to be losing patience with non-earning DH

[Skrewt]

DH is self employed so his income is somewhat sporadic. However since having children 12 years ago I have been a sahm. I help out with his business but because he is the sole earner I have always done everything at home. We were badly affected by the recession and he suffered from depression but did his best workwise and we managed to keep our home (we have no mortgage as I had enough put aside before marriage to buy outright). Last year I got a job that fits perfectly around my children so it's not a huge earner but should have been enough along with DH's income so that we could start to have a reasonable (well less fraught) quality of life again. Instead DH has totally lost interest in working - he has not contributed anything in 6 months. He doesn't bother to go into work til afternoon (but is rarely available to pick up the kids or do anything extra to help at home). We are really struggling more than ever financially as we are totally dependent on my small income now. He is just not interested. I helped him sort out his business last month to try to generate his enthusiasm but he just seems to have this idea that earning is my responsibility now and talks about me doing extra hours (I have applied for a second temporary job - which he could have applied for too but he refused). Our current account is down to it's last few £'s and he just looks at me blankly when I say it to him. He has suffered two bouts of depression before and I am afraid to say anything to him about his lack of get-up-and-go in case he slides into depression again but I have to clamp my lips together not to say anything to him. My parents have helped us out and I am too embarrassed to ask again but I really don't know how we'll cope. He seems to have checked out of pulling his weight. The reason I think I ABU is that he carried the responsibility all those years and never said a word about me not earning. He's gone for a cycle rather than work this morning because it's a nice day and I am aware that this might be what's helping him keep his spirits up but I am cracking up.

This is the behaviour of a depressed person. Get him to the doctor. He is not thinking clearly at all.

Go on citizensinformation.ie you'll find a general information number or speak to your local social welfare office. They're really helpful and you're probably entitled to benefits that you don't know about. He sounds as if he has a low level depression and I know exactly what you're going through. My husband was exactly the same and there weren't enough hours in the day for me to earn keep house and look after a pile of kids. Keep strong and I learned the hard way that you have to approach calmly. Good luck.

Yeah... wonder how much of this 'depression' is because this cocklodger realises his easy life might be about to come to an end. It sounds like he's done fuck all for over a decade apart from faffing about with some fairly useless 'own business'. Don't forget the OP paid for the house outright and has done all the domestic work and childcare while he pratted about thinking of himself as either an artistic genius within sight of his big break or a demon entrepreneur of some sort despite all the evidence to the contrary.

Decide how many more times you're going to try to talk about these problems.
Decide how long you're prepared to wait after the talk to see a positive change and how you define positive change - his taking responsibility for his depression assuming he does have depression; doing more housework and childcare; looking for paid work; etc, however you want to define it.
Decide what you will do if there is no apparent change in your time limit.

The thing to remember is that even if you split now and he goes to live elsewhere, it can be temporary. It is not set in stone until one of you decides that it is.

It could simply be that with everything you have to do - work, housework, childcare - you simply can't cope with looking after him either physically or mentally, so he goes elsewhere for a few months until you've had a break, got your head together.

He may even find it easier to get himself going if he's living apart from you, too.

So a separation doesn't have to be permanent.