To expect DH to make amends?

[WonkyZonkey]

When I first met DH he didn't speak to his family, they fell out over something unimportant with his ex. When we got together I spent a lot of time convincing him that it was important to build bridges as we wanted our own family and I wanted them involved.
Long story short, all bridges were built and his family were back in his life, we had a LG and they have been great with her.
We visited regularly and family evening meals always involved wine and nearly always resulted in a heated discussion about one thing or another (they are a family of volatile hot heads) but dont usually involve my husband or I so until the latest visit...

Cutting a longer story even shorter... last visit resulted in MIL massively insulting me (apparently CS is not giving birth properly) and husband falling out with FIL over an old affair his dad had and MIL calling hubs a hypocrite because we met when he was still married (was separated!)
Lots of name calling and shouting between everyone ensued and we were told in no uncertain terms that we were no longer welcome in their house. We left early the next morning.

OH is deeply upset and doesn't seem to care if they are out of our lives for good. I will support hubs and what they did and said was totally out of order but I also feel our LG misses out if she is denied access to her grandparents.

Don't let this put you off. It often gets Silly on a Sunday. Something odd about the weekend postings

For next time, just avoid AIBU like the plague. If you need support try another forum, like Relationships or Chat.

AIBU is a bit of a free for all, posters are more acerbic, short, rude, snippy, crass... it is a great place to vent, but not so good if you need some calmer, more usable responses.

Oh good, you've realised YABU, excellent. :)

It's really your DH's choice - they sound like knobbers anyway, tbh, and as others have said, why would you want that sort of atmosphere in your DD's life?

Look at it like this as well - when she gets big enough to start having her own opinions, are they going to shout her down too? Or are they going to start telling her how crap her mum and dad are? Never underestimate how poisonous people can be when there has been a family falling out - not everyone is so badly behaved, but your ILs sound as though they would be.

It's a lovely thought to have the "chocolate box" family, but most people don't. Your DD will benefit more from having stability and security in her life than people like your ILs, however much they profess to love her now.

IF they decide to apologise (and they should), then maybe your DH could consider re-contacting them - but otherwise, why should he? I think you should support him in his decision, as he no hopefully would do if it was a problem with you and your parents.

Leave them alone. Your DH was right, he knows his family very well and if you let them, there's probably more things like this to come, or much worse.
I don't understand how can you ever say to your son that he's not welcome in your house. Did you leave immediately?

I am glad you got the support and insight you needed out of this thread OP.

You will have to find it in your heart to forgive those who have come across strongly.

For those of us, myself included, who are NC with toxic parents, it is infuriating to read situations where the victim of the abuse (your DH) is urged to put themselves up for further abuse because "THey are family."

Especially on mothers day, those of us who mourn never having had a mother who actually loved us or acted in our best interests, can be quite sensitive.

PLEASE listen to your husband and keep yourselves, and your DC away from PILS. He really needs your support on this.

glee

Really glad you have listened. When I first met dh if he'd hounded my to get in touch with my dad he'd have been told to to leave it. If he'd persisted I'd have finished things.

We left as soon as we could. I didn't want to wake my daughter in the middle of the night so we left as soon as she woke up. DH and I have had a chat, he understands why I pushed first time round and also why I won't now. It never caused any rifts between us anyway as we are one hell of a strong team.
:)

I'm glad you've realised you were unreasonable to consider pushing him again.

If you find yourself longing for your DD to have a relationship with them again think about how they treated your DH. They probably treated him well when he was a tiny tot, like your DD, but one day she'll be an adult too. How they treated him, and you, is how they'll treat her.

You/He are not depriving your lovely daughter of loving, doting grandparents who'll bring joy and happiness to her life - you are protecting her from the bewilderment and heartache of having people in her life who'll treat her like shit and saving her the endless hours of trying to work out what she'd done wrong before realised it wasn't her fault.

Only see them in the morning and not for wine/meals?

wonky if you continued pushing him to be in contact with his parents then you'd be very unreasonable considering he listened to you in the past and it back fired but I'm glad to see that you've come to realise it's your DH you should be supporting.

He knows them much better than you and his family dynamic isn't healthy for your DD. Not every family is like the Waltons.