To ask how you cope with stress without breaking things

[ylaipi]

or ripping out handfuls of your own hair

I'm not depressed or particularly highly-strung but since my DS was born 7months ago I find it hard to stay calm.

I keep starting rows with DH over little things. There is an endless amount of things to do and not enough time each day.

How do you stay calm under pressure?

"He won't do more housework..he insists it's my job"

That's not an acceptable attitude to hold in 2016, especially not when the Mother of your child is so stressed and overwhelmed that they are pulling out handfulls of her own hair.

Tell him everyhing you've told us..the hair pulling, the crying, the plate smashing, all of it.

Tell him that you are really struggling to manage your stress and anxiety and the you are going to seek professional support but that you need HIS support too. Be specific, don't expect him to read your mind, tell him very clearly what he can do to makes things easier for you...put a wash on every couple of days, load and unload the dishwasher, do some batch cooking on the weekends etc.

If after hearing exactly how much you are suffering he still can't bring himself to do a bit of cleaning and tidying for the sake of his wife's mental health...then I'm afraid in your shoes I would seriously be considering the future of our relationship. It really isn't much to ask.

I have thrown stuff (and dented a wall), broken stuff, bitten my fingers and sometimes screamed shouted at dcs when I haven't been able to contain it. But felt really horrible afterwards especially as I am usually very patient.

I am a perennial nail biter, chewing gum chewer and chocolate comfort eater. Wow I sound healthy! These kinds of things keep me going managing 3 kids under 4 with a dh who works very long hours, commutes and often sleeps in at the weekend to be able to sustain what he does in the week, which I kind of understand but I can't help but feel pissed off.

I tend to go through phases of getting 'the rage', and thankfully haven't felt it really badly for a while. It's a relief to know that other people feel it too.

From experience things that help are sleep, exercise, getting out everyday for a decent length of time, having a good network of people to keep things into perspective. I talk to dh about most stuff but discussions re the weekend lying in get nowhere.

Dc3 is a velcro baby and during the day lives in a tula carrier. Some people say their babies don't like slings but she doesn't have a choice! She wouldn't sleep in a basket for longer than 20mins but since my friend lent me a Sleepyhead cushion I have been able to put her down in the evening/ night.

Anyway, I hope you feel more long term relief soon, if it helps to talk to someone professional then why not? That's what they're there for. I have wondered about it myself. Sending you positive vibes.

The problem is your DH. why on earth isn't he being more supportive? What time does he get home in the evenings? House work is not your job, but while on mat leave when he's at work looking after the baby is. Everything else is about survival, and sharing the load.

It really does get easier, but your DH needs to fucking step up

You really need to tell your DH how bad you feel.

I would also speak to your GP.

You menyion housework a number of times. There are 2 adults & 1 baby in your home, really how much housework can thre be? Your dh needs to clean up after himself, non negotiable...

Look after yourself. Concentrste on making your life as easy as possible. Start reducing the night feeds or let dh take over 1 night a week. Use the cleaner more, anything & eveything!!

Take care

Go and see your GP. Please. You don't have to feel like this.

I did and now I'm on Prozac and life is helluva lot less stressful.

I won't be on it forever but right now, it has made daily life a lot more cope-able.

If you tell your GP how you are feeling, they'll most likely get you to fill out questionnaires for PND and anxiety, then talk to you about anti depressants. It's up to you what you do but they are definitely worth a shot.

Excuse typos!

Hello again. Just one other thing on baby sleep that worked for us to drop a night feed is go slightly later every night. Ie if LO usually feeds at 2am then hold out till 2:15 or 2:30 the next night, then slightly later the following one, then slightly later again.
Also DH should be helping you more. Do you have any family help? If not have you heard of Homestart? You can ask your health visitor for a referral or maybe you can call your local branch directly. I was referred to Homestart when pregnant with no2 (only 15 months between mine). I now have a wonderful lady who comes once a week for a couple of hours to help. They're not there to clean your house but will hold your baby whilst you get on with whatever you need to do. Truly great.

Does your H know how you feel? If not you must tell him.
He needs to help you much more than he is. I also think you need to get to bed earlier a few nights a week.
If after a week of more sleep and H helping, you still feel like this then please see your GP. Actually if you make your appointment tomorrow, if it's anythibg like my GPs, it won't be for about 10 days anyway, so please make the appointment tomorrow.

Your dh doesn't even pick up his own coffee mug?
Does he do anything?
It sounds like it's his attitude and your resentment that's adding to your stress.

I get that there is housework but you sound like you're doing a lot.
Relax your attitude a bit, Cook easy meals if you do the cooking and get your dh to do some stuff.

Are you trying to keep everything spotless all the time?
Accept now it can't be done not now with a baby feeding all night and even less so when you've a crawling toddler to contain.

Below are how me and my OH manage. You have to get your OH to realise housework and caring for the baby isn't your down time and you have to have time to rest and do your own things. If he thnks it can be done let him go for it on his next annual leave, and make that soon.

Personally we have a list of weekly and daily jobs and when the babies were waking at night we slept when they did, if we needed to.

So daily one room is cleaned with a wet wipe and worst corners swept/hovered.(5 min max) Dishwasher loaded/unloaded, bottles made,

Then every few days I do a wash other days batch cook us and baby food (although your own left overs are fine for the most part).

Using things like a wipeable shower cutain under the highchair, wipeable backwards jacket on the baby (and you if needed) for meals, wipeable table cloth, quick wet flannel over baby, table and highchair while they are still in the high chair so nothing dries on etc.

I'd get the cleaner doing your bigger jobs so beds, oven/fridge, and a good clean of a few rooms (depending on time) rather than the basic wash up and wipe round stuff.

Leave all house admin to your OH to do when he gets in or on his lunch break assuming you are looking after the baby in that time (so booking appointments, MOT, online shop, buying presents and cards, etc).

Talk to your health visitor and ask her to speak to DH about being more supportive. He is an arse. He should be giving you breaks and doing chores.

I would do nothing for him if he's playing silly beggars. Dump all his stuff in a box. Leave his cups. Not wash his clothes. Not cook for him.