to want DP and I to set a date for the wedding?

[ciabattav0nbreadstickz]

DP and I got engaged on NYE, so long too long ago.

I really want to start talking about the wedding and what we want, making plans, setting a date etc.

DP seems very reluctant to have any converstations about it and its starting to bug me a bit. FWIW, I'm thinking about setting a date for 2018 so a few years away to give us time to save up and plan etc.

I guess I just want to be able to start saving for things we need or maybe even paying some of the stuff off in instalments so we don't have a massive bill right near the end but I can't book anything or even look as DP doesn't want to talk about it yet.

He's said he wants to leave it a little while as we only just got engaged really, which I can understand but with wedding stuff costing so much money (venues etc) I think it makes more sense to start talking about it now and trying to plan even a rough budget so we know how much we will need.

What I'm worried about it that either a) years and years will go by and DP just won't be that bothered about getting married and it will never actually materialise or b) that we'll decided a date but then won't have enough time to save the money we need.

I do think that the fact I'm not yet divorced from exH is an issue for DP although he hasn't outright said it. I'm in the process of applying for divorce, set the papers off but unfortunately had them sent back as there was one box I hadn't filled it . I understand why this would be an issue for him but our divorce will be very very straightforward, there are no solicitors involved, it won't be contested and there are no financial or childcare arrangements to worry about so it is just a case of the judge approving the forms and waiting the necessary time period to get the decree absolute. Aibu to think that the whole process shouldn't take any longer than a year so why can't we book a date for a few years time and start planning?

Then make sure that he knows that you only want a modest wedding. And that he'd only have to stump up 2.5K for his share.

That might make him relax a bit.

And the dream honeymoon doesn't have to immediately follow the wedding. You can save up for it after the wedding, if need be.

Good luck with it.

I think a lot of men just get engaged because it's easy to do with no actual commitment and they have no intention to marry, or they don't have any intention to marry for another 5 years which is a bit pointless really.

I reckon if it was up to men, most wouldn't want to get married. I think they do it due to pressure from their partner/family and society. It does tend to be the women that wants it more than the man, and even nags and drops hints all the time. I just hate that men have most of the control over the situation. They know that most women want to get married, but they enjoy dangling a carrot and using it to control them/be in control.

Or maybe I'm just a cynical bastard.

DrSeth, no I haven't, as I said, nothing has been decided yet it's just the year I would prefer. She (DP's ex) announced their wedding date on fb after DP and I got engaged so I actually had that year in mind first. It doesn't matter either way, I don't mind in the slightest that they want to get married in the same year as us (or we might do), the date she wants to get married and the date we might get married would be months apart anyway (ie, she wants the winter I want the summer).

I know what you mean Flowers and in some cases I agree that the men do it because they think it shows they are more commited to the relationship but they never have any intention of getting married. I know several couples where this has been the case.

I don't think that is true in mine and DP's case though, after exH and I split I was quite adamant that I didn't want to get married again. It was DP that brought it up and changed my mind

Yanbu for wanting to talk about it! I can't understand men that propose then don't want anything to do with it. But then I don't understand couples who become engaged with no intention of marrying.

Your divorce may have a lot to do with it but knowing that why did he propose?

I mean this nicely. IMO you are engaged because your fiance wanted to show that he is committed to your relationship. You need to demonstrate the same by getting your divorce sorted.

By all means start planning your wedding you will probably do most of it anyway

Perhaps he thought that getting engaged would encourage you to take some positive action with regard to your divorce, especially as you say you hadn't actually started the process when you got engaged. Now that you have established that marriage is on the horizon and the divorce is on the way, it makes sense to have some time when you aren't married to anyone before committing to your new partner.
I hope you haven't mentioned the situation with your partner's ex to him - I know you already said YABU about that, but I cannot think of a worse reason for doing anything than keeping up with them.

I think some men just aren't interested in the fluffy stuff, like colours, flowers, bridesmaids etc. My DH turns off at anything like this and definitely wouldn't ever be 'excited'.

Bulldog - There is no law that a man must start to plan a wedding within two months of proposing

Obviously.

My point is, his timing was all wrong. If it was that important to him to wait until the divorce is final, why ask her before the divorce is final? Its only natural OP is going to want to get excited about the planning and it sounds as though he's pissing on her bonfire.

Anyway, congratulations, OP

Your wedding is two years away, I would be sick to death if I discussed this for two years. Why not enjoy being engaged before starting all this planning, you have plenty of time. You can start saving in the mean while and discuss it later on. It's only two months, you need to calm down . Your dp has a good reason for feeling awkward about you still being married . As pp suggested, maybe put your efforts into sorting out the divorce and then start the wedding discussion on a clean slate.

I can see both sides.

I think he proposed to demonstrate his commitment and possibly I. The hope it would move the divorce further along.

Your desire to hurry up and get it booked doesn't trump his desire not to.

You need to talk about why you are so desperate to start booking everything and why he is ok with waiting. Then compromise.

Why have you got divorced yet? What's holding it up?

getting engaged is showing commitment and intent.

To most, yes. I think to some blokes, it's the human equivalent of a dog peeing up a lamp-post - i.e. branding something as theirs.

You definitely need to get the divorce sorted first.
Have you had a conversation with him about the type of wedding he wants?
There is something about the idea of a wedding that needs over 2 years of planning and saving that sounds slightly terrifying to me! Maybe he doesn't want the wedding plans to take over his life for the next couple of years and would prefer something that is easily arranged and paid for in a few months.

To my mind 'being engaged' is the period between you deciding to get married, and the wedding. It's not a "thing" in itself.

However, although I will no doubt get shouted down as being sexist as that's what happens a lot on MN IME, very few men are that interested in the day itself, and the details of that. "Being married" is very different from "planning the wedding" - my dh couldn't have cared less about the colours or choice of hymns/readings, or the guest list, or the timings, or 1001 other details. You need to talk to him about what he would like to do (in general terms) for the day itself, and then ask him if he wants to be involved in all the planning, or if he'd rather not. You will then find out a bit more about why he doesn't want to think about it - is it the thought of "the day" that's worrying him, or doesn't he still want to 'be married'.

If you have a small wedding two years away in mind, then there is nothing to discuss right now. A year before the wedding, book a venue. It's a small, modest wedding with 50 people, not a royal event requiring years of meticulous planning. If you want to start saving for it, then do so, but to spend two years planning a second wedding is odd. You say it's because it's his first wedding? Then let him plan it the way he wants to.

But seriously, it is extraordinary that you are so casual about your divorce, and yet surprised that he doesn't want to discuss your (very distant, very small) wedding right away.

I seriously doubt that our wedding will take 2 years to plan, if I had all the money to pay for deposits etc I could probably have everything booked in a month! I don't anticipate the planning stage being overly stressful, we're not going to have huge floral displays or an elaborate cake and so on and so forth.

I am currently on a course of study and DP wants to wait until after I finish to get married, which I think is sensible. I have no idea what my job situation will be when I finish so I wanted to start saving now as I'm worried that if we wait until after I finish studying to start saving we will only have a year to save and it might not be long enough.

Believe me, I'm not casual about the divorce, I have been trying to sort it over 2 years but have had a lot of hassle with exH refusing to agree and finances to pay for it etc etc. I would have had it sorted a year ago if I could but now things have settled a bit. I was planning to do it this year anyway but the engagement has definitely made me speed things up. Its just unfortunate that I didn't quite get the form right the first time or it would be further along but that has now been rectified and now it won't be much longer before its done.