to ignore these messages from my dad and his new partner?

[coralpig]

Hello,
I'm really at the end of my tether and wish I could tell them both to piss off but it's not that easy. This is long!

There are lots of relevant details about my dad so I'll try to strike a balance between dripfeeding and writing a novel of an OP.
My mum and dad divorced when I was 5. He had an affair and then went one step further and married the OW- convincing her that he was a) divorced already b) had a daughter (me) but that his ex (my mum) wouldn't let him see her and that she demanded he pay up all his salary to my maintenance. This was a huge lie and, in fact, he paid no maintenance at all. Mum found out about the cheating/ sham marriage, demanded a divorce, he refused, she demanded it again and then he threatened to have me kidnapped and taken to live abroad with his mother. Mum took him to court and managed to secure prohibitive steps against him with a court order that expired when I turned 16.

Between the ages of 5 and 16 he came in and out of my life, probably seeing me about 6 or 7 times just for the afternoon. He lives abroad. I would get a phone call maybe 3 or 4 times a year with a bunch of excuses as to why he didn't call. In that time there were a LOT of lies, tall tales and excuses as to why he hadn't called or visited, made up birthday presents that were lost in the post, stories about frozen bank accounts meaning he couldn't send child support.. The works. Highlight was the year that I turned 12- he didn't call on my birthday but instead called on HIS birthday livid that I had forgotten. I said sorry. I'm now angry that I did.

Some of his stories were ridiculous - not really relevant to this thread but the stories were laughable. Only an idiot would believe them but he would swear blind they were true.

His wife and him had a son and were married until about 4 years ago when they divorced. I've recently got to know them and we are now very close. My mum and her are also very good friends and mainly bond over how ridiculous he is. I've grown up with this and it's fine. I don't see my dad a lot but we are friends on Facebook and he sometimes writes me messages on there- on my public wall these are always ridiculously flower - showy messaged about how much he loves, thinks I'm wonderful and how he brags about me to all his colleagues. Private messages between us are a lot more guarded.

Anyway, that's enough context and sets the seen. Now to the AIBU/ WWYD

6 months ago he announced his engagement on facebook. This received a lot of attention with many people shocked, lots of congratulations but mainly people saying they were so surprised as he has never mentioned a lady to him. I messaged him to ask who this was and he replied saying it was complicated but I would be the first to know. On his public Facebook he wrote another message saying that Facebook had 'made a mistake' and that his relationship status had been updated by mistake. It stayed the same.

I chatted to my stepmum about this and she said that an old colleague of theirs found out that the fiancé was somebody he had a long standing relationship which undoubtedly overlapped with my dad and stepmum's marriage. The fiancé's divorce wasn't final and she lives in a part of the world where having a relationship out of wedlock is very taboo/ arguably dangerous for a woman.

My birthday was at the weekend. My dad put a ridiculously flowery message on my wall- 2 days late- and also sent me a private message saying that his new partner had sent me a friend request and a special message. I checked my spam messages and saw her message where she wished me a 'happy birthday baby and used lots of heart emojis and kissing icons'. I'm just exasperated.

AIBU to be so angry and to ignore this?

I'm afraid I can't just cut him out of my life - at least not for another year (that's a whole other story) and need to be at least civil but I'm so angry. I've never told him what I really think of him but I don't think he realised I'm not 5 anymore.

WWYD?

Thanks if you've read to the end!

That's the only thing that's making me think I should back down and accept the friend request but I really don't want to

I can't think of what could be restricting you for the year and I'm not going to try and speculate because this is your life and not fodder for gossip so based on what you've said I would accept the friend request, restrict them both, answer flowery messages, be friendly and chatty and act as though everything is rosy.

I know you don't want to, I don't blame you. But if he has the power to make your life hellish then just do it. It's only a few written words on a screen.

Hopefully after the year you can tell him to go fuck himself and get great satisfaction out of doing so! :)

Thank you for all of the replies. Luckily it's nothing as horrific as a forced marriage (i'm in my 20s, engaged to somebody that I really love and, for complicated reasons, he has the power to put a stop to my wedding by withdrawing his blessing. He hasn't threatened to do this but it's something we both know and I can't take any chances.).

The advice on putting them both on a restricted list is great - I've done this now. It's been very helpful to rant on here.

I do feel a lot like a doormat most of the time -not just with him and I've tried so hard to address that aspect of my personality. I've also seen a counsellor. He's making it difficult to be assertive.

The details on this thread are just the tip of the iceberg - I'm seriously considering writing it all down one day, just for myself - would be great therapy I think.

Yeah, agree with others, add her as a friend but make her, your dad and anyone else whose profile he can see an 'acquaintance'. Then set your posts so that only friends can see them, with the occasional public post that everyone can see. It's a nuisance but in a year you will hopefully be married and can send him the message you really want to send.

You can post a thread in OTBT, coral.

That way, it can't be seen on google, for example.

It sounds as if you've grown up and are surrounded by a horribly mysoginistic culture, that means his behaviour is acceptable.

Why do you need his blessing to marry? Will your lovely partner turn you down with out the blessing of an arsehole? Then he really isn't very lovely. It sounds truly warped and disturbing to live in that way. I hope you can escape.

Gosh he sounds completely insane! When the year's up you can kick him and her right out of your life and never think of them again.

Is it worth setting up a fake fb page just for them (and a few others you don't actually know to make it look real? You could say you'd been getting badly spammed or something). Actually, easier to make your current page your fake one, and move your real friends to another page. Too much work! Forget it. Might be worth it in the future sometime though.

Can I ask how/why his bigamous marriage could end in divorce when the marriage wasn't legal in the first place? Not strictly relevant, I'm just intrigued

I suspect that the marriage to the step mum was probably an Islamic one and the step mum was the second wife, a wife in the eyes of God but not according to the law of the land so to speak.

I could be wrong though but its what I suspected from very early on in the OP.

I'm seriously considering writing it all down one day, just for myself - would be great therapy I think.

I'm doing writing as therapy. I'm finding it very good for pinpointing specific (and often conflicting) feelings, why I feel them, and make some sort of sense out of it all.

I think there may be an advantage in writing over talk therapy, in the sense that you really have to "chew" before you produce. So lots of wheat from chaff sorting kind of happens by itself. Whereas if I talk I tend to blurt with no real processing, or evaluating for weight going on. So I can certainly recommend it so far as a very acessable and streamlined form of self help.

Apparently another advantage is that it is not addictive in the way talk therapy can be. Which I can believe, because you really need to have something you want to say to go to all the effort of finding the words to put on paper.

My only regret is that I waited for the final curtain to draw before I began. With hindsight I should have started well before the end was upon me. Which is worth bearing in mind, especially if you have a year of holding your breath in front of you. When he or she sends messages you'd really rather not see, you may find having a place to put down how it makes you feel something of a relief, rather than having to holding it inside, stuck waiting to exhale.

In your shoes I think I would do one of two things:

Accept friend request, do restricted status, smile nicely and let them both wash over you. It's not as though you are going to meet this new fiance anytime soon so does it really matter that much?

Delete your account and simply say that you don't want to be on it anymore. Would be handy if your fiance was prepared to do so too so he can't be a conduit for your father. Plenty of people do. Your father is free to call and email you directly as he has ever been. You don't HAVE to use Facebook / WhatsApp etc