Asking how to deal with passive aggressive colleague

[greenbloom]

I'm unsure how to deal with someone at work who makes snide remarks about me - from the way I dress to the time I arrive at work and the fact I don't smile much. I was badly bulled at school - years ago but still have no idea how to respond to this kind of treatment.

Or the catchall one I now use even if I am surprised by someone:

Yeah, right

The other tactic is to force them into outright rudeness - which exposes them for what they are.

"You look like you've been here all night"

"Pardon?"

"I said you look like you've been here all night"

"I heard what you said I was just wondering what your point was?"

"err that you look tired/disheveled"

"Really? So you did mean to be rude then? I wondered..."

Well, we're not all lucky enough to look OK in cheap clothes

Brilliant!

How about our favourite family reply to silence an argument "Whatever ..."

I agree with the advice from Yellow to make her repeat her comments, and question them. People who say things like this often don't think about the possible offence much at all ever before opening their mouths, but repeating them exposes them for the idiocy they usually are.

yes, 'whatever' definitely has its place here. Somebody thinks they are still at school and it isn't the OP.

I would look almost straight at her but over her right shoulder each time she speaks to you. Just for a second. Don't make eye contact. Then look down, roll your eyes, look up and smile and nod your head as you walk away. It will drive her mad.

'Or a sarcastic miaow'

^This is good. Hits the spot. She will be jealous of you in some way, shape or form.

Make sure you look her (and this person just HAS to be a her) right in the eye when you say it, lean your head back too and raise your eyebrows sardonically.

Also, you need to start being more assertive. Walk in the office like you are, for want of a better expression, the cock of the midden.

Anytime she says anything to you, say to her in a loud voice, with a hard stare 'I'm sorry - WHAT did you just say?" with an expression of total disbelief.

Confront her. It will be hard.

But she's a bitch and will not expect it at all.

I would have a field day with her.

Hi PA-Queenie, I know it's really unprofessional to mention people's looks at work, but I admire your blouse/ skirt/ random item. Said on a day she's wearing something totally ordinary and not in response to a pa remark.

Look blankly at her and wait a second or two as if you're giving her a chance to backtrack, then turn around/look back down/to your computer & work with raised eyebrows and "Ok then."

Respond with "OK then" to every single comment. If she asks a question, "sorry... Reall busy work, so need to leave the silly chitchat for breaks." A with a big condescending smile.

This sounds just like a former colleague of mine greenbloom. She made work awkward for several members of staff but unfortunately had senior management wrapped around her little finger. Do you have a colleague at work to support you?

Look busy/distracted and say,

" sorry, what did you say?"

They repeat it, then you either ask them to repeat it again or :
you just give them a head tilt/oh I feel sorry for you look along with an "oh"
Or you repeat what they say back to them
"Yes I've got a new dress"
Or you fake puzzlement- " do you mean I look tired?" Etc.

People like this thrive on being able to get their little quip in quickly. If you make them repeat it, drag it out etc in front of others, it changes the power dynamic. Their little quick put down is now a horribly rude and gauche thing to say.

My reply to comments like this are "why do you care does it affect your life, worry about yourself"

I wouldn't say anything - just slowly look her up and down, raise your eyebrows, turn on your heels and walk away.

Heavenlypink - the only time she's made a comment like that to me in front of another colleague that person took her down so fast that I could only gasp in admiration. It nearly always happens when no one else is around. Lots to try out here, thanks.

As she says it when you're alone how about "x will die laughing at that latest comment from you"...

I agree this is bullying and she is undermining you. Speak to your manager as it's not on.
Also, just saying "ok" is the easiest standby response. Although I'm sure if you have other examples of her mean little digs we can dream up some more hilarious possible responses....
What about the colleague who took her down? Can you ask them to back you up? Explain that sort of thing happens all the time when no one else is there?

Death stare is your best friend here. Just totally emotionless expression, keep looking and don't look away until she does. You have to know you can hold your nerve though.

Alternatively "I couldn't be less interested".

Some great responses on here already. However you could also feign indifference if you can.

Or practice responses like 'ooh, kitty got claws' or 'someone's been sleeping in the knife drawer'.

If you are struggling to deal with her, I'd go down the "sorry?" route.

It's very nice to imagine that we'll be able to snap back with a witty retort, but in reality, if that's not your style, you won't be able to think that fast. When someone is so rude to you it's hard not to freeze in shock (then kick yourself later).

When you see her coming, remind yourself "sorry, sorry, sorry..." then when she says something catty, you'll be ready. It's the same reply, every time, and it forces her to repeat what she's just said. She won't want to; she;ll seem SO rude saying something rude twice. So she'll just wither and say "oh, nothing" and walk off.

Or if she seems to be in a snippy mood, ask her straight away, "is everything ok?" (obvs you don't really care, but it shows her that you've noticed she's being weird and rude. It will snap her out of it)

Good luck, these kinds of people can complely ruin workplaces. x

I read the other day that if someone makes a nasty jokey comment it you get them to repeat it twice, its no longer funny and is obviously bitchy. Apparently nothing is funny if repeated three times (I think it was a ted talk) so first time "I'm sorry I didn't hear that" second time "no sorry I'm not sure I got that", third time they say it they are aware they are a twat. I haven't had the chance to try it yet but I'm looking forward to giving it a go....

exactly allbymyself!