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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DD should have friends?

26 replies

busymum17 · 27/02/2016 07:19

DD is in her final year of high school, aged 17.
She has plenty of friends at school and several who I think consider her to be among their best friends.
However, she often says she doesn't want to stay friends with them after they graduate, they don't have much in common etc...
She's said this pretty much since she met them when she started her current school.

She also does several youth group type activities through which she meets loads of people her age, and yet she says similar things about these people.

She doesn't dislike them, she is very nice to them as far as I'm aware, she's definitely not lying about having plenty of friends at school. She just seems so indifferent towards them. She will get invited out on weekends but will almost invariably decline. She's never really had any friends who she's said she really likes or who she wants to keep in touch with.

AIBU to think this isn't normal?

OP posts:

aprilshowers2016 · 27/02/2016 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NattyTile · 27/02/2016 07:28

Is she happy? Then don't worry about it. She's found people she can pass time with, she's clearly socially adept, but she simply hasn't found anyone yet who she clicks with at a deeper level.

She's going to uni, yes? Where she will have a much wider group of people to get to know and shake down with.

If she's angsty about it, that's a bit different. But it's perfectly normal to be able to be friendly, very friendly, without actually swearing eternal friendship.

Quite possibly she's more mature than most teens her age, or has a slightly different outlook pn life, and needs to find her own niche.

Different if you think she's depressed, and seeing herself as sort of dislocated from everyone else.

Bellygirl · 27/02/2016 07:30

I think you just drift apart from school friends as you get older, once you start college/uni/jobs you all start living different lives I guess. I'm not friends with anyone I was in school with now so I think that it is normal.

MrsH1989 · 27/02/2016 07:52

I am in occasional contact with only 2 people from high school despite having a large friendships group whilst attending. I only have 2 friends from college I meet with regularly and facebook aside am in contact with noone from uni.
I am a very sociable person, not at all shy. I wouldn't worry.

ForalltheSaints · 27/02/2016 07:55

Sounds to me an honest reflection of what will happen, and as long as your DD makes friends at uni or in whatever job she does, it is a non-issue to me.

maydancer · 27/02/2016 07:58

Yabu She knows school is the only thing they have in common.my mum is the sort of person who never let's anyone go - still exchanging xnas cards with a couple they met on his holiday in 74 and haven't seen since.what is the point?

sportinguista · 27/02/2016 08:02

I never stayed in touch with anyone from school or college, we were all going different places. I made too many new friends to bother with many people from way back. Did keep vaguely in touch with one school mate for a while but not seen her for years now. Have new friends now that I didn't know at uni even. Things change throughout life...

Levatrice · 27/02/2016 08:10

I think its great she has a realistic and mature outlook like this, too many people stay friends with school friends for the sake of it (myself included for a while) . This will save so much wasted time for her in the future

CaptainCrunch · 27/02/2016 09:01

My DD was exactly the same. She blocked and deleted everyone from school the minute she left as she felt they weren't really "friends", just people she knew through geographical convenience. She's now at uni and has a great social life with people she considers real friends. Your DD sounds really switched on, leave her alone, she's doing great.

mrsfuzzy · 27/02/2016 09:10

i don't have friends but it doesn't bother me as i do my own thing with dh. ime some friends can be a good thing, but not the be all and end all. it can work well.

BartholinsSister · 27/02/2016 09:12

Not everyone needs friends.

Deletetheheat · 27/02/2016 09:15

I think she sounds like she knows her own mind. As long as she's happy and confident in that decision, I really wouldn't push her on it.

I didn't stay in contact with one person from university, even though I had a big group of friends. I just knew deep down they were not like minded people and I didn't want to keep up the pretence. I actually have lots of friends from school I'm still in regular contact with but that's irrelevant!

Your daughter is her own person with her own feelings and choices.

Birdsgottafly · 27/02/2016 09:27

I'd say "well done to your DD", for realising that they happen to share a building to be educated in and have to get along, but if real friendship isn't there, then that's ok.

That carries over into working life.

The toughest part with two of my DDs was between 13-15 and part of that was trying to make them not make decisions that would make them popular with girls that, in their 30's, they wouldn't know, rather than making good life long decisions.

She isn't craving company, or behaving like a sheep. I think the need for friendship/popularity holds many teen and young women back.

Let your DD make her own path.

mrsfuzzy · 27/02/2016 09:49

bird is right it's like a confirming thing, having lots of 'friends' to make up the numbers is daft, better to have one through thick and thin.

mrsfuzzy · 27/02/2016 09:50

conforming

dangerrabbit · 27/02/2016 10:00

Your daughter sounds mature and sensible. Hopefully she will meet some people she really clicks with at uni and work.

blackcatwhitewhiskers · 27/02/2016 10:03

I'm not sure it is normal.

If she'd just started saying it, I'd think it was a sort of 'ooh, had enough of school/people' sense but since she was 11?

It sounds (and I'm not saying she is :)) as if she perceives herself to be better than them in some way.

It could possibly be instinctively not wanting people to be too close to her, perhaps? Not sure.

cinnamonorange · 27/02/2016 10:14

It's OK, not everyone needs lifelong friends. I was just like your DD, I got on with people that I happened to spend time with in school and elsewhere, but they weren't my 'friends'. I went through uni that way and I'm still the same now. I just don't feel the need to be particularly close to anyone - it makes me feel a bit trapped. Your DD sounds pretty self-aware. Better that than doing anything just to fit in.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 27/02/2016 10:24

I think it does great harm if we start to think of children as 'not normal'. The world is full of diverse people - some have/need lots of friends, some a few and some people are very self contained. If she is content in life leave her be, the more confident you feel in her, the more confidence she will have in herself.

dontcallmecis · 27/02/2016 10:29

Lots of people don't find 'their people' until university. Or after high school.

eddielizzard · 27/02/2016 10:30

fine. doesn't sound like they're her 'people'. she will find them. i felt the same and am not friends with people from school.

blackcatwhitewhiskers · 27/02/2016 10:31

Agreed, but it sounds here as if she's been mixing in many different circles and has decided none of them are 'her people.'

cuntycowfacemonkey · 27/02/2016 10:32

Friends for a reason, friends for a season and all that

susiesuesue · 27/02/2016 10:37

As long as she's happy then it doesn't matter whether it fits with your idea of normal or not. I was like this as a teenager and my DM made a big thing out of me having to make friends, to the point where i would lie to her that i was meeting X when i actually i was just going to mooch round the shops on my own.

SuperFlyHigh · 27/02/2016 10:44

I personally (see my other heated thread!) think you have friends for a reason, season, party friends etc

Maybe there are one or two school friends who she sees on a superficial level and doesn't get on another level it may be a shame she dismisses them so easily now as they're about to part ways... But that's the way life goes.

I recall leaving school other friends going to uni, meeting them whilst they were on leave from uni and though there was stuff to talk about I'd started a job etc. other friends were young mothers etc. all of that is quite devisive.

Leave her to do what she wants.

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