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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect common courtesy towards my friends and colleagues

47 replies

Evelight · 27/02/2016 15:05

There was a time, not so long ago, that DD, now 13, endeared herself so much to any friends of mine who happened to be visiting, that some would remark "I'm coming to visit her", and would plan outings around her. She was really chatty and sociable etc.

Those days are long gone. Nowadays, when I have visitors, the most I can expect is "hi" before vanishing to her room. yeah yeah I get it moody teenagers etc.

Anyway, yesterday, due to logistics, I had her walk with DS to my workplace after school, hang out there for about 20 min before we all went home together. So she did, and i was talking to a colleague and she literally dragged me away after the 20 min, she was late for swimming, I get it.

As we were walking out of the building, we ran into another colleague whom I've worked closely with last yr and is higher than me in the office hierarchy (though not my boss). She is a super sweet woman, with kids of her own thank g, and she exclaimed at my daughter "what a cutie-pie"to which DD rolled her eyes or something, said something like"hi and bye" and continued walking.
My collegue laughed and called after her "I didn't mean that! you're a mature young lady!" and she turned to my DS (10) and said "I can call you adorable" etc etc

Anyway I was sooooo mortified and I actually e-mailed her later apologizing for DD's grumpiness, to which she responded I never even noticed! and an invite to a work event...

I didn't say much to DD- she is generally a good girl with school work and helping round the house and regular babysitting... I remember I was more or less the same toward my mom's friends / family etc, so I guess it's karma...

OP posts:

Stillunexpected · 27/02/2016 15:56

I felt responsible since my sis and I bitch about my mom all the time, so I felt it was her picking up on our behaviour. - so this really is a case of do as I say, not as I do? How about giving your teenager a good example to follow by not being rude about your own mother in her hearing and by respecting her time commitments above chatting to friends?

Stillunexpected · 27/02/2016 15:57

Ppl don't say cutie-pie in the UK? or cute? - No.

Original poster

Evelight · 27/02/2016 15:58

They use it a lot here, though as I said, I don't particularly like it either.

I remember once on a Westjet flight I was dozing and the (male) flight attendant laughed inpassing and said to me "oh you look so cute and sleepy like that" and I was horrified. But did not roll my eyes! Nor could I walk off! As we were in the sky!

OP posts:

Lottie2611 · 27/02/2016 16:00

People in the uk do say it... Maybe not to 13 yr olds

ToastDemon · 27/02/2016 16:01

I can't believe someone called the poor colleague "abhorrent". For trying to be nice! Okay not the best choice of phrase but wow.
I actually find it quite worrying and saddening that this level of rudeness seems to be expected and accepted by so many people from teenagers now.

Original poster

Evelight · 27/02/2016 16:03

Exactly- I stopped being rude about my mom in DD's hearing. Once I saw it was affecting her behaviour to her. That is what I said I did, in a convoluted way.

ppl NEVER say something is cute in the UK? Now I feel tempted to google UK newspapers (or even this site) to see if that is true.

Must.Not.Google.Cute.On.British.Sites.

she was not late for swimming. Everything was in time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Evelight · 27/02/2016 16:10

Some more contextual info here: she swims five times a week, and she takes it very seriously, so I mostly plan my week night activities around her swimming. This was a particular workplace event- not something routine every Friday, so EVEN IF SHE HAD BEEN 10 min late or somenthing (and she wasn't! I was very aware of the time, as I always have to be!) it wouldn't have been unforgiveable, as far as I'm concerned.

OP posts:

Lanark2 · 27/02/2016 16:11

That sort of judgemental overbearing crap said to me meant that I now hardly ever speak to my parents - I'm only a reflection of your constant betlttling and bubble popping. If a teenager thinks they are only there to make you look good, guess what, you have just told them your weakness. How about their appropriate response 'if I feel comfortable emotionally generous and friendly THAT is a reflection of good parenting. If I feel belittled, told off, only there to make you look good, but condemned anyway, then yes, my silence and hatred of the situation IS a reflection of you and your miserable parenting.

Lanark2 · 27/02/2016 16:12

Meant for Sargentmajormummy!!

Original poster

Evelight · 27/02/2016 16:16

Lanark- simmer down, nobody told anybody off, nobody belittled anybody, nobody sed their children to "look good", whatever that means. You seem to have had a very miserable childhood, but that is not what was going on in this little social situation I am describing.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/02/2016 16:21

Where in Canada? We're on Vancouver Island! Cutie would be normal here! I just told a teen she had cute hair. She didn't roll her eyes! And it was at her DMs workplace!

Theimpossiblegirl · 27/02/2016 16:26

I use cute (UK) and my teen DDs are 13 and 14. Cute can describe an outfit or a look as well as a person- so 'you look cute' or 'that's a cute top' rather than 'you are a cutie-pie'. But if someone called them a cutie-pie, they would be expected to accept it as the compliment it was.

Sgtmajormummy · 27/02/2016 16:41

Sorry you feel that way, Lanark2.
I can assure you it's a very rare occasion I say something like that and I have an excellent relationship with my children.
I'm also regularly complimented on how easily they cope in different social situations.

Original poster

Evelight · 27/02/2016 16:53

MrsTP: Nova Scotia here, the other end.

"Cute" is overused, IMO- I spent a lot of my childhood in Yorkshire and I don't recall ppl using it so much, if at all - "lovely" or "pretty"?

Come to think of it, I prefer the word "lovely", and would sign a petition to have it replace "cute".

i can't say I've heard "cutie-pie" with any regularity!

OP posts:

Original poster

Evelight · 27/02/2016 16:59

OK, I gave in to the temptation and googled it- here on this site, "cute" is used 91,000 times, so we certainly can't say with any conviction that "people don't say cute in the UK".

"pretty" is used 396,000 times, so it would be acceptable to say that assuming they mean roughly the same sort of thing, ppl in the UK would most likely say "pretty" rather than "cute".

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 27/02/2016 17:37

OP, you do know that non-UK people post on Mumsnet, don't you? Like you (and me)

Canyouforgiveher · 27/02/2016 18:34

Even as old as 13 I would tell my children my expectations in this situation. So I would say "sorry about this but you will need to wait for me for 20 minutes at work. Can you bring a book. Also if we meet work colleagues, I'll probably introduce you so remember to shake hands, look them in the eye and say something back to them if they speak to you." mostly my kids would say in response "of course I KNOW that" possibly with an eye roll.

I would not be impressed with my 13 year old being rude to a colleague of mine (although if I was the colleague I wouldn't really pay any attention) and I don't think being a teen is an excuse for not having minimal manners when out and about. So in the case of the OP I would say to my dd "that was rude. please don't do it again".

wouldn't bother about anything about reflecting on me etc. That is not why I teach my kids this stuff- it is so they can grow up to be polite people in society who know how to behave courteously to others.

I have 3 teens older than 13 btw.

BipBippadotta · 28/02/2016 12:18

I agree about not telling children to behave because of how it reflects on the parents. This strategy relies on your children being as invested in the preservation of your good name as you are, which they're generally not. My mother used this one on me all the time and it just made me think 'why's everything always about you and what people think of you?' Straightforward telling me off without guilt trips always worked best. And I grew up to be very well-mannered .

nocoolnamesleft · 28/02/2016 12:35

Cutie-pie is not really appropriate for a 13 yr old. To start with, it's sexixt. They would never have used that term about a 14 yr old boy, after all. So we're teaching teenage girls that they have to be polite and accepting of demeaningly sexist comments? Actually, I'm with the OP's daughter. They should probably be congratulated on their good manners for not having done a lot worse than eye rolling!

Lightbulbon · 28/02/2016 12:39

Welcome to parenting teens!

I wouldn't inflict my teen on any friends/colleagues.

BillBrysonsBeard · 28/02/2016 12:51

Teens can be horrrible but there is no excuse for her doing this around your colleagues. They still have self control! Me and my mum had the odd argument as you do at that age but I knew there was a time and a place, and that was never in front of anyone else.

dotdotdotmustdash · 28/02/2016 13:13

I have older teens, one boy and one girl. I would never have tolerated any rudeness to other adults and I don't remember ever having to pull them up for it. That was certainly a boundary that they didn't cross, even my ASD DS. I have had, and to a certain extent, expect some frustration and impatience from them towards me and my DH, but we both clearly tell them to remember who they're talking to when it happens and it stops there. Being 13 is not an excuse for forgetting social skills and manners.

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