to tell my friend to knock it on the head?

[TheLeprechaunDidIt]

I need a quick poll to reassure my vulnerable friend.

After years and years of suffering she was finally diagnosed with BPD last year. She is now getting treatment in the form of specialised group therapy and is coming on leaps and bounds. So much so that she's now in a relationship for the first time in the 20+ years I've known her.

The clinic she attends also offers a support group for people living with people with BPD. Her boyfriend has been going to this group. At first this sounds great however nobody else attends this group. So she goes to her therapy group where she is supposed to open up about her mental health and her difficulties with interpersonal relationships. The same therapist then effectively has a one to one session with her newish boyfriend.

She is not comfortable about this and wants it to stop. She feels like she is becoming secondary in her treatment, like he's her carer (which he isn't) and she's no longer an autonomous adult. She's been tying herself up in knots because her therapist tells her that this is her illness speaking and the problem is that she jealous of the attention her boyfriend is getting and she needs to work on this.

I completely disagree. I think most people would feel very uncomfortable in this situation. It's great her boyfriend wants to understand and help but this is trampling on her toes big time.

So, AIBU to tell her to ignore her therapist on this, to go with her instinct and to knock it on the head and get some boundaries in place?

Sorry SaucyJack I didn't mean to ignore your post. I've talked to my friend quite a lot about her therapy but I've never heard the term STEPPS before. I'm going to google it in a minute once I've wrangled the toddler.

The thing is about 'take back control' is that its a group therapy session so she would have no control over who she allowed in her treatment anyway...? If she no longer wanted to be with him as a romantic partner then certainly she should say to him that he cannot attend the sessions. If she does want to be in a relationship with him I think consistency is really important. People with BPD can form very unstable relationships and can project feelings of worthlessness on to other people ie; 'they care more about him than they do about me' Its important that they have group therapy so they can navigate this problem otherwise they may end up having no lasting friendships and/or relationships because they constantly push people away when they start to feel insecure. A large part of BPD is feeling powerless and trying to exert emotional pressure to feel like they can control situations and to test boundries to assure them they are safe. If they are encouraged in this (for example by picking who can stay in a group therapy session according to how they feel about the person) the problem may never get any better.
I understand your worry regarding your friend but I think really you should trust what the therapist says as she will have dealt with many people struggling with BPD.
I work with women with BPD (although very severe cases where they have been sectioned) and this is no insult as some of the women I work with are some of the sweetest most intelligent people you could ever meet, but it is a pattern of behaviour that they can slip into where they place blame for their insecurity on whomever is present at that time ie; 'I feel so awful because so and so is looking at me weird, they are always looking at me weird, I should hate them they are my problem'
Obviously there are always occasions when someone IS antagonising them but its important to take a step back and think 'is this real or is it my illness flaring up?' that's a really important part of getting better. I think in that saying that its her insecurity making her feel that her boyfriend is stealing the limelight her therapist is trying to help her. Its important to not let internal fear of rejection influence friendships and relationships. Just because someone is listening to someone elses problems for a time does not mean they don't care about hers or that hers are less important, it may be internal feelings of insecurity and worthlessness that are causing her to feel like that rather than what anyone is actually doing currently xx

There are a few issue here.
First of all, I want to point out that it is very basic thing for a counsellor/therapist to know to separate clearly what she shares/how she responds both to her and her bf and that there will be no 'leak' between one and the other.

However I feel this is not the issue. the issue seems to be that
1- he is getting one to one sessions, even though neither her, him or the therapist has any control over that. It really depends on who is turning up. I would want to ask why there are so few people though if it is part of the process?

2- that she has become someone who is ill and her bf is her carer as he is been told how to deal/care for her. For me the first question would be, whose idea was it that he attend these sessions? Was it hers, did the therapist advise it and if so, why? If she thought that he would be the best person to learn about the skills needed to be/live with her, then she needs to remember her decision and the reason for it. If she feels that someone else might be better (eg a close family member because they would be a more stable influence in her life whereas she might decide she doesn't like the bf anymore), then she needs to say so.
But would that make then this family member her carer too? Does she needs carer? (Genuine question but she might actually do need someone to 'look after her' when she has a relapse. Is she fighting that?)

A quick google makes me think she's not doing STEPPS. She's doing MBT.

No she doesn't need a carer. I think that's the crux of her issue. I think she feels that she's painted herself into a corner where her boyfriend now has a much bigger role in her life than she is comfortable with.

You say he's a "newish" boyfriend and your friend isn't comfortable with him being part of the treatment. How short does a relationship have to be before they don't ask the boy/girlfriend to attend?

Lots of interesting points to mull over here. Thank you everyone for your input. I'm very much a black and white thinker (ASD) so it's very helpful to get some other input.