AIBU to remember my miscarried baby, even though no-one else does?

[Juniper4004]

I miscarried a year ago. I know that the baby I lost was just a clump of cells, but to me it was a life. I had started looking into double pushchairs, maternity allowances, and life with a second etc. Then it was gone.

I'm fortunate in that I got pregnant again and now have DC2 (or 3?) who is 6 weeks old.

I had come to terms with the loss until tonight when I realised that DP hadn't mentioned the miscarriage to any of his family. That baby, however small, happened.

It came up in conversation with his sister, who is planning on TTC. It took all of 3 seconds before the conversation changed direction in that 'miscarriage is uncomfortable to talk about' way.

I know I am very lucky to have two DCs; I'm just sad that my DC2 isn't acknowledged.

Sorry, I said in my post that when I miscarried at 12 weeks I didn't think of it as a baby but obviously that doesn't mean other posters shouldn't feel that they DID loose a baby.

They whole gist of my post is that everyone's feeling are legitimate

Like Believe I have forgotten the exact date my MC happened - it helps me to be vague about the dates - but I never forget the day it started, because it was Mothers Day, 2 years ago. It is a relief that Mothers Day moves around every year so at least I know this is not the actual date, but of course it is still at the front of my mind today, and rarely a day goes past that I don't think about it.

I was lucky to get pregnant again soon after - so lucky - and I already had a DD, so I now have. 2 precious DCs, but getting pregnant soon after a MC meant I was either pregnant or recovering from pregnancy for a full 12 months which was quite draining.

Not all my family know, and my MIL has never spoken to me directly about it, which is tactful rather than being evasive - I think she knows I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about it openly to her. DH and I talked a lot at the time and the whole thing was tough on him too, we don't talk about it much now except when we hear that it has happened to someone else (have a few friends having fertility issues at the moment). I am sure he thinks about it too, though, perhaps not as much as me. Really what helped me was talking to friends - so many have had MCs and being able to talk about it made me feel a lot closer to them. And the message boards on here were/are amazing support too.

It has become a bit of a watershed moment for me, everything that's happened to me in the past few years is either 'before MC' or 'after MC'. If you'd said to me I'd still be thinking about it this much two years on, I would be surprised - but somehow even though I have my 2 DCs and my family is exactly what I would have wished for, the experience of the MC is one I can't just shake off.

Hugs to anyone who is finding today difficult.

YANBU [thanks

I remember all my friends miscarried babies.

Sending you much hugs on this day that is set to remind everyone like yourself what they don't have to hug and hold. ( I've already popped. Thread in chat say I'm thinking of those for whom today is sad )

Yohoodlum I was reading the other pp, thinking that I was maybe a bit cold. I feel exactly the same as you, I have had 3 Mc's. I think I can remember the months they would have been due but not dates. I was upset at the time, but rarely think about them now.

I agree, each response is valid.

I'm holding week old DS2 and I'm so lucky to have him, but I'm still angry at myself for letting my MC cloud my subsequent pregnancy so much.

I was convinced something would go wrong, mainly as I got pregnant again quickly - within less than 2 months - and the MC followed a chemical pregnancy. I have no photos of me during pregnancy which i now massively regret, and I became depressed and anxious, only with counselling and pregnancy yoga from around 30 weeks did things improve and I started to choose hope over despair.

I managed to have a healing and positive birth experience, exactly as I wanted it. I'm hoping that will help to save me from PND.

Now DS2 is here, I still think of the baby that wasn't. We saw him or her on the screen, I'm glad I had that chance. I wonder if they would have been a boy or a girl, who they would have looked like, how the age gap between DS1 and them might have been.

The baby was due around the time of Halloween/bonfire night and I often imagine what the sounds, the smells, the colour of the sky would have been like when they were born.

My thoughts go out to everyone who has had a loss.

puglife I have hardly any photos from 2nd pregnancy either, I felt so worried I didn't want to expose myself as 'pregnant' to the world, I wanted to hide away. Now of course I feel a little sad I don't have pictures of me carrying DC2 that I have for DC1.

On a happy note, I've just heard today that a friend who has MCd twice is pregnant again and into the second trimester. So fingers crossed it will come right for her.

And puglife congrats on your DC2! Mine is 1 year old now and a real joy, all the worries of the pregnancy do feel quite distant now, luckily.

Yanbu

Massive hugs to all those who have mc.

I can't imagine what it must be like. I had a chemical pregnancy a few years back, and that was hard enough. It wasn't even a proper pregnancy, but I saw those lines, told DH, and for a few days I was happy, wondering what it would be like to have a winter baby

Despite only being a chemical, I still feel a bit sad about it as I haven't got pregnant again since and it looks increasingly likely I never will.

DH has no bio children of his own. It's bittersweet, because at least I got to see his face when I told him I was pregnant. I am lucky to have that at least

Yanbu to remember but i kind of feel from your post that you are dwelling on it and not moving on. You cannot let it eat you up, it happened and you have been blessed with another child.

Mine would have been seven on the 21st October. Very wanted child, much loved and never forgotten.

to everyone thinking of a missing child today whatever the reason.

Of course YANBU!

YANBU OP.

I lost two babies before I conceived DC1. DC2 is due any day now. Part of me feels that DH, MIL and any others who knew (not many people, thank goodness) have expected me to have forgotten the lost ones now DC1 is here and healthy (or at least lock them away in a deep dark corner of my mind). I had a little cry earlier today for both of them, and when DH asked me what was wrong I felt I had to blame pregnancy hormones and the fact that DSD and DS had made me so happy on Morhers Day.

It's hard - I don't think anybody else can ever feel your loss quite the same as you do.

Teaoneverest - just seen your post.

A chemical pregnancy is of course just as valid as losing a "proper" pregnancy - in the sense that although it may only exist for a few days, it's the hopes, the dreams, the wondering what your baby will look like, who they'll take after, what they'll go on to become in life - it's no less painful to have those thoughts and feelings taken away from you after a few days than after several weeks.