AIBU to think you should thank the person who made the effort?

[backfromlurking]

Ahhh! Ok - so not a huge dilemma or problem but my word it infuriates me!

We all know the person within certain couples who buys the presents, cards etc therefore shouldn't you thank that person rather than the partner who is more 'silent' in the process?

It drives me crazy that I can even write the cards - yet my other half gets all the thanks and doesn't pass it on unless I ask 'did so and so like their gift/card'

Or is it just me? I love my brother dearly but he's crap at presents etc and I am fully aware that my sister in law is the thinker, purchaser and sender of all our lovely gifts. Of course I make sure I thank them both as it's a joint gift - but she's fully aware I know it's her hard work. I wouldn't just thank my brother for something she's made such a big effort in.

I'm now taking it as a bit of an intended insult when I am excluded from any thanks. Just annoys me and I wonder why I bother sometimes!

Well some say you dont but cards/gifts for the thanks so it shouldnt matter. those people are wrong

I personally wouldnt buy anything else for someone who didnt thank me for them.

Don't do it. It's invariably women selflessly toiling while men take the credit (yes, I'm looking at you, Santa). Even in those families where the woman's birthday, Mother's Day and so on are ignored.

I will buy for SIL. She is gracious, kind and lovely. FIL not so much and DH sorts him out.

I know where you're coming from, but what sort of person are you complaining about?

• if they are a "silent partner" they are habituated to not notice or care about such things
• if they are a "busy bee" who does all this stuff in their relationship, maybe they do it on behalf of both of them and don't think the thanking needs to be separated
• if they are in a relationship where things are split more fairly, perhaps they assumed your family works the same.

You know who to thank out of your brother and SIL, but not everyone will necessarily have the same level of insight into your family's way of doing things. Possibly because they can't be bothered to find out, admittedly. It's your partner who should be correcting them: "glad you liked it but the credit is all Backfrom's I'm afraid." We've been doing that for years, but people are still convinced I am responsible for all the gift buying. Frankly I find it a bit sexist.

People always thank me instead of dh. Except he sorts out the gifts for his family. All of them.

If it's really bothering you, stop doing it.

We share it, I do my family and Dp does his. Works out easier.

It's invariably women selflessly toiling while men take the credit (yes, I'm looking at you, Santa).

I try to hand over gifts myself when possible because it's so soulless to never see the gift being opened and for some of our family you would never get a word of thanks unless you were there as the gift was received and not always then.

YABU, if you're not there when he hands it over, or if your husband rings/messages them to say 'Happy Birthday' I think it's ok to say thank you to the person you're talking to assuming it was also bought on their behalf.

I never thank my brother directly as I don't communicate with him at all, only his girlfriend. Even though she hasn't picked it etc I will let her know how much I love it and hope she tells him.

What really fucking gets my goat is when I go to a lot of effort to get very nice presents and my parents without fail will say thank you then look pointedly at my DH and thank him for providing the money to pay for it