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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm in pain and dd's dad won't help.

23 replies

thehillshaveyes · 09/03/2016 21:09

I had an operation yesterday to re-stitch my labour where it ripped during childbirth. My ex looked after dd (18 months) at my house as he doesn't have anywhere for her to stay. He's gone back home today (1 hour away) because his new phone has been delivered, meanwhile I'm here in tears and pain with dd screaming. He refuses to come back to help me. I'm bleeding and sore. What am I supposed to do?

OP posts:

Original poster

thehillshaveyes · 09/03/2016 21:09

Labour = labia

OP posts:

Arpege · 09/03/2016 21:11

Do you have family around?

He's a dick but I'm not massively surprised. Once you split general help tends to cease completely

TheoriginalLEM · 09/03/2016 21:11

oops, quite a freudian auto correct there!

Is there any family who can help you out, friends?

Original poster

thehillshaveyes · 09/03/2016 21:14

No family or friends who can help. He says I need to grow up and refuses to talk to me while I put the 'waterworks' on. It might not have been a major operation but I'm still in pain and can't look after dd by myself at the minute. He's more interested in his new fucking phone.

OP posts:

SalemSaberhagen · 09/03/2016 21:15

Did you post about this before OP?

That sounds really tough, sorry you don't have the help you need

Arpege · 09/03/2016 21:16

You're too invested in him. You need someone else as your go to.

Who is your closest friend? Do you have a babysitter? Neighbour? DC friend from school?

Sleepingbunnies · 09/03/2016 21:16

Have definitely read this before...

He is your ex - I wouldn't be asking him.for help!

Original poster

thehillshaveyes · 09/03/2016 21:17

Why the hell shouldn't I be asking him for help when he is dd's parent as much as I am?

OP posts:

mamas12 · 09/03/2016 21:18

Does he have a mother or sister you could ring to collect dd and take her for you
Shame him to his own family
It is shit now you e separated that you absolutely cannot rely in him anymore.
Phone your hv for advice on home help
Neighbour as an emergency ?

ouryve · 09/03/2016 21:19

Yes, he's her ex partner, but he's not their dd's ex dad.

Sorry you're in so much pain, thehills

Do you have adequate pain relief?

PointlessUsername · 09/03/2016 21:19

It's not that you shouldn't be asking him.

It's that he obviously is of no help.

Any family close by?

Original poster

thehillshaveyes · 09/03/2016 21:22

No family or friends who can help. Only moved to this house a month ago so no neighbours who I know well enough to ask for help. It baffles me how dads can get away with walking away from their responsibilities because the relationship is over. Fuck that.

OP posts:

GruntledOne · 09/03/2016 21:23

Of course he should help, if only to make sure that his daughter is looked after by someone able to respond to her needs easily. However, if he won't there's probably no point in wasting any more energy on the twat. Can you phone someone like the health visitor to see if there's any emergency help available?

Arpege · 09/03/2016 21:28

It's not that you shouldn't be asking him, but obviously it's pointless so you may as well skip that avenue and look for alternatives.

Been there, done that, honestly.

PurpleDaisies · 09/03/2016 21:30

Did your op get rescheduled? I remember your thread from a couple of weeks ago.

I agree with basically everyone. Just because he should help by taking his daughter so you can rest it doesn't mean he will. You're better off assuming he won't be around and trying to put in place an alternative support network. Chase him for child support though.

Alexa444 · 09/03/2016 21:37

You need to grow up? YOU need to grow up? How about he steps up and be a bloody father to his daughter. What a cock. Sorry I can't offer anything but righteous indignation and

Reading about some men on mumsnet is going to make me into a crazy cat lady, I swear lol.

May09Bump · 09/03/2016 22:03

Speak to the HV - if your still in pain, you need better pain meds. Diclofenic worked for me. Also, using dettol wound cleaner after shower / going the toilet helped me heal fast (its a spray). Ask her whether you can get any kind of home help.

If you can afford it, our local private nurseries staff do lots of childcare outside of their normal working hours - maybe worth calling them in your area. In the meantime - do anything to keep DD occupied - cbeebies on a loop, a box with different items in to keep her busy. Rest when you can.

You know were you stand with him now - do him no favors ever.

PrincessC0nsuelaBananaHamm0ck · 09/03/2016 22:04

I think there's little point expecting or asking for help from him, sounds a lot like exH (DS's dad) who wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire.

ohtheholidays · 09/03/2016 22:10

Does he have any family that you get on with OP that would help out?

If not do you have a Surestart or Homestart in your area they can sometimes offer help,if not could you afford to pay for some help?I know you shouldn't have to but it does sound like you should really be resting.Or would your ex pay for some help if he can't be bothered to help out himself,which is unforgivable.

With your friends and family are you sure none of them could help?I know if it was a family member or friend of mine I'd pretty much drop everything to go and help them if they were in the same situation as you and I'm ill and disabled myself.

Canyouforgiveher · 09/03/2016 22:17

He is a shit and my commiserations to you that he is the father of your child.

Unfortunately you can't make a silk purse out of a pig's arse. So you are on your own tonight.

Plonk your 18 month old in front of the tv, put her to bed in her clothes, don't worry about teeth brushing or handwashing or anything tonight. Give her cereal or chocolate for dinner. Ditto yourself.

Take as many painkillers as you are allowed and keep taking them (as in every 4 hours or 6 hours or whatever.

If my neighbour called me in this situation, I would step up so maybe consider reaching out. Ditto if your child is in nursery, is there anyone there at all you know that you could ask for help? If it was a family member I would drive a fair distance to help them out.

In the future, given what a dead loss he is, I think you should think seriously about building your own network - really reaching out to other single mums/living closer to family/etc. But that is for the future. For now you just have to get through tonight and tomorrow.

I do fervently pray that someday he has a cut on his prick and a rip in his balls and someone tells him to grow up and stop the waterworks.

Theladyloriana · 09/03/2016 23:07

Well said canyou.

Really hope you're feeling a bit better op

Original poster

thehillshaveyes · 10/03/2016 09:25

Canyou your post made me feel so much better.

I somehow made it through the night and got dd settled. I'm still absolutely fuming with her dad. If he had a genuine reason as to why he couldn't help (work for example) then I would be more understanding, but I know it was because of a stupid phone and his own selfishness. He's going out drinking tomorrow night with a friend who lives near me and has asked whether he can stay over at mine to 'help with dd' - in other words he has no where else to stay. He can fuck off.

OP posts:

CrazyDuchess · 10/03/2016 21:19

Do not let him stay over. He was not and will never step up when you need him and he is just taking the pisstake by asking.

Hope you told him to fuck off!

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