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AIBU?

Or is my mum re Mother's Day plans?

57 replies

PiperChapstick · 02/03/2016 14:00

In our house, like Xmas, we rotate Mother's Day days out- so one year I spend it with DD and DH just the 3 of us, another year we all do something with MIL and then another year we spend it with my mum. (FWIW I wouldn't have it this way if it was my choice but it's what we decided to best please my mum everyone).

This year is my mum's turn and I booked for us all to go for afternoon tea at a country house hotel.

Sadly, DHs nanna (MIL's mum) died on Saturday. She is of course devastated and taking it really hard. She is single and is feeling very alone so we have seen quite a bit of her since the weekend and I asked her to join us for afternoon tea. I couldn't bear the thought of her being alone on Mother's Day after losing her own mum (DH does have siblings but they're all useless and hadn't made plans with her for Mother's Day haven't even visited or called her since nannaILs death, just a text message from each of them )

MIL accepted and was really happy to join us, says she'll need a treat by then.

Told my mum, who is now in a sulk with me, as she thought it would just be me, her and DD (actually DH was coming all along!). I explained that MILS mum has died and she said that whilst it's very sad, she doesn't get many days just me and her, and MIL had her day last year.

AIBU or is she? I think she's being spectacularly fucking selfish!!

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green18 · 03/03/2016 21:56

I think that it's just one day, they get to spend time together every other day of the year, so spend mothers day with your respective Mums, probably a few hours top and then get back to together at home. I think it's nice for mother and child to be together without the child's partner.

2rebecca · 02/03/2016 18:25

I won't be spending mother's day with either of my kids as one is at uni and the other away at a friend's. They may send me a card (daughter probably will son will probably forget or send a text). My mum is dead and my husband usually pops a card through his mum's some time over the weekend. Maybe the making a big deal of it rather than just sending a card and flowers and meeting up another time is part of the problem.

grannytomine · 02/03/2016 18:18

We always invited my mother and MIL but now our mothers are no longer with us we don't bother much. One of my sons suggested a meal out on Sunday but I declined, I am doing a buffet lunch and they can all drop in or not but I suppose my kids are lucky that I don't mind if they all go off and spend time with their partners mothers. We can have lots of quality time 364 days a year, or 365 this year, and don't need to be told that a certain Sunday is March is more important than any of the others.

grannytomine · 02/03/2016 18:12

Maybe she felt very disappointed and didn't think. Maybe she will realise, I hope so as obviously you MIL deserves a bit of support and a treat.

ZenNudist · 02/03/2016 16:27

Her lack of empathy is really off putting. It makes her seem like a horrible person. If she is going to silk anyway she might as well have something to sulk about. If she can't be nice to MIL tell her she'd be best staying at home.

MrsHathaway · 02/03/2016 16:23

Hmm.

She's obviously being a cow. And MIL will obviously be sensitive eight days after her mother's death even without the idea of mother's day being rammed down her throat by tv etc.

But personally I'd be tempted to rearrange for fear she would upset MIL - it's not like you'd be able to stop her if they were sitting together.

I absolutely get that you want to spend time with DH that day. I wonder whether it would be possible to have a just-you-three morning, then you and DD see your mother for tea, and DH has a quiet afternoon with MIL.

I think that is sort of pandering, but it would be possible for you to say quite sharply that you didn't trust her not to spoil things for MIL whose feelings must absolutely be paramount at this difficult time.

PhoenixReisling · 02/03/2016 16:23

She is behaving like a sulking child.

Yes, she may well have been disappointed....but where is the empathy?

It may well be Mother's Day, it may well be her year but are the other times you meet not special.

OP I would tell her that you are disappointed with her reaction and that not everything is about her. However, you can understand that she was looking forward to it so have organised X at another time.

PiperChapstick · 02/03/2016 15:49

witchend this will be the first time DM and MIL will have spent time together socially, whenever they've met its either been in our house or at large family events (wedding etc)

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FigMango1 · 02/03/2016 15:44

That's exactly what we would do op as I suggested. We do things as a family and everyone else around can join in or sort themselves out.

Piper you are showing your dd a great example of how to be caring and treat family members. Your mum just needs to suck it up and join in.

PiperChapstick · 02/03/2016 15:42

Because he wants to spend the day with me too green, we're all very close and have always spent Mother's Day together as a couple too (which might be strange to some but it works for us)

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LastOneDancing · 02/03/2016 15:41

Your Mum is behaving like a toddler and I'd be SO tempted to treat her like one and give her two options.

Come to afternoon tea and have a lovely time chatting with MIL and the family over nice food.
Sit here on your own.

And as for the 'just because she's grieving' comment up thread...

FigMango1 · 02/03/2016 15:39

Green the op and her Dh do things as a family and have done this all along, so why do they all need to separate to please one childish person. And presumably both gm Would like to see their gc so how would they split that? Best solution is not to pander to the mum and let her sulk if she wants to.

Greyponcho · 02/03/2016 15:36

Good grief! It's only Mother's Day for Pete's sake - not your DMs birthday (sorry, I do like Mother's Day but it's not as important as birthday IMO).
She sounds pretty petulant to be sulking about having to 'share' her daughter and family on one sodding day... your MIL has just lost HER mum though, so of course you would want to make her feel included.

must admit, if it was me, I'd be making plans for Easter just to placate my DM, being the soft spined people pleaser that I am

green18 · 02/03/2016 15:26

Good point mardy My dh never visited my mum on mothers day and I don't visit his mum. I don't put my name in her card. She's not my mum! Why can't your DH take his mum out and you see yours as planned?

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2016 15:25

She needs to have a word with herself.

Wouldn't bother me to 'share' Mother's Day with my DCs' in-laws, whatever the reason.

MaxPepsi · 02/03/2016 15:18

YANBU and I'd start this as a new 'tradition'

Both mums on mothers day, one year off, then both mums again.

BillBrysonsBeard · 02/03/2016 15:08

She is being very selfish and you are being lovely. If it was me, I think it might be a bit awkward having them together and your mum might not be able to hide her upset, so I would take MIL to tea and your mum can have her turn next year. Or take your mum out next weekend instead.

MardyGrave · 02/03/2016 14:48

Not your son sorry, your husband.

Witchend · 02/03/2016 14:48

It does depend on past history really though.
On the face of it, your dm is being really selfish, and it sounds like you set up this arrangement because she's been drama queen over mothers' day before, which would wind me up.

However if there has been a history of you going to do something with her and your mil having a reason why she joins; or perhaps a couple of things which were special you/her time have morphed into you/her/mil time then it may be she's reacting over past events and choosing the wrong time to make a stand.

I can see why she would be disappointed-she's expecting a day with you and really it could quite easily end up being a day centred round mil and not upsetting her, comforting her.
Having made the arrangement to do it every 3 years too, she's then thinking that this is her turn and she won't be with you on mothers' day again for another 3 years. That's the problem with making it rigid.

I think I'd go back to her and say that you think it would be better if her turn at Mothers' day is just her, but this year you do feel that you need to spend it with mil, so you'll do her turn next year.
If she's just being a drama queen she won't like that, but if she's genuinely upset at not having a day with you then I would feel that was better.

MardyGrave · 02/03/2016 14:46

Did your mother losing her mum fall on a year that was her own Mother's Day?

If she didn't think your son was going to be spending the day with her, why doesn't he spend it with his mother, and you spend the day with your mum and your daughter.

ComeonSummer1 · 02/03/2016 14:36

If you were my dd op I would congratulate myself that I had done a good job with you and be very proud that you were a kind and decent person to think of others like this.

Your mum sounds selfish.

You sound lovely

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 02/03/2016 14:33

Yanbu your mum is

TurtleEclipseofTheHeart · 02/03/2016 14:31

Your mum is being very selfish and showing a complete lack of empathy. I suppose you could have asked her what her thoughts were first and if she had said she was looking forward to it being just the two of you then DH could have arranged something for his mum with his siblings. However, since it didn't happen that way and your mum has form for doing this, I think she needs to be told that she is behaving like a brat.

PiperChapstick · 02/03/2016 14:30

2rebecca DH always joins us for Mother's Day, as he wants to spend time with his wife and daughter - after all I'm a mum too and he likes to spoil me on the day!

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PiperChapstick · 02/03/2016 14:29

Does she have issues with you MIL any other time, or do they get along?

Not at all, they aren't best buds but they get along just fine.

I'm pleased IANBU - my mother has quite the hold on me at times and has a way of making me feel I'm often in the wrong. It isn't until people tell me otherwise that I realise I'm not!

Im wondering if IWBU to tell her we'll go shopping or to the cinema or something in the morning and that I'll just do afternoon tea with MIL. I'd have to pluck up a lot of courage and I'm pretty sure her head will be spinning like the exorcist if I do

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