to want more time to play with my DC?

[lucyloveslemonade]

DC are 8, 4 and 11 months and I'm a SAHM. I have given up my (successful) career indefinitely because I wanted to be a SAHM, and to allow DH to progress in his career. He works four long days per week. He doesn't do bedtime, bathtime or night wakings or anything at all around the home besides cooking occasionally.

We were away at the weekend so on Monday 11 mo was tired. I dropped eldest two at school/nursery, got 11 mo to sleep, unpacked everything, did two loads of washing, washed up, hoovered whole house, collected 4 yo from nursery and gave DC lunch. Then we went food shopping and 11 mo had another nap while I unpacked it and prepared tea before collecting 8 yo from school, cooking tea and taking all dc to her activity. Then returned home to wash up, iron uniform and sort out washing. So a whole day and no time at all for playing. DH, on the other hand, was sat watching TV when we returned from the activity and had two hours to play with 4 yo before I took all dc to bed. 8 yo read to me as I did jobs and 11 mo followed me around.

Today DH was off and has done absolutely nothing besides be with the dc. He doesn't actively play as such (more loosely supervises) and the DC are constantly asking me to play but I always have things to do. When 4 yo was at nursery this morning i would have loved to just play with baby but the ironing needed doing so I did that while DH watched baby empty cupboards Then I needed to make lunch, clean pets out, hoover etc and before I knew it, it was time to collect 8 yo from school again.

I said to my sister that it feels pointless being with DH because he doesn't contribute to the household besides financially and she said IABU because I'd still have to do all the jobs if DH wasn't here. While this is true, I don't think that means it's fair that I continue to do it all and always be rushing around while he just sits around. If I was alone, I could at least do jobs while the DC were in bed and get more time with them during the day. AIBU to tell DH that I became a SAHM to be with the children, not to be a housekeeper and that he needs to pull his finger out?

I don't think it generally works well to expect someone to just see what needs doing and do it. I would suggest that you sit down and discuss with him which jobs he will take on - and then let him just get on with that job. So, in your circumstances, sensible jobs might be - cooking dinner for everyone on the three days that he's off work, perhaps changing sheets/towels for everyone on his day off, that sort of thing.

Your dh needs to do more and you need to change your priorities or you'll remain unhappy.

I'm in a similar situation - dh who works long hrs, 3 kids, 2 at school.
I hoover every day- sometimes twice. My house is ok. It's not pristine but it's clean and fine.
There is no way I'm sacrificing my life to housework or seething because dh is sitting on his arse while I slave away.

Nope. I find time to play with the kids, take them out, do other stuff with them and find time for myself. So does dh.
You just have to prioritise that.

I always remember reading on here that no one looks back on their life with fond memories of how much housework they did. There's more to life.

I Hoover downstairs everyday without dogs! I don't think it's too much? My toddler is quite messy!
I iron weekly (not everything, about a basket) and shop online and get it delivered.
The older kids need to help with things too?
What I meant about leaving housework is really prioritising things so you get enough time with the kids. I've lost count of the times I've sat in a mess and done jigsaws with my toddler, I can't clean with her hanging onto my legs!

I couldn't live like this OP it sounds was miserable. Even working and doing all the housework as a single parent is less stressful/galling than living with a man-child like this.

That said, it does sound as though you are making housework for yourself! Not much needs ironing.

I think 3 dc and 2 dogs and 2 adults creates a lot of housework. You need to leave some to Dh to do in the evenings or weekends.

You sound very fussy housework wise.

You just have to prioritise time with the children. I could spend all day every day cleaning but I don't. Quite often I go out and leave the dishes til later. I don't iron.

Even with your detailed breakdown of what you do, I can't see how you have no time just to play with the DC? Your description of today sounds like millions of parents everywhere up to the point of getting your older DC to school. Then you talk about having to strip beds. Well surely crawling under sheets and bouncing on pillows is the best every game to play with an 11 month old while you do that?

So make playing with the DC your "job". Make yourself do it for a few hours a day, or a few days a week even, and squeeze the housework into the rest of the week as people who both work, or single working parents, do. I know that sounds totally impossible but honestly, housework expands to fit the time available. Squeeze it back into a smaller box.

You are obviously extremely self-disciplined. You can make it work.

The man-child is a huge issue, and I suspect you are martyring yourself to unnecessary levels of housework partly because he is sat there blatantly not contributing.

I agree with redsky, your morning routine sounds like everyone else's. It must be hugely galling to do it all next to such an utter freeloader, no wonder you end up so resentful. However there is no need for his lack of manning up to prevent you finding time to play with your children. Do address his rubbishness, one way or the other, but as a SAHM you don't need his help to find a few mins to sit down and play. Just do it.

If DH wants you to watch TV with him in the evening, how hard would it be to say, 'x,y and z jobs need doing before we sit down, you do those, I'll do these and then we can sit down together.'

Divide things up better, whoever spends half the night up with the baby, should spend the morning dozing with them while the other parent does the drop offs. When the baby wakes at night, you need to say 'do you want to do now and have a lie-in, or let me sleep now and you lie-in?'

No-one should have to do everything themselves, when ghey're supposed to be part of a partnership.