To send DH while I stay at home.

[Finallyonboard]

Bit of background; my SIL and PIL are lovely, kind people who would do anything for anyone. Genuinely lovely. However, my SIL tends to organise big outings/ events to coincide with mine.

For example, she booked her wedding dress shopping weekend for the day after I had my first DC (date known in advance due to CS) and understandably, MIL had to delay seeing DD until dress weekend was over.

SIL booked her housewarming for the day of my graduation so we were all rushing from one event to the next.

She's not a bad person and I do, genuinely think that she doesn't do this on purpose.

So, my current dilemma. We have been TTC our second DC for years, but haven't been successful. We recently shared that we're having IVF in the hope if conceiving number two. If the first shot is successful (good chance it won't be, to be fair) the baby would be born around the date of my DD's birthday. We've all been laughing about this a few weeks later, my SIL (who hasn't got married in the last 5 years despite having the dress ) has not booked her wedding to coincide with a date that either first IVF baby would be born or we'd possibly be going through more IVF. She's getting married abroad so we need to book ASAP.

So, AIBU to send my DH alone (my DD will stay at home with me due to the faff) as I can't guarantee I'll be able to go due to possible baby's birth, IVF or even a pregnancy. I can't book a holiday it's likely I'll be unable to attend, even if it is a wedding, can I.

I am fully aware that my SIL will be sad as she wanted me and my DD to be bridesmaids, but honestly, she can't expect me to go, can she?

middlings - your post made me laugh. I would love a BOGOF through a twin pregnancy. Fingers crossed

Why would your DH go abroad when a baby is due? I know right now you are not expecting a baby, but he knows you may be and the dates involved.

If he were my DH he would say that he can't guarantee to attend the wedding because he needs to be here when the baby arrives.

There is no way that SIL is accidentally booking things on dates she already knows are important to you and your DH. She wants/needs to the centre of attention and this is her way of getting there.

Good luck with the IVF

No way of knowing if your SIL is being unreasonable, other than your gut feeling.

However, in your circumstances I would just say that you can't commit to attending at the moment, but may be able to book something nearer the time if circumstances allow. Don't feel guilty about it, it's just the way it is.

Good luck with the IVF.

Dunno how anyone seems to actually know she's doing it on purpose, seems a bit judgemental to me.

Just do what you want.

No-one's life (not yours or hers) can possibly be so fixed that you need to know what you'll be doing, where you'll be doing it and how you'll be feeling so far in advance: it's 15 months away.
You already have lots to worry about: I would suggest just sticking a pin in the wedding worries and deciding a few months in advance of the wedding whether it is feasible for you and your DD to attend.
Good luck with the IVF

I think it may well be a coincidence, let's give her the benefit of the doubt. I would have a very honest conversation with her that you are TTC with IVF and it may take more than one go and that you are just about to start the process. I'd explain to her that, therefore, you or your dh cannot commit to booking a place at her wedding until much nearer the time. If you are 8 months pregnant then I really don't think your husband would want to leave you and she'd understand (as you say she's so nice!). If you are only 5 months pregnant then your husband could book way in advance and go. I very much doubt it will all be sold out and even if the hotel they are all staying in is I'm sure he could book in next door or something. I wouldn't fly either but only because I too had a miscarriage and know how it puts fear into you. Good luck with it all.

She is totally doing it in purpose.
Dh can go.

I'll have another chat with my DH tonight. He's lovely like the rest of his family, so I know if I say I'd rather he didn't go, he wouldn't so it's probably my decision really.

I'm torn between booking and paying the deposit now and telling SIL we'll have to decide closer to the time.

Ideally, at the very least I'd like DH to be there to show support from us all, but the reality is that it might not be possible, I guess.

Thank you for all the good luck comments re; IVF. I have a ridiculous number of eggs at the moment which is very exciting but also worrying. I'm at risk of OHSS and therefore, sitting on the sofa over thinking the wedding attendance plans.

I probably need to put it into perspective and chill out

well i'm sure you can wait a few weeks before you book. i certainly wouldn't book anything until after may when you know what's happening. might be nothing to worry about.

tis annoying tho!

I think it's obvious you just wait and see and you don't go if all of the circs you're concerned about turn-up. If she's as nice as you say I'm sure she'll understand why you can't be there. I think you're over-thinking it a bit - who cares if she's a bit of a secret drama queen? Very very good luck with the IVF!! Don't sweat the small stuff.

If possible, I would wait until you have done your pregnancy test. I'm sure your SIL will understand that.

If that test is negative then would have a think about what sort of dates you are talking about etc.

In any case, I would say that a lot is out of your hand as it depends on the advice of the consultant re when it is best to do all the procedures. And that you will let her know asap.

Tbh, even if the date wasn't quite coinciding the possible birth of this baby, there would always be an issue due to the IVF (either doing it, preparing for it or being pg) and to see the dates clashing.
It's a shame for your SIL (and for you/your DH) but sometimes it happens and you can't do anything about it.

Good luck with the IVF. It looks like it's going well atm :):)

Hmmm, I'm afraid my DS was the same as your DSIL. I had lots of problems TTCing and after five MC eventually my DS stuck, but it was a very anxious ridden pregnancy and I wanted lots of family support. I was very annoyed when my DS (who is too old to have any DC and is not with anyone) tried to book a holiday abroad with my parents on my due date.

It sounds like your DSIL feels some kind of competition with you. If you have a good relationship with her and are joking about this with your DH I hope you are also joking about it in front of her too.

If not I might say "It's a shame you've booked your wedding so close to my potential due date as we would love to come but daren't book yet due to IVF." and "It would be terrible if DH had to miss your special day to fly home because I was in labour."

Good luck with the IVF, I hope you get a little peanut that sticks XX

Wow, do people have a wedding dress weekend? Not just an afternoon or day?

Anyway, I would explain and say we would be able to commit by 5 months before the date. That way you'd know if pregnant whether one, all, or none of you could attend. If you found you were pregnant after the 5 month count down, you would still be fine to travel as a family as wouldn't be too far into the pregnancy. That is plenty of time to book flights and hotels etc, and I don't think she can reasonably set an RSVP date much earlier for all her guests anyway.

And yes, I think there is a bit of thunder-stealing going on too.

Yes, waiting is probably the right thing to do. Thanks all for helping me think it through

Soeverybody - I've never said anything to her about it. I don't think she even realises I don't think there's any competition between us though, certainly not from my perspective, I promise. I'm always happy for her when things go well and I'm happy with my own life (other than this fertility nightmare ).

Love - you make a good point. Whenever she chooses to get married now it'll be a bad time because of the IVF. I hadn't actually thought of that and I can't really expect her to put it off until I have another one - she has her life to organise too, I guess.

Thanks all. I'll find this thread again and let you all know how things work out