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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD poorly DH working

46 replies

BabyHaribo · 03/03/2016 21:13

I don't know who's bring U here.

DD 19 months is really unwell. Spent yesterday in hospital, still no better so will more than likely be taking her back tomorrow.

It could be a virus but paed was a bit concerned and if she still has fever by tomorrow wants to do blood tests & possibly admit her as it could be something more sinister.

DH has to travel 3 hrs for a work meeting tomorrow. He is still going - no discussions, I have to sort childcare for DS 4 and take DD to hospital alone.

Work meeting is quite important - but then so is DD.

Is he being unreasonable or am I in wanting his help?

OP posts:

ketchupontoast · 03/03/2016 21:56

Sometimes workplaces don't appreciate that there is life outside of the office walls. My colleague had a child who was admitted to hospital during her annual leave (which we don't get paid for) and our boss told her X had to be done by the following week. She spent her annual leave working at her child's bedside. This was the realisation that I needed out of my career so I'm back at uni. A job that does not recognise the importance of family - however young or old - is not a place I want to work in. Maybe he knows it is expected and there is pressure from above. My colleague worked at her child's bedside because it was 'expected' of her.

Corygal1 · 03/03/2016 21:58

I feel for you but I reckon you can make it on your own. Make sure tho that DH knows it's a shitty job to do alone, and that he does the lion's share at the weekend so you get a couple of hours off to destress on your own.

Titsalinabumsquash · 03/03/2016 22:00

Work can always be cancelled for family. YANBU.

FigMango1 · 03/03/2016 22:04

Work can always be cancelled for family. YANBU.

Er. No not always. Not every workplace is that accommodating. Lovely to want to drop everything if you are in that fortunate position but it's not always the case.

maydancer · 03/03/2016 22:07

I agree the hospital would not have sent her home if they had any real worries.Was the comment the usual 'Its probably just a virus,come back again if it's not better in a couple of days'

WeAllHaveWings · 03/03/2016 22:10

Dh worked during the day and came in the evenings when I spent 5 nights in hospital with 14 month old ds who had bronchilitis.

He felt bad enough having to work without me making him feel guilty or he didn't care enough too.

If you dont need him for childcare and your dd hasn't been kept in I think you are being a bit unfair on him.

Hope dd is better soon.

MsMermaid · 03/03/2016 22:11

Dd1 was in hospital for a week when she was just under 3. I went to university during the day for a couple of days, my dad came to sit with DD in hospital while I was at uni. She wasn't seriously ill, she had a close adult with her, I didn't see the problem with it.

Your DD has you. That's how your dh is seeing it, DD is being cared for, she's OK. He also thinks it will be easy enough to find childcare for ds, I can see why he would think this if you have family close by. So to him, this isn't a situation big enough to miss an important work meeting for. It wouldn't be a big enough situation for me to miss an important meeting for either if both children could be cared for by the other parent and a grandparent. That said, he should be helping to organise the childcare needed, and making sure he is doing his fair share of the work when he is home.

Believeitornot · 03/03/2016 22:11

Do you work OP?
Is it more that you've got to sort logistics and your dh just assumes it is your job?

That sort of thing massively annoys me but only because I too work albeit 4 days to DH's full time. However my job is more senior than his. Yet feels like sometimes it's my job to sort out stuff re the children.

You need to talk to him, explain why you're annoyed so even if he does have to travel you've been heard.

And actually yes, work sometimes does have to be accommodating of ours lives outside of work. It might be incredibly difficult but most of the time it has to be done if absolutely necessary.

But in the case of your dh- it isn't in his eyes necessary for him to cancel. ketchup if I were your colleague I'd have said no! Would they have fired her? Sometimes, bosses do take the piss and we let them.

whattodowiththepoo · 03/03/2016 22:16

YABU your DH can't do anything for your poorly DD, you want him to make it easier on you which is fair enough but he has an important meeting.
Hope DD is better soon.

ketchupontoast · 03/03/2016 22:20

Believe...she would've been put on capability because she didn't do the work necessary. She was also up against me and we were fighting for one job. It would've been also a major issue for the team as external agencies were coming to review the work. No one else could've done it but both this person and I were publicly humiliated infant of the team and our shortcomings listed after we let one (less important area) slide when fighting for our jobs and doing just what we needed in those three weeks to keep things ticking over. Unfortunately the job means you do what needs to be done regardless...hence after too many 70/80 hour weeks I'm glad to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

ketchupontoast · 03/03/2016 22:21

In that fighting for one job....one was to be made redundant

AppleSetsSail · 04/03/2016 06:34

It depends on factors such as how important the meeting is, how things are going at work, etc. I don't think you're being unreasonable, but neither do I think he is (without knowing more).

I really hope your daughter is OK.

minmooch · 04/03/2016 06:49

Firstly I hope your daughter is fine and whatever is making her poorly is not sinister.

I took my children to hospital many times without their father. If he was at home at the time of illness then he came with or looked after the other one. He came with when we were blue lighted to GOSH but worked whilst I was in with my DS. It was hard but I needed him at home for when we were discharged.

When our eldest was diagnosed with a brain tumour he left work as I made the call to him. Unfortunately during his 5 and half months in hospital, a further 22 months of treatment his Dad had to work. It did not mean he did not want to be with his son. Life is not as simple as that and there is little financial help during long term stays in hospital/illness.

Wait for diagnosis. If the illness requires more treatment that is the time for discussing how you will all manage.

Believeitornot · 04/03/2016 07:45

That's awful! What is the industry??

RJnomore1 · 04/03/2016 07:51

If it was me I'd be going to work secure that my daughter was cared for. I appreciate it's tough for you but caring for your children's long term needs ie making sure finances are secure is just as important. Plus it would mean I would still have goodwill at work if situation goes on and ds needs cared for another time when no one else can.

It's tough for you but it's logically correct.

Goingtobeawesome · 04/03/2016 07:54

I remember once I had to take DS to hospital as he had cellulitis and it had spread. I just told DH and assumed he'd stay off work with DD. I'm sure he would have already decided he would but there is no way I'd have let him go.

I think your DH is wrong to go to work with it being so far away but I'm sure you know whether he is an excellent loving dad the rest of the time or this is another sign of twatty behaviour.

TurnOffTheTv · 04/03/2016 07:57

Are you having to take the day off work OP?

Goingtobeawesome · 04/03/2016 07:57

Now the children are older we have an agreement that he will go to work but keep his phone with him and will come home if I need him too. The youngest is too young to leave with a sibling.

ketchupontoast · 04/03/2016 09:28

Believe...teaching!

CalleighDoodle · 04/03/2016 12:40

Ive known A teacher be refused a morning off when his son was going for an opperation. He is the main carer (child lives with both parents but mum doesnt have a hands on parenting role) but the unpaid leave request was refused.

WhereDidAllThoseYesterdaysGo · 04/03/2016 12:48

I'd feel really disappointed too OP.

I think society's work family priorities are really skewed is this is normal.

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