Not sure if IABU towards my friend......

[LaContessaDiPlump]

My friend and I have DC of the same age (5yo), and they've known each other since birth. Over the past few years we've spent a lot of time with Friend (F) and her DS (FDS) and they are an important part of our lives.

I am a WOHM, F is a SAHM. Up until recently F has taken my DS for regular playdates once a week after school while I'm still at work - she offered to do this as she says that her DS gets very bored with just her and that it's actually easier for her to look after 2 than 1 as they entertain each other. I'm happy with this and DS enjoys his playdate, so the situation worked for us. The boys are in different schools so it's not like they are already together all day.

However, the situation has now changed. My work hours have changed so that I now have 2 afternoons off each week, which is great - I asked for this change and want to spend the additional time with DS. However I only really have the option to make plans for one of these additional days rather than two, as there is the longstanding playdate with F and her DS. I'd like to take him swimming occasionally (he is scared of water) and also make overtures to the occasional friend from school - we've never had a school playdate before as I'm never here to arrange it. It probably wouldn't be that often but I'd like to feel free to do so IYSWIM.

I can't work out if I am being a horribly ungrateful bitch to be thinking about asking F to reduce the playdate frequency to once a fortnight. She always talks about how much her DS enjoys the playdates, how the two boys are best friends, how her DS couldn't cope without seeing his friend often. My DS has always seemed a bit more easy-come-easy-go about the whole friendship tbf, but she says her son absolutely depends on it. My DS does love his friend, don't get me wrong, but I think he'd be fine with fortnightly visits rather than weekly.

So. Am I being unreasonable to F and her DS to think about asking them to reduce playdate frequency for the reason stated above? I feel like I would be massively ungrateful for all the times she's taken DS and entertained him if I reduce the visit frequency at the first point at which it doesn't suit me. DH says I am being silly. Your opinions would be welcomed please!

I'm sorry for using the term 'playdates' by the way, my friend uses it a lot and I've picked it up

Can't you have a different afternoon off work?

What does your son think about it? Does he want to spend more time with you, or does he like spending time with his friend too?

I'd see if I could change the day of the play date if you can't change work. But if that weren't possible, and if my son wanted to carry on seeing his friend, and if my friend wanted the arrangement up continue even knowing I was at home, then I'd take that as a little bit of me time in the week, and find something I enjoyed doing without worrying about childcare.

StableYard can't change work pattern I'm afraid.

NattyTile DS would quite happily go to his friend's house for the foreseeable future, but an equally appealing alternative would be greeted with excitement too. Not sure I am brazen enough to chuck him at her and go off by myself she enjoys having some company as her partner works late and tbh I enjoy our catch-ups too. Just maybe not weekly.....

DH and I were discussing this morning and he's sure we'll reach a natural middle ground we can all cope with. He agrees that the forced intensity of the friendship is a little unusual and that it would do no harm to separate a bit at this stage, so I think we're on the same page.

I agree that that's a risk Dawn. Just to clarify though, we have been paying for childcare through school; she's been collecting him early so he can play with her DS. We do not rely on her for anything and frankly there have been a lot of times when collecting DS from her place has been a nuisance. But we've let it pass, because DS likes going there and he/she are so invested in it.....sigh.

As you all say, a softly approach is better. Thanks all for your thoughts!