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AIBU?

Or is my mum re Mother's Day plans?

57 replies

PiperChapstick · 02/03/2016 14:00

In our house, like Xmas, we rotate Mother's Day days out- so one year I spend it with DD and DH just the 3 of us, another year we all do something with MIL and then another year we spend it with my mum. (FWIW I wouldn't have it this way if it was my choice but it's what we decided to best please my mum everyone).

This year is my mum's turn and I booked for us all to go for afternoon tea at a country house hotel.

Sadly, DHs nanna (MIL's mum) died on Saturday. She is of course devastated and taking it really hard. She is single and is feeling very alone so we have seen quite a bit of her since the weekend and I asked her to join us for afternoon tea. I couldn't bear the thought of her being alone on Mother's Day after losing her own mum (DH does have siblings but they're all useless and hadn't made plans with her for Mother's Day haven't even visited or called her since nannaILs death, just a text message from each of them )

MIL accepted and was really happy to join us, says she'll need a treat by then.

Told my mum, who is now in a sulk with me, as she thought it would just be me, her and DD (actually DH was coming all along!). I explained that MILS mum has died and she said that whilst it's very sad, she doesn't get many days just me and her, and MIL had her day last year.

AIBU or is she? I think she's being spectacularly fucking selfish!!

OP posts:

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SweepTheHalls · 02/03/2016 14:02

She is being unbelievably selfish

handslikecowstits · 02/03/2016 14:03

YANBU. She is being very selfish. Is she often like this?

Tiggywinkler · 02/03/2016 14:03

She is being selfish. Incredibly so!

I'd be tempted to say that you'll just take MIL on Sunday, and your DM can have her day with just you and DD another time, if that's what's most important to her.

ThursdayLastWeek · 02/03/2016 14:03

I agree with you Piper!

Hopefully she's opened her mouth to speak without thinking through what she was saying. Perhaps she doesn't react to changed plans well? I know I can be a bit like that sometimes.

Fingers crossed she realises what an arse she sounds soon!

Stickerrocks · 02/03/2016 14:04

Maybe she will put things in perspective after she's had chance to think about it. it does seem a bit of an over-reaction.

Shoxfordian · 02/03/2016 14:04

She does sound quite unreasonable; is there a reason for this? Do you feel you generally do spend a lot of time with her?

5Hearts · 02/03/2016 14:04

Yanbu - she is being horribly selfish. Is that normal for her?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 02/03/2016 14:05

She sounds like my MIL. Quite horrible. I'd be really disappointed. Have you tried explaining that there's enough love to go round - it doesn't need to be rationed.

squoosh · 02/03/2016 14:06

Your mum sounds like a spoilt child. Is she always this bad?

PiperChapstick · 02/03/2016 14:06

She can be like this she's very PA. her own mum died 2 years ago so I thought she'd understand. I really do feel like telling her that we'll do something else on Mother's Day in the morning, as I'm worried she'll sit with a cats bum face during afternoon tea or upset my MIL who is already feeling fragile

OP posts:

RubbleBubble00 · 02/03/2016 14:06

Selfish but sounds like it's not a new thing. Smooth it over perhaps with a mum and daughter afternoon out - not worth agro fighting with her

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/03/2016 14:07

She is being selfish, definitely. Some people just can't see anyone else's perspective. Could you arrange something just the three of you in a week or two? (I know you shouldn't pander but that's what I'd do I think)

handslikecowstits · 02/03/2016 14:08

My brain is screaming: DO NOT PANDER TO HER IN ANY WAY.

I will not tolerate sulking at all. It drives me bonkers.

PiperChapstick · 02/03/2016 14:08

Do you feel you generally do spend a lot of time with her?

No but she lives away, she's coming up for the weekend (another reason as to why she's annoyed as she thought she was getting my exclusive time).

I have a very fraught relationship with her which I'm trying hard to mend. It's mainly fraught because she behaves like this and isn't good at putting herself in other people's shoes

OP posts:

MissBattleaxe · 02/03/2016 14:09

I can't imagine anyone not wanting to be kind to your poor MIL right now! Your Mum is being selfish. Maybe arrange a mother/daughter shopping trip for another day as well, but make it plain that MIL will be coming and you are supporting her, so no sulking,

Honestly! I can't believe she would be so churlish!

CockwombleJeff · 02/03/2016 14:10

Perhaps try to see it from her point of view - everybody is seeing it from MILs view - but what about your mums?

You are HER daughter , she is your mum - perhaps she desperately wants that time with you . Yes your MILs needs are very important at that time - but your mum has needs too and it sounds as though hers aren't being addressed just because your MIL is grieving .

squoosh · 02/03/2016 14:10

I wouldn't arrange a mother/daughter day out a later date. No one is ever too old to learn that they're being an utterly selfish pain in the fucking arse and their behaviour won't be tolerated.

Ilovenannyplum · 02/03/2016 14:11

Your mum is being beyond selfish

squoosh · 02/03/2016 14:11

your mum has needs too and it sounds as though hers aren't being addressed just because your MIL is grieving

Good grief.

MissBattleaxe · 02/03/2016 14:13

You are HER daughter , she is your mum - perhaps she desperately wants that time with you . Yes your MILs needs are very important at that time - but your mum has needs too and it sounds as though hers aren't being addressed just because your MIL is grieving

No, losing your mother trumps being whiny and wanting it to be all about you.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/03/2016 14:13

I have a very fraught relationship with her which I'm trying hard to mend. Is your DM trying to mend your relationship? It will never improve while she behaves like this.

PiperChapstick · 02/03/2016 14:15

Just it's a joint effort, I think we've both bitten our tongues a few times mind you!

OP posts:

diddl · 02/03/2016 14:15

I can see why your mum is disappointed, but really you'll be there with her& your husband will be there with his mum, so that's fine.

Tell her if it doesn't suit then you'll see her some other time!

FigMango1 · 02/03/2016 14:16

Yes your MILs needs are very important at that time - but your mum has needs too and it sounds as though hers aren't being addressed just because your MIL is grieving .

What utter rubbish.

You sound lovely and thoughtful op. Don't pander to her selfish tantrum. Your mil needs you all right now. If she sits there with a stuck up face, just ignore her and carry on. The only one missing out will be her.

Ohfourfoxache · 02/03/2016 14:17

Omg what a cow

I'd be very tempted to cancel her visit, explain that mil needs support and that, as she can't accept this gracefully, it would be best for her not to see mil at this point in time. Her visit can be rearranged.

Whether I'd have the balls to do it or not is another matter. But Yanbu at all - you sound quite lovely

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