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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and smoking

12 replies

PopcornFiend · 28/02/2016 19:32

First Aibu. Sorry if it's long.

DH and I both smoked for years. We both quit when I became pregnant with DD1, but then ended up restarting when she was about 4 months old. Never around her, or in the house.. But I'm sure it had an effect as she had several nasty chest infections (including brief hospital stay for one) between ages of 1-3.

Fast forward to now, and I fell pregnant with DD2 last year. I quit smoking immediately and vowed never to restart. DH found it much harder and didn't manage to fully quit, but by the time I got to 9 months pregnant he had weaned down to just 1 cigarette per week as a "treat". The understanding was as soon as baby here, that was it no more cigarettes.

I thought he was doing well, but gradually became clear he was smoking at work (could smell it on his work jacket and in his car). When I asked him several times he lied each time and said no, until I spelt out how obvious it was, so he admitted it and that he'd lied as didn't want to argue. I relented a bit as I know his job is extremely stressful and a few cigarettes helps him get through the day. But I reiterated I did not want him smoking at home, even outside in the garden, as I don't want the smell/chemicals on his clothes at home. He agreed to this.

Shortly after, I accidentally stumbled across a pack of cigs hidden in his toolbox (I was looking for an Allen key). Confronted him, he lied again, until I made it clear I knew he was keeping cigarettes in the house. Then admitted it and again, sorry I lied just didn't want to get into a fight. But promised he wasn't smoking outside of work. Last weekend he drove to the tip with some rubbish, came home and hung up his coat - not work coat, normal home coat. It STANK of fags so much so that the whole hallway smelled. I confronted and he was adamant he hadn't smoked! He said maybe it was because his car smells of smoke?! I'm sorry but as an ex smoker I know when a coat cuff reeks of cigs it has been smoked in, not just been "around" some old stale smoke.

I realise I'm rambling on, but I suppose the point of this AIBU is I genuinely am not sure if I am being a hideously controlling nag of a wife. I am aware how hypocritical it may seem as I used to smoke too but am now so vehemently anti it. DH has no other vices.. He doesn't drink, gamble, is a great father and husband, does more than his fair share of housework and childcare. Am I being a total bitch trying to get him to drop this one and only vice/pleasure of his? I feel like I'm snooping around, smelling his clothes, but I can't stand it when he lies to me when I know he is lying!!

AIBU?

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 28/02/2016 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubbleBubble00 · 28/02/2016 19:38

Problem is you can have an opionion but you can't control what he does. I'm a wife of a smoker - I can't stand smoke tbh and turns me. Dh has given up before but his stressful job lures him back in. We have rules. He smokes outside, he limits it at weekend ect. Kids don't even know he smokes.

WorraLiberty · 28/02/2016 19:44

This is an addiction, not a 'vice' or a 'pleasure'. Minimising it won't help either of you.

If he really wants to give up, an e.cig should help enormously.

If he doesn't, there's really nothing you can do to force him.

peggyundercrackers · 28/02/2016 19:48

Yanbu if your issues are around his lies - he shouldn't be telling lies about it however if he can't or won't give up what are the consequences for him? Should there be any consequences, he's an adult and can do what he wants surely...

Yabu if your issue is around smoking and the harm it causes, diesel cars cause as much harm as smoking yet everyone seem to ignore this fact, if someone is smoking outside I don't see any issues with it. Yes the smell of smoking may be nasty but there are lots of smells which are just as bad.

Original poster

PopcornFiend · 28/02/2016 20:40

Will discuss e cig idea with him but I don't think he'd go for it. I don't think he really wants to quit. I think this is maybe why I get so het up about it. I feel like, why can't he prioritise the health of his family and himself above his selfish desire to smoke? He had a fiancée back when he was in his early twenties, he quit smoking for her as she wouldn't put up with it, then when they split he started smoking again as a bit of defiance. So why can't he quit for me? I know he lies as he hates arguing/confrontation. I dont know what to do, if I should just leave it and chill out, or if I have cause to be pissed off.

OP posts:

peggyundercrackers · 28/02/2016 20:50

I think you can be fed up about it but I don't think it's fair to say he should give up to prioritise his and his families health because you are trying to guilt him into giving up.

Comparing what he did for a previous girlfriend to what he does for you will never make you feel good - don't go down that road.

IthinkIamsinking · 28/02/2016 20:54

Smokers need to quit for themselves not because they are being guilt tripped. He lied because he knew how you would react. Nagging achieves nothing.
He knows how you feel.... whether that is enough to quit is debatable. Ultimatums don't work long term either.
You need to back off now and let him decide how he wants to proceed.
Smoking is a hideous addiction that cannot be tackled/resolved by someone else making emotive statements along the lines of 'why can't he quit for me'

PortobelloRoad · 28/02/2016 20:56

You knew he smoked when you met him. I don't think it's fair to demand he changes just because you have, he showed his cards.

DH took up vaping last year and he hasn't had a cigarette since, you can get all sorts of different flavors and nicotine strengths and he has weaned down and is at almost zero now. Get him a vaping kit and just ask him to try, he might take to it, my DH sneered but now he loves it.

I've been in this position, I quit and he carried on. It is intensely irritating but ultimately it wasn't up to me.

Well done for quitting!

daffodildaisyyellowblue · 28/02/2016 20:58

I agree with portobello

Lurkedforever1 · 28/02/2016 21:03

If he doesn't want to quit how about him having a specific coat for smoking in outdoors? That stays in the shed or his car boot.

LadyRoseMacClare · 28/02/2016 21:16

Ach, my dh has the odd crafty fag, says he doesn't but there's a difference between being around it at work so getting the smell on your clothes, and it being in your breath iyswim? It's only ever on the way home from work or on a night out (never at home), he'd never do it around the DC but the point remains he tells me he doesn't smoke. It annoyed the hell out of me - I'm not stupid and can tell he does it - but I've got worse things to worry about and other battles to fight. I've given up being bothered now, I've just let it go.

Original poster

PopcornFiend · 28/02/2016 21:25

I appreciate everyone's replies. I suspected I was being a bit unreasonable!

Have discussed idea of e cigs. He isn't against the idea, a few people at work use them he says. But I know him.. He doesn't like change. I don't think he'd persevere with e cigs. We'll see...

I'm just (irrationally) scared about cancer/stroke/all the nasty things that could kill him due to smoking. My mum had a stroke at just 59, she's still alive but a shadow of her former self and my stepfather is a broken man trying to care for her. I can't imagine that happening to DH. Stupid I know when he could be hit by a car tomorrow, 5 cigarettes a day isn't a definite death sentence.

Thanks for all responses, I will get a grip!

OP posts:

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