to expect DP to engage with the DC, rather than just supervising them?

[SashaFierce99]

DP spends a lot of time standing around with his hands in his pockets. He never gets down on the floor to play with the DC, suggests a game or initiates play. I feel like he supervises them but never engages with them. The DC don't bother asking him to play anymore but occasionally he'll offer to read a book. However, he reads it in the most monotonous voice imaginable, sticks to the text, doesn't do voices or expression and tells the DC off if they talk to try and discuss the story or pictures.

If the baby is up to no good, he just picks her up and moves her without a word and turns on a noisy toy to distract her then leaves her again. If the older DC are arguing over a toy, rather than helping them resolve it, he'll just remove it.

I admit I'm probably OTT and do really enjoy playing with the DC. If I know I need to do something (like cook tea), I'll help them find something to do first rather than have them nag and keep saying I'm busy (like DP does).

Aibu to expect him to engage with them, at least some of the time, rather than just supervising them?

He has never taken them out unless I've asked him to, he's never organised a trip/party/present or anything for them. He's never spotted something and got it for them because he thought they might like it. It's like he's constantly passing time until I can take over the reins again. Typically he does cook rather than play with the DC but this isn't helpful for their relationship and means I never get a break from them.

The dc old enough to say so never want to spend time with him. If an argument is brewing between the dc he'll leave the room rather than step in or help them resolve the issue. If the baby is upset he just passes her food, drink or a noisy toy without a word. If the dc ignore him when he asks them to do something (which they frequently do) he looks at me as if I should tell them off. He threatens consequences but never follows through but looks to me as I should do so.

I don't see that effectively ignoring your child's existence is parenting at all, Lyin

I wonder if he just doesn't know how to play. It doesn't come naturally to everyone - it would be interesting to find out if his parents were good at playing with him when he was a child.

He must have some positive qualities if you chose him to sire multiple children. What are they? Can you focus on those attributes?

Did he only become passive and aloof after multiple children were conceived?

He sounds like a bare minimum parent and I think it's fine to ask for more than that. Have you talked to him seriously about this and said how strongly you feel about it? I agree with Penelope too - the 'he just doesn't like playing, he'll be better when they're older' line annoys me too. It's unfair, and also, why the hell would he suddenly change later if he's always got away with doing the bare minimum?

Your dh is sending the dc a message about how important they are (not very). It is from parents that dc first learn about their self-worth. He is treating them as if they're not very interesting and not worth engaging with. So this is the message they will learn from him 'I am not very interesting and I am not worth engaging with'. Intentional or not, what he is doing is very cruel.

Buy him a book on emotional neglect and the emotionally-absent parent (i.e. a parent who is not absent, but emotionally they might as well be as they don't engage with the dc despite being physically present) hopefully he will read it and see the destruction he is unintentionally causing.

He would never be a father who abandons his dc and leaves them in danger (hence he supervises) and he needs to see that emotional supervision is just as important as physical supervision.

Play is how children relate to the world, learn, form relationships. It honestly sounds like he can't be bothered to interact with them.

OP I think you are being unfair to your husband. Some people just cannot relate to small children, but do when they are older and can have a so called 'adult conversation'.

Children can and do play by themselves without adult intervention. I hate whiny children who constantly interrupt with the " I'm bored.." because they have no imagination or cannot create a fantasy playing with their toys and other children without an adult to direct their play.

Sasha well your way is never going to make him want to interact; you need to back off because you cannot compel another adult to do things your way.

If you want to do something in a meaningful way, you could say that you have noticed that the children are not wanting to interact with their dad now either and that this is sad because they love him and he loves them. Ask him what he likes to DO with the children, without being antagonistic. See if you can find a way through this with a bit of understanding. I sense a bit of 'ganging up' with you at the helm and your children around you. My mum did this and it was horrid.

But you absolutely must stop hovering around as if you're the parent-in-charge-and-what-you-say-goes... you are not. That way just lies continued indifference and resentment.