To say I'm not discussing this!

[etinocadoego]

Several months ago we were invited to relatives for lunch. Rather boringly, as we're pretty opposite politically, the conversation descended into real bear baiting. I kept my head down as a) no one ever changed anyone's opinion over Sunday lunch and b) I find the host's wife (my sil) very difficult and genuinely dislike her opinions. Eventually I made a very mild comment, something along the lines of bigger picture, taxes benefitting everyone. She'd obviously had enough and was waiting for me to pipe up because she went ape. Inches from my face, how fucking dare you, scrounging scum (about other people, not me!) fucking lowlife, an absolutely petrifying tirade which went on for minutes and left me really shaken.
Meh. She's always been difficult and I keep my distance. I've decided I won't go there again. When we invite the family to us she never comes anyway so although the incident was horrid it doesn't impact on my life.
This weekend we are seeing other in laws who were also there on that day and while arranging it stepmil mentioned that she'd been specifically invited by sil last weekend, fil often goes but when she'd gone over sil had gone out for a beauty treatment, 'deary me what is she like!?'
So my aibu is this:
Aibu to not want sil's toxic behaviour to be retold as a funny anecdote? I'm frothing that stepmil, wound her up (she's politically engaged in that she delivers leaflets and attends meetings, whereas as I'm not massively interested in party politics but work in the front line) and the whole fallout seems to have left only me really upset. I know that stepmil will want to chew it all over over lunch whereas I want to either not discuss it or let her know that I found the whole incident traumatising and feel undermined by her readiness to accept sil's behaviour.

Your sister in law sounds like a very unhappy person, with little understanding of how the world works.

You do have to be prepared to communicate if you want how issues effect you to change, you do have to explain to people until they understand if you want them to act with relevant information.

If the relationships are important to you, explain to people concerned, write an email, phone them, but don't expect them to guess how you feel accurately .

Bump!
I'll repay advice with some jaw dropping stories about sil!

I would just politely say I don't want to discuss it. As said, if you want the situation to change, you will have to qualify this by saying you were hurt that her behaviour was condoned and no one intervened.

If not just brush over it and change the subject.

Well, now you have offered, I may match you, horror story for horror story. Poisonous SIL hasn't had an outing recently

Seriously, tell stepMIL that you can't bring yourself to talk about it, something like

Oh, let's not drag all that up. SIL is who she is, and I found it all very unsettling and unnecessary!

That way you tell her both, no thanks and that you didn't like it.

Aw thanks Quote
We've all known each other for 20+ years and sil has always been very difficult, regularly banning people from her home, being escorted off planes, 'friendly' chats from the police about threatening children tbf that might not be true but was rumoured when the dcs were at the same school- happy days
As sil is so notorious the non related extended family keep their distance and just facilitate relationships between her husband and his dad and brother and the cousins. It just feels rawly upsetting that there's been no acknowledgement of the personal attack and that it's no being redrawn as 'what's she like? Tut'
A sensible conversation with stepmil would be the way forward but everything gets Chinese whispered and will turn into Ocado is making me pick sides.

Just say "She was bang out of order. I don't want to discuss it as it'll get me wound up again".

Did no-one, not even your DH say anything to her when she was going ape, inches from your face?

I'm struck but why you didn't focus on her behaviour and instead everyone focused on what she was saying.

I have called both my BIL and SIL out on the delivery of their messages before - saying very loudly 'it's NOT ok for you to shout and swear at me or loom over me'. Or more mildly 'why are you speaking so hostilely to me'

Just refuse to engage with her if she delivers her message in an aggressive tone

But say why

Why didn't you walk out when she was talking to you like that? If you stay, it's easier for everyone to minimise it. You need to just get up and say you're not going to be talked to like that and go. Your SIL sounds as though she's got a screw loose!

Great advice. 'I don't want to talk about it, I'm still very upset'
As promised the racist parasiteanecdotes. Doesn't parent her dcs, both are miserable at bs and she goes away in the holidays. I was at their house once for trick or treating and she told dozens of mutual friends that another friend had had a breakdown and was made bankrupt (technically untrue)
She Facebook messages my dcs to find out if they know particular children and any dirt on them as she's fallen out with them or their parents and, not goss but revealing of her narcicism (details changed) when my dd got into the Royal Ballet School said her dd had failed a ballet exam because their teacher (the same one my dd had) was rubbish.
Phew that's cathartic. And she's thick. She got into a frothing rage once when I laughed because she was adamant that Hamish is a Jewish name.

Worra I don't know what to say about DH and his pusillanimousness not standing up for me then. I gave him hell for days after though. It's made harder as his dad was also there and they've all put up with it for ever. Poor codependent bil is lovely and I think having warned him she was unstable before marriage they want to keep ties for him and the poor bloody kids.

My brother is like this. He shouted in my face on Christmas Day when I'd not long come home from hospital after a c section was holding my newborn DS.

Imperial I really hate myself for not leaving but another of my dcs was there but not in the room and another was at the table and get this I didn't want to add fuel to the flames.

It is perfectly reasonable to say that you find her behaviour upsetting and you do not want to talk about her.

oh Armani that's much worse than this. At least she's not related my parents can be 100% team me.

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Your sister in law sounds like a very unhappy person, with little understanding of how the world works.
Yep. And because they're very rich, (through bil, she's never worked) she's completely insulated from everyone who might stand up to her.
Piss off school, send them to another one, be within inches of an asbo? Move house. Stressed by flying? Fly first class.
Her specific ranting was about having to be served alongside 'fucking skanks collecting their benefits which is my money because bleeding heart bitches like you support scroungers'

Did no-one, not even your DH say anything to her when she was going ape, inches from your face?

Just because it is a female doesn't mean that males aren't scared when shit like this happens.

wow. What a pleasant.. and bitter person!

I think you're porbably best off having as little to do with her as possible op.

I suspect that everyone is so used to her behaviour that no one feels it's even worth fighting against it/noticing it. Or feel that making an issue of the way she talked to you will put some oil on the fire and make things worse.

The 'I don't want to talk about it. I'm still upset/shaken by it.' is a good answer.

Just had a blazing row with DH- he was there last weekend when stepmil was invited and sil went out. So he's still being a guest in their house and not mentioning other family being there because 'it'd just upset you'
Fuck 'em. Having invited stepmil and fil maybe I'll go out. I'm certainly not going to hold back on a) how upset I still am and b) how disloyal they were and still are being to socialise with her.

Just giving this name an outing on another thread and thought I'd update. It's got much worse.
Various elderly relatives are ill/ bereaved/ very needy so we've been pushed together. Fortunately the first time was literally in a crisis and I was magnificent- I ambushed sil and bil with hugs and then kept busy and away. Because it's not been about her she's really upped her game- sending texts berating the rest of the family for our rudeness and ingratitude and stating she considers us not family. Here's hoping.