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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Financial support for kids at uni

143 replies

salmonandchips · 11/03/2016 08:49

What's fair when you have two kids at uni but one has bursaries / grants / lower cost living accommodation than the other? Meaning that before parental support, one child is thousands of pounds per year better off?

Give them both the same amount and let them get on with it? The "disadvantaged" one will just have to work more hours in their part time job / and or get an overdraft.

Or try and even it up some how, meaning that one child might get more financial support from parents than the other?

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 11/03/2016 14:39

(and no, I'm not Xenia's latest name change, or I'd suggest OP set up a business this week and pay her son £10K a month allowance from it next week )

Trollicking · 11/03/2016 14:43

Your DH is being unreasonable and is unfairly favouring his DD.

We give our four kids (who are all at Uni .) the same amount of spending money in addition to their rent but that's because they are at similar Unis and have similar expenses.

Trollicking · 11/03/2016 14:46

[Cabrinha] I suspect most of the female 'higher earners' are too busy at work to be mumsnetting

LizzieMacQueen · 11/03/2016 14:48

What bursaries/scholarships are available from UK universities?

Cabrinha · 11/03/2016 14:52

You made me laugh Trollicking fair point!
I did just mean relatively though... I'm the higher earner in my relationship (posting during lunch ).
Just frustrates me that every day it see on MN that men have the money, men have the power. Angers me.

Trollicking · 11/03/2016 15:00

Cabrinha I was just joking. I know how you meant it and I agree.

I'm not the higher earner but I've made sure my DDs are every bit as motivated to be high earners as my DS's. I'm not a Xenia fan but the message that women should not rely on men is correct.

Original poster

salmonandchips · 11/03/2016 15:08

I'm the low earner because of my past experiences (orphaned at a young age) and havent had the same opportunities as dp. Who was lucky enough to be passed down a business. Also had to work and look after ds almost completely on my own for 8 years.

I have also not progressed my career because I have been bringing up dp's 2 other kids either full or part time and running the home for the past 5 years.

I've never said a word about the £10,000 we've spent on school trips for his kids over £9000 of that being for his kids. Or when my child benefit stopped when his Dd moved in with us full time, it's all part of being a family. Swings and roundabouts. But I am feeling only if it swings both ways.

OP posts:

Original poster

salmonandchips · 11/03/2016 15:09

He is also in a position of about to inherit substantially and he has said he will use that money to fund the kids through uni.

Hence why I am probably posting from the angle that it's "his" money.

OP posts:

GooseberryRoolz · 11/03/2016 15:23

What bursaries/scholarships are available from UK universities?

You'd need to look at the websites really. It varies.

rookiemere · 11/03/2016 16:44

That really blows then, if he was happy for things to be unequal when his DCs were the ones to benefit from extra funding.

It's time to sit down and have a talk about it. I'd be as pleasant as you can be, but at the end of the day your DS does not deserve to be eating own brand baked beans each night and taking on multiple p/t jobs to survive when you as a family have enough to support him.

RubbleBubble00 · 11/03/2016 18:27

Did dsd choose uni due to the financial implications?

RubbleBubble00 · 11/03/2016 18:30

Did your ds not have the same choice of getting bursary?

Ceeceecee · 11/03/2016 18:59

I'd be so pissed off.

My dss is off to uni and will be getting quite a large bursary plus extra maintenance grant based on his mum's income. We've talked a lot about how to support him and what's fair, and my very sensible friend pointed out that it should be based on what he needs to be safe and healthy. So we will be looking at all his costs and then deciding what we can do. Our dc will not be getting any extra help so I assume we will have to do a lot more to keep them safe and healthy.

I'm also assuming they will all get jobs!

Original poster

salmonandchips · 11/03/2016 19:25

Dsd has chosen a uni partly because of the bursary options. Ds has chosen his uni because of it being a "better" uni.

Dp has tried to persuade dsd that she should go to a higher uni.

Ds could have chosen a lower uni and I would expect him then to have had more bursary options.

Both dp and I feel that ds has made the right choice and dsd hasn't although obviously we do respect her decision.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 11/03/2016 19:40

His way definitely doesn't sound fair, it does sound very one sided.

I'm struggling to get my head round how to do it fairly, but my gut instinct says not to consider student loan debt at the end as a disadvantage. But allow them to have similar spending money when they are there, and if one or both work on top, great -they can do the hours that suits them. But one having to earn rent too puts them at a huge disadvantage. And I don't think that's fair.

RubbleBubble00 · 11/03/2016 19:57

You were going to pay accommodation plus £20 - would the £2500 cover your sons accomadation plus the £20 or be more/less?

I was going to say it's unfair BUT I think you dp might have a point. dsd is making a choice that will put her in a better financial position and your son is choosing to put himself in a worse financial situation due to individual uni choices. He can't really moan if he has to get a pt job and his step sister doesn't as she has chosen a different route.

Perhaps though instead of giving dsd the £2500 a year directly that she won't need because of her uni financing - could it be saved and put to something after uni?

sablepoot · 11/03/2016 19:59

I think given that DSD has chosen a lower uni for financial reasons, it would be fair to expect she would have a bit more living expense money. I would suggest paying the accommodation costs for each (which would be more for your DS) and the same extra fixed amount to each as well which would leave DSD with more disposable income, but both should be at least comfortably off.

RubbleBubble00 · 11/03/2016 20:01

and I would encourage ds to take student loans if he needs them, they are part of going to uni now unless you have rich parents. Again it may seem unfair but dsd is choosing not to have to take students loans due to her uni choice.

AtiaoftheJulii · 11/03/2016 20:16

Tbh, it doesn't sound like your dp's the one being U. You want to not give his dd money because she's been canny enough to apply somewhere that will give her a financial incentive - why on earth shouldn't she benefit from that?

I've got one at uni, one about to go this year, and two more coming up behind. We've said we will pay their rent - we judged that rents could vary quite a lot, but living expenses would probably be more similar wherever they ended up. They will each get the basic maintenance loan to live on, plus whatever they might earn.

DD2 has an offer which involves her getting 2K if she gets certain grades above her offer - which she is very likely to do. It hadn't crossed my mind to give dd1 an extra 2K, that seems patently ridiculous to me. Dd2 will have earnt that, it's hers to keep imo. She's had a part time job for the last few months, which dd1 didn't while she was at school - should I see how much she's saved and give the same to dd1? No, of course not.

Original poster

salmonandchips · 11/03/2016 20:46

Atia,

You are offering to pay all their rent though aren't you? So you are leaving them with £3800 each on top after they've paid their rent?

Any bursaries are in addition to?

So both kids will have at least £3800 to feed and support themselves?

OP posts:

AtiaoftheJulii · 11/03/2016 21:10

Yes. It's about £3730 I think this year, don't know what it is next year.

You said you would ensure accommodation was met, then add £20pw. I'm assuming (don't think you have said explicitly) that you meant they should get the maintenance loan, then you would top up to whatever rent was needed, then give them living money on top? Or did you mean the same as me? Either way, I think whatever extra your dsd manages to accrue should be on top of that.

Original poster

salmonandchips · 11/03/2016 21:16

Yes, that's what I meant. Top up their accommodation costs plus £20. But dsd doesn't need her accommodation topped up because her maintenance loan is £800 more than her accommodation.

He's thinking a fair compromise is to ask her to not take the "London" top up loan.

I'm thinking a fair compromise might be to top up ds accommodation costs then give each child £20 a week.

OP posts:

AtiaoftheJulii · 11/03/2016 21:25

That sounds fine - she doesn't need topping up, and she's got a bit of the loan left over to supplement your £20pw, plus her extra bursary or whatever it is. I'm not sure you can pick and choose how much you get as the maintenance loan, tbh - if she's eligible for the London rate, I'd assume that's what she'd get. So your dp thinks she could borrow less just for the sake of giving her some money? That sounds daft. But your ds doesn't need the bursary evening out either.

sablepoot · 11/03/2016 23:03

Not taking the extra loan might be a bit daft as she will repay the same amount however big the loan is until it's fully paid off, which may well never occur (especially as she's getting a less prestigious degree, and is, dare I say it, female). So taking a smaller loan could easily result in zero future benefit and she'd be far better off taking it and investing it.

RubbleBubble00 · 11/03/2016 23:26

but would the flat £2500 dp wants to give dss cover his accomodation or would he need more?

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