am I? I really sweat the small stuff. but it MATTERS!

[Givemecoffeeplease]

My DH and I always argue over the same thing - keeping the house organised, clean and tidy. He points out that in the grand scheme of things it's not important for the Tupperware to be organised, the cupboards to be tidy, washing to be away and the laundry under control. Now in a way he is right. It doesn't change the functioning of the world - but I'm on mat leave and not really in a position to cure malaria / ease world debt etc. It matters to me!!

For some reason I NEED the house to be tidy. I can't relax til it is. And I would like his help keeping it that way. How can I explain this to him without it seeing petty and inconsequential?

Full disclosure, our house isn't a hovel, it's always fairly presentable, so I'm looking for it to be tidier than average I guess. Aibu to think it matters and to ask for his help? He's a good guy and an amazing dad - he just doesn't care about the state of the house! And I'd like him to strive for my standards, but I'm aware that he does pull his weight and this is not about him not doing his share - it's just that our standards differ.

Thanks MN jury.

For some reason I NEED the house to be tidy. I can't relax til it is

As I have just said on another thread, you need to look into why that is. Especially as the house, by your account, is already and consistently pretty tidy. What messages have you internalised about your worth as a human being equating to the tidiness of your house, and not just to it being tidy, but it being 'tidier than average'? Are you bored and/or anxious on maternity leave? Are you spending too much time indoors? Why is the Tupperware (which is presumably invisible inside a cupoard?) weighing on your mind???

YABU. But I think HereWeAre above might be right re anxiety. Your need for tidiness sounds quite compulsive.

So if it's anxiety, what can I do / do I need to do? I don't feel it's GP worthy as its so ridiculous. But I'm happy to do some work to help it. Just don't know how.

Well they're probably aware that anxiety manifests in many ways! I was like this after having my third baby, it was horrible because DH is really laidback about the way the house looks but I had to have everything perfect. It did me no favours.

It might be worth having a chat to your HV about it. They're there to listen to mothers of small children and the worries they have. The HV could then recommend self-help strategies (there are some great websites) or let you know if she thinks you might benefit from more formal help from the GP.

It could be that you have a touch of PND manifesting as anxiety/obsessive compulsions at present. You will be wasting nobody's time if you go and find out.

On a practical level, I think it's completely reasonable to expect (not ask) your husband to do his fair share of keeping the house to his own standards, and to support you emotionally, even if he thinks the front door knob doesn't need daily polishing. I do think the additional cleaning probably is more your responsibility than his.

So for example, he could pick up the toys and chuck them in the toy box, for you to alphabetise later on (deliberately exaggerating). Or he could wipe down the work surfaces with a soapy cloth, and you'd antibac them. But he shouldn't have to do the antibaccing, and you shouldn't have to put every single plate in the dishwasher.

OP I'm with you.

I work p-t from home in a very rural, remote area so I see these four walls a hell of a lot whilst DH is out at work. It matters to me because this is the one thing I have control over right now.

DH is out of the house for a good 13 hours 6 days a week, so he's just happy with a house that you can see the floor and doesn't smell.

I do pick my battles but sometimes it gets too much for me. I do have anxiety and found CBT useful at keeping it manageable.

I think it's something you need to consider carefully. Only you and your husband will know if your For some reason I NEED the house to be tidy. I can't relax til it is. is a bit of an exaggeration or if you are really hyper about the whole thing in the manner of the OCD folk on the C4 show about OCD people brought in to clean the homes of hoarders?

I really hate clutter, paperwork, toys strewn about etc etc. I also find it difficult to relax and it stresses me out to see it at the end of a working day.
BUT. When I was growing up one of my parents used to come home from work and go off the deep end about the same stuff. Shouting and roaring and binning stuff. It was miserable and we would actively make ourselves scarce and panic to get the place clear when we heard the car in the drive.

Figure out what's reasonable to control your stress without making your family and children miserable. DH has gradually appreciated that making an effort in a couple of small areas allows me to be more rational about the others.

believe there's some research that says that living in a house that is not as tidy and well-organised as you would like it can have implications for your mental health and cause depression

I think I remember it. It turned out that it was paid for by a company that sold shelving and storage systems.

You can look at your past experiences and analyse why you feel the need for some level of control. What was your childhood like? Have you suffered trauma?

After you have thought about this you can look at your current life. What would you like to make you feel safer/more stable? Watch out for triggers - situations that make you feel you lose some control. Take a moment when you start to feel stressed and tell yourself it is alright, you will cope.

Therapy is a good option to investigate these things and reduce your anxiety levels. You on't have to be climbing the walls to benefit from selfhelp and therapy.

I had "ishhoos" - raging, shouting mother who could turn violent if jobs weren't done so my anxiety stemmed from there. If things were perfect no-one would shout. Plus an undiagnosed underactive thyroid - which caused me waves of utter tiredness and then waves of anxiety.

If you feel panicy about the mess and frantic to tidy it - that is when you need to start questioning it. When all you are doing is chores and baby stuff - with zero you time/relaxation time - that is when you need to start questioning it. When you get upset/teary/heart racing/angry when it is not tidy - that is when you need to start questioning it. If the need to be in a tidy /sorted/laundry free house means you never, ever sit down with a cup of tea - ditto. Likewise - if you find yourself thinking you have "failed" or "not done enough" or re thinking things are not "perfect".

If any of these start to sound familiar maybe start writing down how you are feeling over a few days - just to get stuff concrete in your mind. If then you do think it is more than different standards (and it may well be) I personally would:

1. Talk with your DH. Say you don't need solutions immediately, but just that you want him to know what is going on in your head. Say you are finding some stuff a bit tough emotionally and explain some of your feelings.
2. Get a hug
3. See if you can work out a plan of action. Agree (and write down with him) what is a realistic, acceptable standard of the home
4. Get yourself some mantras "Good enough is actually good enough" "Nothing is perfect" "It can wait to tomorrow" "Noone is going to judge me/my house/the tidiness - and if they do "meh" it says more about them than me". For me, mine was "I am not my mother. My Mother is not here. No-one will shout".
5. Try some relaxation/mindfulness techniques to remind yourself how to relax (there are web/phone based apps - Headspace is one.
6. Get some you time - get your DH to agree to this - and to encourage (push you out of the house to do it) you to actually get it. Whether an old hobby, catching up with friends sans DC.
7. Talk to your HV - if you have a good relationship he/she may well be able to offer you some support. Mine offered me several sessions of "talking therapy"

This may all be academic - starting this thread may well just be that you have different standards from your DH and this has helped you see you cannot then expect him to do over and above what is acceptable. And that may relax/park the issue.

Whatever happens, cuddle your baby, take some time for you and remember - no-one else really cares about the small stuff - it really will be OK if the tupperware is not neatly stacked

potters bar you speak sense. Wish there was a like button on here!