Feel a bit letdown by a friend

[whenwegettonarnia]

I've been good friends with someone for about 4 years.

I've been there for her when she's needed me - provided childcare and support when she went through a miscarriage

On the end of the phone and supportive when she was in bits as she accidentally hurt her child - talked her down when she was in tears and reassured her it wasn't her fault.

Looked after her DC all day when she was having another baby. Happiness and joy all round when baby arrived safely, etc.

I've never really asked for anything from her before...anyway..I've had a really difficult time lately, got diagnosed with depression and have a lot going on.

We were chatting by text and I decided to tell her I was having a bit of a bad time, depression etc...she replied "oh I'm sorry, we must meet up soon as I always enjoy venting at you, you always make me feel better etc etc, I'll message you with dates"

About three days later I get "I can do X date (three weeks away) or Y date (4 weeks away) after 10:30"

Incidentally, I work, and the dates she suggested are my working days. She doesn't work - I understand she probably keeps busy.

I just...I just...I'd make more of an effort, I think? Whenever she's needed me I've been there. Now I feel like me and my depression just need to fit into her schedule. Meh.

"These threads come up so often on here, usually with a baffled, upset OP who feels she has been 'paying in' to a friendship bank account for years, and now she wants to draw on the account for once, the other party won't allow it. "

I get what you're saying, yet at the same time I don't get it. If I have a friend, and they're upset, I want to be there for them. I don't see it as a 'bank' that's just the way it is...

OP
I differ from the others, I think she's been pants and you didn't need to be clearer
Even you just vaguely said "I've been having a hard time", a friend who really cares would have said "sorry to hear that, anything I can do".

I realise you've paraphrased but that reply sounds like she's saying "I must see you so I can vent about my shit".

Obviously you might want to chat to her but in principle, I think people who take help and support with stuff should be willing to help in return.

Sadly it's often the case that in hard times you find out who your real friends are. I now only have a small circle of friends because I don't suit the kind who are only there for drinks on a Saturday night.

We cross posted
About two years ago I was baffled with one so called friend who wasn't around for me when seriously ill. I wasn't in MN then but the friends I talked to all said "dump her" (they all took care of me). I didn't at the time because I was too ill for drama but I did later on....then looking back, I saw many signs of selfishness which I should have spotted before.

If you're someone who is naturally giving, you need to watch out for users, sorry.

Thanks..I've not been really clear about what I said..

basically it was "i got diagnosed with depression just before christmas but things are getting better now"

her: "oh god, I'm so sorry to hear that...etc etc...would you like to go for a walk sometime soon? I'll get back to you with dates"

2 days later "i can do X date (2 weeks away) or Y date (3 weeks away) after 10:30 AM".

She has 2 x pirmary school aged children the same ages as mine and a baby (pushchair pusharound-able age). I work 4 days a week. She's offered me a Weds one week and a Thurs the other week...obviously it suits her but doesn't make me feel much of a priority.

Thanks lorelie.

Especially this: "If you're someone who is naturally giving, you need to watch out for users, sorry"

I believe that this is what my counsellor is trying to get me to understand...and I get the sentiment.

But applying it to people I care about and like is actually really hard. But I have to start looking out for myself.

Ah, so she did say sorry?

The date thing is hard to comment on without knowing what she's normal,y like. I know if I didn't have time to meet sooner I'd book in a phone chat but some people aren't phone people.

Yes, she did say she was sorry to hear that. Then kind of tried to shoe-horn me in to her existing schedule, in 3 or 4 weeks time when it was convenient to her. The way I would do with a non-urgent client at work.

She was sympathetic, to a point. But very much, all about fitting into her schedule. I don't doubt she doesn't want me to be unwell. But she'll fit me in when it suits her, soo..

To be fair to her, though, reading that back, it probably does very much read as a non-urgent thing that can wait whereas the things I've been for her over have been very immediate childcare problems. So I really should give her the benefit of the doubt.

she might have thought oh well, diagnosed at Xmas abd only just said therefore non urgent.

But I can only say what I'd have said, which would be, what do you need, can I do anything, door always open etc. but she might have thought it was obvious she would drop things if you needed to talk asap?

Worth talking to her directly.

I too think her response was shoddy but in all honesty, I find it difficult to reach out to others even when they suffer with similar things. Its stupid really, like you I'm a fixer when people come to me with something solvable or solid perhaps but I can struggle with mental health and that's where my problems lie! I suppose I know how I deal with things and worry too much about leading others down a route that won't help them.

With your friend her response was shoddy undoubtedly. But it could be that she only understands the relationship one way, or that she doesn't know really what to say/do as you're 'the strong one'. Also you've said you told her you were diagnosed a while ago but are doing better now so she may feel guilty she's been unloading on you when you've been ill yourself, plus she may feel some guilt for not noticing.

Your friend isn't being as awful as some on here seem to be, so all I'm saying is possibly give her the benefit of the doubt for now. If you'd really like to talk to her sooner, just ask. There are some crappy people out there who would have got that message and ran.

And btw and because depression sucks

I think you have to decide whether to be honest with the friend or whether to pull back.
I have been in this situation often, and I usually just pull back. I have never explained why I am hurt (or even that I am hurt).

Someone upthread put it as "to her the friendship is set". I have never seen someone else articulate this thing that I have often noticed: when you have a talker and a listener, or an asker and a helper, the listener / helper often believes deep down "this person accepts my help because they believe in friends helping each other, and one day she might help me."

Actually this can sometimes be "this person accepts help because they believe in me helping them and no help is going to come back to me because they don't believe in them helping me."

If you think about how long it takes for someone to find some reason / excuse / way to help you, you can usually see how it is going to go. Some people don't need you to be diagnosed with depression to make some space to give you a bit of TLC, especially after you have helped them.

anyway. I don't like asking for help, but I don't like people assuming I don't need it either. as a result I have a small, precious group of very real friends, and a wide circle of colleagues, contacts and acquaintances, and I don't expect much of them, and that works for me.

I am sorry things have been hard for you and I'm sorry your friend is like this. You have to decide whether you feel worse or better if you tell her how you feel, and then act accordingly. but I'm afraid if she is selfish you can't stop her being selfish. you can only decide what to do.

I'm not sure it's her using you. It could be.

I think it's more that (sorry, this is patronising and not meant to be) sometimes "weaker" people (or people who perceive themselves as such) latch onto someone "stronger", and they can't bear to let that slip.

Maybe your friend "needs" you to be the 'strong' one.

Sorry for all the inverted commas, but hope you understand what I mean... That how she sees you in her mind is how she wants you to be, and doesn't want that to slip to something equal as she maybe sees you as not equal to her????

Not to disrespect either of you.

Be upfront with her and tell her how you feel. Send her a long email or text (tell her you're putting it in writing because it's a lot to try to say over the phone). Tell her you would be very appreciative of some time with her NOW, time where YOU vent and SHE listens.

If her venting while you listen is your general trend, she may feel that her venting is something you take pleasure from and her meeting with you to do so would make you feel better.

If she is really your friend, she'll be understanding. She'll say "Gosh! I didn't see it like this before! I was a bit surprised by your email but after thinking about it, I understand where you're coming from! I love and " If she isn't your friend, she'll say, "How dare you do this to me! Etc etc etc" and dismiss you. But either way, you'll have said your piece and given her the fair opportunity to respond.

Sounds very one sided to me, being a good friend is a two way street, she should be supporting you. I would tell her, actually can you come round, I need someone to talk to, see what she says. Her reaction will speak volumes.

I had a very similar sitution with a friend. I think you can go one of two ways, either tell her what you need from a friend at the moment and be prepared to drop the friendship if she thinks that's an unreasonable request. Or mentally revalue the friendship and accept now that she's just not one of those people who is going to be part of your support network and any support you do get will come as a nice surprise.

I didn't do either of these things and instead kept hoping that my friend would suddenly come good and be the kind of friend i expected her to be. I ended up developing a huge amount of resentment for her, which wasn't healthy for either of us.

Thanks everyone. I feel better about it today.

I'm just not going to rely on her for anything. She's good fun to be around, I'll just make sure she's a friend I see in good times and won't worry about the rest.

I had a 'friend' of a similar nature and never regretted it when I let her go. I think the response you got tells you, really, what kind of person she is when it comes down to it. You, I am pretty sure, would never respond that way to someone, a friend, in need. I think sometimes, we are afraid almost to recognise the reality in front of us. If you have always been there for her and now you have asked for something for the first time and she has acted shoddily (and she has), then it tells you that she isn't capable of being there for you as you would like, at this time. Would you really want to negotiate with someone like that? Of course you can, if you wish, by telling her how you feel, what you need, etc. Important to bear in mind, I think, that when you asked her to be there for you, she was unable to step up to that. If you want to work with that you can, it's your friendship. In no way are you responsible for her shoddy behaviour. One symptom of depression can be that we blame ourselves for the behaviour of others, as if we are in control of that. She is in control of who she is, and this is who she is. The rest is up to you. I recommend a depression course by Mark Tyrell and Roger Elliot available online called The Natural Depression Treatment Programme, and their website is called Uncommon Knowledge. Best of luck :)