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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

and selfish or do I have the right to be upset?

45 replies

Inshock73 · 05/03/2016 15:37

DP and i have a 10 month old baby and I'm 10 weeks pregnant, this pregnancy was a complete surprise as I'm 43 and he's 39, I won't go in to further details. We've had to do a lot of soul searching over what to do with this pregnancy and have decided to go ahead, it's been a really difficult time. DP leaves for work at 5am and gets home around 8-8.30pm, baby is in bed when he leaves and often in bed when he gets home. DP used to be a really keen cyclist but lost interest and has now taken up cycling again. He's started cycling every Saturday with another cycling buddy (a man) and often spends most of Sunday getting ready for work, he's a tradesman so has to sort out van and buy materials etc. Today he came back from a cycle ride and told me he's declaring this year the year of 'him', it's his year! He's going to train a lot, get fit and focused. Am I just being really hormonal (10 weeks pregnant!) to find this really selfish. I'm ashamed to say I burst in to tears. I can't work out whether it's because I would like the opportunity (and time) to just focus on me, or whether its because I feel he doesn't spend any time with us now, or whether it's because I will be heavily pregnant while he's getting lovely and trim. AIBU? We normally have a very good balanced relationship.

OP posts:

maddening · 05/03/2016 16:31

Surely this year and the next few years are "the years of having babies and toddlers" shortly followed by the "years of primary school children, activities and children's parties" during which you carve out a little time for yourself but certainly no huge periods for "the self" surely!

Lweji · 05/03/2016 16:32

It doesn't seem to me that he's thinking of being healthy for his family, or he'd have said it was the year he'd get fit.
He said it was the year for him. It's often said here to listen to what people say.

It does sound like checking out to me and I do think he must be confronted with what it means to be his year.
It means less contact with the children and you. It means you taking over his parental and house obligations. It means you not having time to yourself. It may mean marriage break up in the end because you grow apart.

I'd suggest instead that he makes it the year of family.
Taking the 10 month old to the park. Or in bike rides. Working a bit less. He can even incorporate baby in exercise at home if he wants to get fit.
But family should come first now.

diddl · 05/03/2016 16:34

Hopefully it was just a comment.

But that's stonkingly long hours that he is out of the house in the week!

Sounds as if he might have to sort his Sunday out though.

Most of a day to sort outa van & buy materials?

How long does he cycle on Sat?

GrumpyOldBag · 05/03/2016 16:34

In your position I would let him have it with both barrels.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 05/03/2016 16:35

Ha ha ha, the year of him, with two other members in the family and one on the way.

Why does he get to bug out every Saturday, when do you get your turn so that he can stay at home with the baby?

EweAreHere · 05/03/2016 16:42

YADNBU.

How lovely for him to decide to take some time for himself, when he already does so little for and with his children.

I'd kill him dead.

EweAreHere · 05/03/2016 16:43

Does he really not realize or think about you at all in this, the person who has to pick up the slack so he can jolly off and have a him year?

Ugh.

EweAreHere · 05/03/2016 16:47

Now go out and buy him two big presents: a bike seat that holds a toddler in the back of the bike, and a little bike seat for an even small one for the front. OR one big present, a bike trailer that will seat two small ones.

And give them/it to him tomorrow.

Jackiebrambles · 05/03/2016 16:48

Lol at 'year of him'.

I've got a 3 year old and an 9 month old and I'd like a ruddy 'hour of me'.

I fantasize about having a whole day to not be responsible for anyone but myself!

But I've got young kids, it ain't going to happen soon. And luckily my Dh is in the same boat!

Just talk to him. He's in for a bit of a shock when baby 2 arrives. 2 is pretty hard core I find. Especially when you are pushing 40 like me.

CamboricumMinor · 05/03/2016 16:55

'year of him' ??? Ye Gods, it sounds more like the 'year of being a total dickhead' to me...YANBU.

IdStillRatherBeKnitting · 05/03/2016 16:56

I also have a mamil, who has been declaring this type of clap trap for a few years now (he is still contemplating it). I have learnt to and go, "Okay dear, when are you planning to fit this in?"

Good phrases:
1, Super, half an hour on the turbo after the kids are asleep each night should do it, no, in the garage, not the living room ffs
2, Nice evening, sure, your slot is 9-10pm, enjoy!
3, You can go out and play once the kiddies are sleeping, the washing up is done, and you've made your lunch for tomorrow.
4, Yes, I'd love a road bike, once DC2 is a year old, it will be my turn, deal?

for you. You have a lot on your plate. Men and bikes (yuk) and we run a chuffing bike shop

WitchWay · 05/03/2016 16:56

He's nearly 40 - buy him one of these

and selfish or do I have the right to be upset?

IdStillRatherBeKnitting · 05/03/2016 16:57

Sorry to be a bit flip, do talk to him. It might just be the endorphins (sp) from a good pedal.

sonjadog · 05/03/2016 17:09

Cycling? It is an obsession. I have seen it seriously negatively impact several marriages and it ended a relationship (it was only a few months so no big deal) that I had started. I hate cycling in a way that is unreasonable to feel about what is really an innocent past-time.

I would be very clear to him about what he needs to do with his two small children this year and ask when exactly the long cycling sessions he sees for himself are going to happen, because they won't be in daylight hours. Tell him that his "year of me" is not going to be this year because he has responsibilities that take precidence.

DistanceCall · 05/03/2016 17:11

Och, he just said something stupid - he was probably feeling enthusiastic about exercising again and came out with that. It doesn't mean that he won't be around to take care of the children (it doesn't mean that he can't exercise AT ALL either. Or that you can't do other things than taking care of your children).

You should probably just have wryly replied - "of course, between feed and feed", or something like that. But it's understandable that you got upset.

As the other posters said, I think you need to talk to him about how you feel and your worries.

Yohoodlum · 05/03/2016 17:23

Hopefully he was just not thinking.

MistressDeeCee · 05/03/2016 17:51

OP you already have 1 child that he doesn't see. Thats why I think its not just a throwaway comment at all, you're already living with this set-up of "his time" and now he wants to again cut into the minimum time he has with you all now by taking up a hobby So there'll also be no time with your future little one. The Sunday thing seems like a red herring to, another way to have "his time" as whatever he is doing doesn't need to take all day.

Why such long working hours in the week? I know tradesman can work long hours but, that amount?! Im self-employed and could earn a shitload more money if I put in a load more hours, but I won't as time, and family life, is important.

Hopefully he will listen to you when you discuss the situation, and you will both come up with a plan to suit. As it stands, without bringing new baby into the equation, he has already checked out of family life anyway so, now is the time to nip it in the bud.

Pseudo341 · 05/03/2016 17:59

Sounds like he's just been a bit thoughtless to me. You need to sit him down and calmly explain what the problem is. I can understand that he might feel he has no time for himself given his long working hours that really take up six days a week and he's suddenly all excited to have his hobby back. Has he ever taken your baby for a day by himself to give you a break? I suspect he's just utterly clueless as to what your life is like right now, and how much harder it's going to be once the new baby arrives.

You need to have a serious chat with him about sharing the childcare a bit more. He must be feeling pretty worn out working those long hours but he sounds really disengaged from family life which could be disastrous for the long term survival of your marriage. Can he cycle every other weekend, for the morning only, and then next week it's your turn to nip out somewhere by yourself? Sundays can be family time. I don't understand how he can need a whole day to get ready for work unless he's ridiculously disorganised in the week, what exactly is he doing with that time?

fluffypacman · 05/03/2016 18:08

My hubby can be a bit like this but he now drags the kids around in his cycle trailer so he can combine childcare and his hobby. I get a break into the bargain so it was a compromise even if it does eat in to our family time a bit. Cycle trailers only recommended from age 1 but we had a good infant support so I think we started from around 9 months. Big investment but we bought a Thule chariot cougar 2. It converts in to a double buggy when not being pulled behind the bike. Not ideal day to use as a buggy as the seats don't recline but means you can walk around with it once you arrive where you're going. The children either fall asleep in it or sing songs. I do feel for you. I know exactly how you feel. TBH I think hubby's obsession is bordering on aspergers.....seriously. I agree with the lady who commented, yes when are you going to fit this in? Two children was a shock to the system to me. Looking after the baby is much easier second time around but the juggle of being torn between two demands often at the same time takes some getting used to. This is a decision you have made together. You will need his support.

Gubbins · 05/03/2016 18:10

Not all cyclists are selfish. My partner would love to sign up for the Etape but hasn't yet because he knows he'd have to take a step back from family life to train. Our youngest is now in year 6 and he's finally allowing himself to be persuaded that next year can be 'his year'.

Talk to your DH, OP. He needs to know how comments like that make you feel.

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