked me before if they were true friends I'd have sworn blind that they were. It was a hard lesson to learn

redexpat · 13/03/2016 18:58

I want southern lassie to be my friend!

Ask is there anything I can do to help?

When the inevitable happens, please don't judge her response. If she says she feels relief, accept it. If she says she feels OK because she's had time to prepare, don't say that doesn't make it easier. If it made it easier for her, then accept it. Perhaps you can sense I am speaking from recent experience.

Practically speaking have a think about readings and\or hymns and music for the service. He may have wishes, but if not it can be a real challenge to think of something.

Sgoinneal · 13/03/2016 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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