To distance myself from this group of friends as everything revolves around one person?

[FirstToothOut]

I am friendly with a group of 8 other women. We all met when our DCs were little and still regularly meet up, mainly now for evenings out or the occasional lunch/coffee during the day when we are all available/off work. We also have a Facebook group where we can chat about things and also make arrangements.

One friend is a total and utter drama queen, always with some crisis or another, yet also with a very superior attitude as though she is better than others. As a result of both of these things, I am finding that everything is revolving around her and her problems/moans/wants. I'll refer to her as Caroline in this thread.

I have never really received any support from any of the others in the group. For example last year a family member of mine was really ill and had to be rushed to hospital for emergency surgery and needed a lot of care afterwards from me. I posted about this in our Facebook group at the time and out of 8 others only 2 replied and they were very quick abrupt "Oh no" type replies rather than anything truly supportive or caring. When I next saw all of the others not one person asked me about my family member or how things were going. Caroline has crisis after crisis, which are usually very mundane day to day things that the rest of us would just suck up and get on with, and each and every time she gets lots of replies and support. One of Caroline's children only has to have a sniffle and everyone else is offering to take her other children to school, asking if she needs anything from the shop, and offering to help her.

I have also noticed that if anyone else has anything going on, then Caroline appears out of the woodwork with yet another crisis or problem to basically try to trump whatever is going on in someone else's life. So everyone else gets forgotten and all focus is on her.

When we all meet in person it is getting more and more ridiculous as conversations are literally dominated by Caroline's problems and moans, with everyone listening sympathetically and offering support. Caroline is a very earth mothery type and the others all seem to look up to this and put her on a pedestal. She is quite disparaging about others who parent different to her.

I am getting to the point where I am fed up, and bored, of everything being about Caroline all the bloody time! I don't want to distance myself from them in one way as I've known them for years but it is all very irritating and doing my head in! I could meet up with others individually I know, but it puts me off that they are so simpering and arse licking towards Caroline all the time. Plus of course it puts me off them that none of them could offer me any support when I really needed it.

Has anyone else come across a situation like this? What did you do?

I'd just tail it off I think. Not make a point of separating, but see and communicate with them in my own terms.

She gives some of them entertainment and puts more meaning into their lives . They like to feel needed and be on her list of 'good friends' . She is aware of what she is doing and is an experienced manipulator. She knows you are not charmed by her and wd like to see you go. Maybe set up a 2/3 some and see if others wd like to get free also.

My dd is 10 and her friendship group is like this! They all want to be friends with one girl who is, to my mind, quite mean and not even a very nice person. But they all want to go round to hers, an invite from her would be worth more than from someone else, other much nicer children are overlooked, her meanness is written off (as just her 'personality') I've been trying to get my dd to see that she doesn't need to be sucking up to the Queen Bee, but it's her main social goal! She has had a few occasions to think- hmm, this person isn't that nice to others, perhaps she won't be to me. I don't get it but I know it exists.

I was in a NCT group like this with one or two dominant and quite bitchy women, and lots of very nice people but just not able to stand up for anyone or say anything if the bitching started or people were rolling their eyes or excluding others. I left and it was much better, I was dreading going out.

If you aren't interested in being in the Caroline Club, even if she is an ok person, then just leave and find some different friendships.

I walked away from my own Caroline in this situation - everything was always about her, nobody would commit to doing anything unless she okayed it, and she was always frickin moaning about things like having a cold (cue sympathy all round). So dull. The world is full of mates you haven't met yet, so be slowly less available, and move on to people who are interested in you and have your back.

I woukd distance myself from this group, it might have run its course now. If it's making you unhappy, move on!

You never know, there may be others in the group who feel exactly the same! I was pleasantly surprised when someone I was in a group with got me on my own one day and asked if I thought "Caroline" was a complete arse too! Well, she was a lot more polite and subtle than that but had suspected I felt the same for a while. Like her, I didn't cringe & fawn around our Caroline like some of the spineless saps in the group. She'd clocked my eye rolling so eeked it out of me. We both left and made new friends at another group we joined together and are still friends years later. The others? Well, they finally tired of Queen Bee and told her to sling her hook! I believe she left the area soon afterwards. I've crossed paths with them a few times over the years and have chosen to ignore them (& they me).

Sometimes you just don't fit in with a particular group. I found this with the group I met before ds1 was born. We met up weekly and it was good for the year. I then had another baby about a year later. One of the group had invited me to meet up with her, we all discussed this on Facebook and then one of them piped up "can we go swimming". I had a 1 year old and a newborn so at that point I made my excuses and didn't see them again.

Sorry this has turned into a rant! Walk away, you'll meet more likeminded people soon enough x

I've been in a similar situation. I found them all willing to help each other out a lot and they never offered for me despite me having health problems. There was one who would drive me mad as she always wanted things her own way but did it such a way she sounded reasonable but would ultimately get everyone to agree with her (except me), we clashed because I was willing to voice my opinion and say no when it didn't suit me. They would all fawn over her though. There was one incident which brought it to a head and I had a thread on here that told me they weren't friends. I've seen a couple alone but they don't invite me when it is a group at all, which shows me they are influenced by the others (I had a bit of a falling out with one because she didn't like me doing my own thing and she said she was hormonal and took it out on me and I was suppose to be ok with this).

I realised in a crisis, I wouldn't phone a single one of them and that was the turning point for me.

Completely understand your dilemma.

I was once in a similar situation with a bunch of mum friends and a Caroline type who would hold court on nights out. To be honest I was as irritated with the others as much as her for fawning over her grandiosity.

In my case it was easy enough to take myself out as my daughter moved schools. Looking back it was a clique and cliques are not for me. The next group of mums were lovely.

Hope you can get yourself out of this somehow OP. Not good for the soul.

I know a Caroline, though to be fair she's a nice person and would do anything for you however she dominates everything when you're in a group. Woman who I thought were sensible constantly tell her how fantastic, funny, beautiful she is. As far as I can see she's just a normal nice but gobby person who tells you every aspect of her life however trivial.

I actually feel slightly sorry for her as recently I was in a group who didn't know how well I knew Caroline, she'd been her usual self with them and they didn't want anything to do with her. The next time I met up socially with her she was telling everyone how the other group had been fawning over her etc and I was standing there thinking that's not quite the truth.