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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Victim Blaming

52 replies

Bathsheba · 28/02/2016 23:30

I was attacked at work on Friday. I work as a 1 to 1 for a child with ASN.

Normally we can read his cues but we got it wrong. I have scratches all over my neck.

I had a top on that was appropriate for school however it left my neck exposed. My line manager was supportive but her stance was very much that I had left myself unprotected and I had become too relaxed as my child had become calmer over the last 8 weeks.

It's been a very traumatic time for me and I'm very stressed about going back in tomorrow morning. My Union are very good but I don't want to cause ructions... However I think blaming me for not having a high necked top on is too much.

Genuinely still jittery about going in tomorrow and I am worried that anything that happens now will be seen as my fault for not protecting myself

OP posts:

GuiltyPleasure · 29/02/2016 00:47

Sorry OP but from your pictures those marks are clearly on your back, not your neck. If you were wearing a similar top to the one you're wearing in your pictures I would agree in general it is entirely appropriate for a work environment, but isn't quite as high backed as your post suggests & therefore I don't necessarily think your employer is being unreasonable. You are of course not to blame for the child attacking you, which must have been frightening for you. I speak as the parent of a child who attacked his 1-1 worker, causing similar injuries, in my case it was arms, she was wearing a short-sleeve top. I still remember the shame & tears as I apologised for what my child had done, even though he doesn't have the capacity to have intent or understand his actions. I was truly mortified that my child had hurt someone who was doing a wonderful job caring for him.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/02/2016 00:56

What exactly is it about the top that the school are saying is inappropriate?

And why?

sashh · 29/02/2016 06:14

What does your risk assessment say?

In light of this incident you probably need another one.

I'm feeling nervous because of an incident last week too (no scratches just shaken)

ArmchairTraveller · 29/02/2016 06:32

' My line manager was supportive but her stance was very much that I had left myself unprotected and I had become too relaxed as my child had become calmer over the last 8 weeks.'

How much training have you had in ASD management?

honkinghaddock · 29/02/2016 06:49

When ds becomes upset he scratches and goes for exposed skin so I never wear anything lower than a crew necked t shirt and I wear long sleeves most of the time. The staff at ds's school are all well covered up because there are quite a few scratchers.

Potatoface2 · 29/02/2016 07:19

its a few scratches from a child....not nice, but not disfiguring and really no ones to blame....its a hazard of your job......i could list much worse injuries for myself and my collegues from working in the NHS....ive been whacked with a metal frame, hit with countless walking sticks, punched by drunks (black eye) and my friend was kicked and had a cracked sternum ....all not nice and totally unavoidable and a hazard of the job (many caused by elderly confused patients)...i dont think this is victim blaming.....its advising you for the future....i would be upset if my child did this to someone, but more upset that you are putting it on social media and making it identifiable to others....what about confidentiality to the child involved.....this would be a disciplinary in my occupation

Ditsy4 · 29/02/2016 07:29

While I don't think it was in any way your fault and I do think she could have phrased it better I personally wouldn't wear that top to school. It does expose quite a lot of flesh and therefore has left you at risk,however, I think that it wasn't something you could predict. Now it has happened you need to rethink your wardrobe to prevent any possibility of a repeat action. Get some calendula cream from chemist /health food shop as it will help them heal quickly.
Did your line manager get you and the other to write a report? We always write up any incident like this (everyone present writes one) and it is filed. Sometimes reflecting on the incident can help pinpoint the trigger. It might well be another child that wound him up.
Sorry it has happened to you and you will feel a bit wary to start with but that will help you to protect yourself. Have you had any training like Team Teach? If not I would be asking for some. You will probably be fine once lesson starts. Any child with SEN can have unpredictable behaviour and often a "calm before the storm" it's never a dull moment working with these kids but most rewarding on the good days. I hope you feel better soon.

Wolpertinger · 29/02/2016 07:31

Those scratches aren't on your neck though are they? It's not like she's asking you to wear a polo neck.

I don't think this is victim blaming either. This is supporting a professional with professional strategies to deal with children who scratch unpredictably.

soapboxqueen · 29/02/2016 07:32

Looking at the photos the scratches seem more on your back than your neck. So potentially a top that came up to your collarbone at the back would have provented some of the injury.

As said before, you need to find out if a particular type of clothing is recommended or expected where you work. It could be that your line manager thinks you have already been told about a specific school policy or plan for this child with regards to clothing for staff. Therefore the fact that you didn't follow it would have caused the reaction you had from your line manager.

If there is such a policy and you weren't told the school need to improve their induction plan.

If there is no such policy then your line manager was wrong to use it as a criticism unless it was meant as a more informative 'this might help in the future' sort of way.

Lweji · 29/02/2016 07:57

Not sure what you want from the school.
It's a child and you know they were prone to violence.
The marks are not on you neck at all. They are on your back.
You might not have considered it a problem before, but it should certainly be a wake up call that you can't relax with the child and you do have to protect more of your skin if you don't want to run the risk of future marks.
Do check informally with your union, but I suspect their opinions won't be that different.

afternoonsun · 29/02/2016 08:59

Potatoface That kind of reply is what can be so unhelpful and unsupportive from some mumsnet users. It's not a competition of who has it worse, who struggles with more! If you deal with violence as part of your job as well you could have a little more sympathy as you obviously know how frightening it can be. Rather than rattling off a list of your own experiences to minimise OPs and criticising OP for asking for advice.

GoblinLittleOwl · 29/02/2016 12:51

You should continue with your complaint, with the support of your union, if only to identify and register the dangers faced when dealing with pupils with special needs. It is not a question of apportioning blame, but of identifying risk.

This pupil attacked you without warning, whilst working one to one; it seems as though his needs would be better catered for in a special unit or school for pupils with mild learning difficulties.

Do NOT blame yourself.

Expecting you to cover your neck to minimise dangers of scratching is nonsense.

Original poster

Bathsheba · 29/02/2016 13:30

Unfortunately Goblin I am blaming myself and from this post it seems to be that on balance many others looking in on the situation are too. I have ordered a couple of neutral/cream scarves that I can wear with most of my tops.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 29/02/2016 13:34

Just out of interest, does your boss always wear polo necks?

ollieplimsoles · 29/02/2016 13:44

Op you have the right to feel upset that you were attacked at work, even though the child has sn and couldn't help it.

Please don't blame yourself, and don't let your work mates blame you either.

SpocksThirdEar · 29/02/2016 13:49

Make sure you wear a hat or something in case the child pulls your hair - that happened to me. Strangely enough no one blamed me for not wearing headgear. And I got bitten on the arm - through my top. I should have worn a suit of armour.

It's natural to feel guilty for not spotting triggers - I know I looked back and analysed obsessively over what happened and how I could have prevented it, but sometimes there is nothing (to us anyway, obviously something has set the child off)

ImperialBlether · 29/02/2016 13:53

But you could see anything as a problem. When the OP says she's going to wear a scarf my first thought was that she could be strangled with it.

BarbarianMum · 29/02/2016 13:54

You are not to blame. This isn't about blame. But I think you are being wise to reappraise how you protect yourself in case of another unexpected incident. That may require changes to clothing.

soapboxqueen · 29/02/2016 14:14

I wouldn't wear a scarf. It's easy to grab and can cause injury.

I wouldn't wear any jewellery even a watch. I wouldn't wear any clothing with superfluous bits like large frills or flouncy bits. I wouldn't wear heels.

You need to think about what could cause injury or make injury towards yourself easier such as things that are easy to grab at, like a scarf.

Original poster

Bathsheba · 29/02/2016 14:36

I'll speak to my boss and see if I can wear a onesie to work...

OP posts:

soapboxqueen · 29/02/2016 14:39

Make sure it's one without a hood

Lweji · 29/02/2016 14:43

I think I asked before, but what did you want the school to do?

It's not clear at all.

Original poster

Bathsheba · 29/02/2016 14:46

Well, I'd ideally like to live in a world where my boy (who I adore) is in a school that is better suited to his needs - however what we were told as soon as he came into the school was "get used to it and learn how to manage him - there are no spaces anywhere so he isn't going anywhere else ever"....

I'd like to be in a position where I'm not left alone with him as I feel very unsupported - there was another TA with me on Friday when the incident happened but I do sometimes feel very isolated.

I'd like to feel that it was taken seriously - it was an assault, it was very painful, it literally took me until Saturday evening to calm down and not feel jittery...

OP posts:

Lweji · 29/02/2016 14:56

So, it happened even with support.

Are you trained in restraining? In dealing with violence?

Your specific injuries could indeed have been lessened by wearing more cover. And please don't keep telling people the injuries are on your neck or about any need for high neck clothes, as it will probably lose you sympathy.

I will give you an example from my work in terms of protection. We are supposed to wear lab coats and to wear shoes that cover our feet.
So, like with other activities, I do think you need to consider what you wear when with this boy.

I'd try and get the line manager on your side with specific suggestions and a risk assessment that you can follow and protects all parties.

Adgefox · 29/02/2016 15:11

Hi - no expert, but just a thought.

Did you file a report on the incident? Most incidents like this are reportable. Some reportable incidents need to be reported as a serious incident. I am not sure where yours would fall as I did not see the pictures, but you really must ensure that this is reported in case the scratches get infected or scar or, heaven forbid, it happens again but with more serious consequences (like a scratch to your eye or a torn ear from a ripped earring).

As I said I have not seen the pictures, but regardless, this must be correctly documented. You cannot blame the child as they have SN but your employers need to take reasonable care of you.

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