to not want to get on a plane

[hateflying1]

The last time I went anywhere by plane was 13 years ago. There hasn't really been any need to get on a plane since then as we either go away in the UK by car or abroad by car and/or overnight train (to stay with family so no accommodation costs).

Dh has always known how I feel about planes but ridicules it.

I am looking at booking a week away in the South West over the Easter break but dh has been suggesting abroad. I've been saying that any holiday abroad would be more expensive than a holiday park break here but asking him to look (thinking that there are places in Northern France etc. that you can take the ferry to etc..). This morning he mentioned Spain so I said have a look...

He found a break to Southern Spain, flights all in, for roughly the cost of the South West break if you include petrol.

Am I being unreasonable to mind that he completely discounts how I feel about planes? We could go to Spain by ferry but that would mean staying somewhere more North.

So I said that I do not want to go on a plane but that if he wants to take the dc then that would be fine and that they would love it. He just looked at me and is now not talking not unusual.

In any case this morning he has criticised the way I cleaned the fridge telling me to come and have a look and calling me "dirty" when I made sarcastic comments about him being so perfect (which was my retaliation as I don't think he should be coming me to have a look at my supposedly inferior cleaning efforts ).

He has also dismissed how excited I was about Tim Peake mentioning my dcs' secondary school when on video link to a parliamentary sub committee about science (4 A level students from the school were in the audience). The head is really proud and dh said he is "clutching at straws". I said that dh reduces everything to nothing (which I feel he does) and he then sarcastically had a go at me saying "oh poor you", and waving me away like an annoying mosquito.

He does nothing for my Birthday let alone a day like Mother's Day (which I know is more commercial), there is no celebration of "us" mainly because it is not the way he was brought up or saw his parents behave I think.

He also never ever touches me and I have given up minding about it, but I really think that he holds me in some kind of contempt. It is not always like this and things are a lot better than they were, but I think we are basically pragmatically looking after the dc. The week is easier because of working, getting out of the house etc...

So in this context should I be making an effort to panic about flying, fly, panic about flying on the way back and fly again??

I genuinely don't know if I should get on a plane or not?

And I went to get my hair cut this morning and he said nothing about it at all .

I think you need to separate the issue of your plane phobia from a relationship that is t working.

TBH I'd be looking at spending the holiday money on couples counselling.

It can be hard for people to understand irrational fears (I hate flying too) and I just let my dh book long haul then try books/courses/drugs etc as I don't want it to hold him or us back when I know it's not rational.

That isn't really be problem I don't think. Your husband is unkind and disrespectful to you, it sounds like there's no intimacy left either. Have you talked about it with him?

*the problem

I have a very rational fear of flying because I was involved in an "incident". I went to a hypnotist and also now take diazepam - reasonable quantities to get on and off of the plane. it works for me.

on my last flight I did it on half a tablet so over the past 20 years it is improving but it takes time.

as others have said, if this forcing you to fly is actually about something else in your relationship then you need to deal with that. the flying bit is just a diversion to the other crap that is clearly going on in your marriage.

So many issues here.

The hair? Don't sweat it. I have gone from brunette to blonde and my brother dropped me off and picked me up, he didn't notice. My mum took two days to realise dad saved his tash off. He had had it for 25 years. These things happen. But I suspect this is a pattern of behaviour.

The flying, whilst I get it as I am afraid of flying (really terrified) I think it's unfair if you aren't doing anything to combat it. Your families holidays shouldn't be dictated to by your fear. I feel it's very unfair.

But the main problem, to me is that he sounds a miserable git.

The taking the piss out of you is not ok. The sniping at you about cleaning isn't ok. Tell him to do it himself.

The Tim Peale thing, I cant really judge but sounds like a pattern of behaviour where no one can be happy about anything.

The simple fact is (and I know this is only your point of view) he sounds quite nasty. The relationship sounds very unhealthy. I never say ltb, but unless something majorly changes this relationship is dead in the water.

Wow Hate Flying, I as going to make a silly comment about Mr T and glasses of milk! But I think YellowTulips is right. There's a lot more going on in this relationship, and you both need to sort it out before it gets beyond repair.

I hate flying.

I hate flying too so I can understand that but he probably doesn't really know what it is - my husband knows I won't fly but still suggests it fairly frequently!

I think it's unfair if you aren't doing anything to combat it. Your families holidays shouldn't be dictated to by your fear. I feel it's very unfair.
I would love to combat it - it's really not that simple!

it is never essential to fly unless you were born on St Helena.

it is also never essential to waste life on a shit relationship. Like anything not working - fix or chuck.

I would love to combat it - it's really not that simple!

I know it's not. I tried loads of stuff, now I can get my terror down enough that I can get on a plane. Still scared shot but better than it was. But if the OP is just saying I am not doing it and not trying anything at all to do anything. I think it's unfair.

Lots of bad stuff going on between you two.

The flying issue is a shame, especially as he doesn't validate your fear. Would you consider some sort of therapy, maybe speak to your gp about it? To at least try to fix your problem would be considerate. It's not fair to prevent your children from flying because you won't, and they probably wouldn't want to go without you.

I think you have much bigger problems than being afraid of flying, so I'd be focusing elsewhere if I were you.

That said, I do think people who "don't like to fly" are quite selfish to the rest of their family. You don't say you are phobic, you did even ask him to price foreign holidays, and you are asking if you should fly or not, so it seems clear that you aren't so scared that you are unable to, you just don't want to. Which isn't very nice for the rest of your family who are stuck with a UK holiday every time.

JanetOfTheApes - people who say that they don't like flying very often are phobic! I would love to fly - not being able to has created tension both at work and at home. I don't think the OP needs to be told she is selfish (and neither do I).

I can get on a plane but I dread the wondering if this is the one that is going to crash when we book the tickets. I don't like being up there totally out of control, the noises the engines make or the fact that if it crashes that's pretty much it for everyone on board. So it makes a holiday stressful because there is that bit before it and at the end of it.

We haven't only had UK holidays - we have been to places by car and overnight train. We could go to Spain this way but I suppose that that would drive the price up. When I asked dh to look at prices I thought he might take how I feel about planes into account.

That said I am wondering whether getting on a plane is something I should make myself do as a mother?

I did say he could go so I am not trying to stop the others.

I could say ok let's go but I would then have a permanent slightly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

people who say that they don't like flying very often are phobic!

Sure, but OP has intimated that she could get on a plane if she chose to, she'd just rather not, so I don't see how your comment applies here.

He flies with the kids, you ferry over and train down to meet them.

Have you seen this website? It's about how to travel anywhere in the world using means other than flying.
Link below shows getting to your destination by train, but also has info on driving and ferry.

I first found the website because I wondered if I'd ever get to America without flying turns out Ican if I have a couple of weeks and £1500 to spare for the QE2 or container ship passenger.

southern Spain by train

I'm terrified of flying, and was planning a birthday trip for my boyfriend to Amsterdam this month, so did lots of crash statistics research, and then sat and watched the entire flight from inside the cockpit taxi/take off and landing UK to Schipol airport in Holland. It's less than 30 minutes if you don't count runway taxi-ing each end. It doesn't fly that high. Watching that video really helped actually.
Pilots aren't bored train drivers just doing a job, they absolutely love these machines, they have so much respect for the machine, and they want to get back home to their families too so of course they're not going to panic and throw their arms up in despair if it ever comes down to it, they'll control these machines like the bloody experts they are. They can do more than just fly it in a straight line and switch on to autopilot, they can actually control every little twist, turn, foible and acrobat you can think of if they need to. And I bet they want to . Pilots have a love of flying obviously and Ai wouldn't be surprised if they have their own small aircraft hobbies too at home whether that's a Cessna, microlight, etc.

Your life may be in their hands, but you'd feel confident in the passenger seat of a formula 1 driver because of their experience, talent and respect for their machine? Same as airline pilots. That plane is their's for the duration. They enjoy flying, they want to do it to the best of their ability, they're all talented at what they do.

I also worked out my fear is based on

1. what happens to my kids if it crashes (not taking them) so I'll solve that by sorting a will and guardianship/custody.
2. how will I deal with the seconds before it crashes and I thought it will only be painful for a second if that, I might even pass out beforehand
3. I've watched A LOT of graphic plane crash YouTube vids some filmed inside as it happened (mainly small Cessna type planes) and people aren't hysterical with fear, they're just strapped in following brace instructions and prepping themselves to evacuate. I don't recommend you do this, it worked for me as I faced my fear sort of thing, but there's an awful lot of fake crash photos on there, aftermath of a crash if you know what I mean, very graphic.

Many people recommend medication to calm your nerves. Valium. I have no experience of medications like this so can't comment on their effectiveness, but Im going to try it. I'll let you know how it goes!

Hi OP, what happens if one of your kids moves abroad when they're older?

I am a very nervous flyer too. I will make myself do it to get from A to B if it is the most cost effective in terms of time and money, but it isn't my favourite part of any trip. I think for me it is the feeling of being in an alien environment and not being in control.

Statistically I know that I am not being rational, but that doesn't stop me feeling that way.

Last summer we had a 4 hour flight to Cyprus for a holiday. I took Kalms for several days beforehand. I think it helped a bit.

Your DP should not be so dismissive of your feelings though, and it does sound as though this isn't the only area in which he behaves like that.

Relationship to be sorted first IMO.

Doesn't sound great to me from OP.

Anyway, Valium and that family of drugs will get you there and back floating in the sky. If that is what you really want to do that is.

The fact he's a miserable twat who shows you no affection and holds you in contempt is far more of an issue than any flight phobia, you know that, right?

What are you scared of? Is it the plane crashing?

Someone once told me if that's what I was scared of then I wouldn't be happy with my husband and children getting on the plane without me. They were right and I did get on the plane that time!!

Yes, I agree.

If the plane crashes or is hijacked by terrorists wouldn't you rather be all together?

I am quite happy for them to fly without me!