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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to listen to my DH?

93 replies

mollywozhere · 06/03/2016 16:11

I am expecting twins early May. We decided that we'd let the family know what we'd decided to name our third and fourth sons. We already have DD1, DD2, DD3 and DS1. Yes, I know, big family, we're horrible and are overpopulating the earth . We told them the names early this morning and almost immediately SIL started screaming, crying and shouting. We had not a clue what she was doing until BIL (SIL's husband) told us that they had lost a baby December last year and that his name had been one of our son's middle names. We didn't know she'd even had a miscarriage or been pregnant! After she'd calmed down a tad, she rather rudely pushed me and said "If you name your son that, I will never forgive you, you horrible woman!" My kids were in the room and were all very shaken by seeing Aunty E have a scream! It's a fairly common name and she has two LO's that I know have friends with the name. DH has then asked me to change baby's middle name. Would it be really horrible for me to not change the name? TBH, I love the name, it's my dad's name and I wanted to honour both our fathers as our other son will have my FIL's less common first name as his middle name. Our older son has DH's first name as his middle name. None of the girls have honour names because we had names we loved already as the middle names.
I know, I'm horrible!
Molly

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 06/03/2016 16:14

If it's your dad's name, she hasn't got a leg to stand on. She sounds unhinged, tbh. If you didn't even know she was pregnant how could you know to avoid any name at all?!

Jw35 · 06/03/2016 16:16

You couldn't have known! What a horrible reaction from your SIL! I could understand maybe if she left the room or something but shouting and crying and being abusive? If be pissed off!

FellOutOfBedTwice · 06/03/2016 16:16

I don't think I would considering that that's how she asked you- pushing a heavily pregnant woman, really?! But if this is deeply out of character for her I might make an effort to sit down and talk rationally about it. How far into the pregnancy was she? Is she likely to use the name for a subsequent child? What's your BILs attitude? Is she known for drama or is this very unlike her?

NeedACleverNN · 06/03/2016 16:18

It's a tough one.....

On one hand, no one knew she was pregnant which means there was a good chance she didn't even really know it was a boy. Just a name for a boy just in case. It's your fathers name and therefore you have every right to use it.

However, you would cause a major family rift and you need to decide whether it's worth it...all for the sake of a name.

Your son could be resented by the family for you calling him that name.

I wouldn't personally

FayKorgasm · 06/03/2016 16:19

In the nicest way she needs to just deal with it. Yes a miscarriage is a terrible thing and my heart goes out to her but she can't expect the world to stop turning.

LittleRedSparke · 06/03/2016 16:20

Its a name, she doesnt own it

She sounds unhinged, and you cant win - keep it

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 06/03/2016 16:22

Tell her to extract her head from her arse and when she's washed it she owes you all an apology. What an unhinged bitch.

originalmavis · 06/03/2016 16:22

Blimey, she took it badly. I'm sure once she calms down, she will realise it. I can see why - lost a baby and the ops got 4 and having another not one but two babies.

Still, it's a family name and nobody knew.

RebootYourEngine · 06/03/2016 16:24

I think IF you were going to change it you should change the other name too so that your FIL doesnt get honoured either.

I wouldnt change it though.

Original poster

mollywozhere · 06/03/2016 16:24

She is known for drama but more making a big deal of herself in her side of the family. BIL is DH's brother. I'm not sure as to whether she'd use the name for another child or not. BIL is a lovely man, quite shy and she has brought him out of his shell so I def give her credit for that. He's great with their kids, a lovely man and I don't really know what he thinks of it. I also don't know how far along she was as BIL ushered her and their LO's out the door pronto!

OP posts:

cathpip · 06/03/2016 16:25

It's a name, I would use it esp as it was your dad's name, and anyway it's being used as a middle name not a first name. Your sil sounds very unhinged miscarriage or not.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 06/03/2016 16:25

This is a tough one. I would say to change the name to avoid any unpleasantness but this is your dad's name we are talking about here. I do think she is being unreasonable. Could your DH talk to her and BIL? Maybe she'll calm down over time.

Pinkheart5915 · 06/03/2016 16:26

If it's your dads name no I wouldn't change what I planned to call it.

It is a name and she will hear other people call children it from time to time, I had a still born daughter a few years ago and have a best friend who used the same for her daughter no problem from me I don't expect people to pick names etc to not upset me I am a big girl.

Pushing a pregnant woman is just so wrong, Having had a mis carriage that nobody knew about doesn't excuse this kind of behaviour.

You and your husband need to sit down maybe tonight or tomorrow and talk it over properly and decide about the name.

PommelandCantle · 06/03/2016 16:28

Wow, just wow.

If you are expected to drop your Dads name, as that is what it is, then you should drop FiL name and do no honouring of the Fathers.

Sorry OP, what a horrid experience. Was anything said about her pushing you?

Congrats by the way. Double snuggles coming your way soon.

attheendoftheday · 06/03/2016 16:30

I would use the name and tell sil that if she assaults you again you will call the police. I would probably cut contact unless she apologised for the violence against you.

That said, I actually think both parents have to be in agreement on a child's name so if your dh is really opposed then I don't think you can ignore him.

Kpo58 · 06/03/2016 16:31

If the name was to be a first name, then I wouldn't use it, but as it is 'just' a middle name so go for it. Its not like most children get called by all their names on a daily basis.

WonkyZonkey · 06/03/2016 16:34

Wow indeed! I hope she feels embarrassed now. Unless she truly is unhinged she probably does...

theycallmemellojello · 06/03/2016 16:34

I think that you and your DH both need to be on board with whatever you name your kids I'm afraid. And although your SIL did not act well, it's fine for your DH to consider her feelings in deciding what he's comfortable naming your child. To answer your question, yes you are being unreasonable "not to listen to your DH" when naming your child. Clearly there needs to be agreement!

Original poster

mollywozhere · 06/03/2016 16:34

Is anybody wanting to know the name?
I don't mind sharing as I know for a fact she doesn't have mumsnet and looks down upon it regularly. Also, thank you for advice and Pommel I am thrilled to be having twin snuggles soon!

OP posts:

Redglitter · 06/03/2016 16:36

Ignore her it's your dad's name and you chose it for that. As PP said it's not like you'll be calling the baby by his middle name. She can't claim a name just because she chose it. Your husband needs to stand up to her and back you on this

theycallmemellojello · 06/03/2016 16:37

You probably shouldn't say the name as number of children, Molly, Aunty E, twins are all quite identifying...

Jw35 · 06/03/2016 16:39

I want to know!

Original poster

mollywozhere · 06/03/2016 16:40

I supppose, it could be yes! But Aunty E isn't her first name, it's just a random letter I picked out. Sorry, for confusing you.

OP posts:

Original poster

mollywozhere · 06/03/2016 16:41

Do you want to know J?

OP posts:

Littletabbyocelot · 06/03/2016 16:44

I suspect I wouldn't use the name, just because I wouldn't want the name to come between me and dh. But I would expect my dh to address the fact that I had been assaulted by a member of his family and that needed to be openly dealt with (along with an apology for the verbal abuse). If she can't see her behaviour as wrong, then I'd say she isn't safe to be around.

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