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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To totally not know what to do?

21 replies

Teaandcakeat8 · 22/02/2016 18:13

Sorry if this seems long but there is relevant background info and I don't want to drip feed!

Ex dp and I met at work and worked together throughout our 2 year relationship. We lived together too which ultimately led to the end of our relationship. I finished it just before Christmas as I didn't feel the same (and neither I think did he).

Shortly afterwards my parents leant me the rest of the money I needed to buy a house. Offer was accepted but the legal bit is proving to be very slow and there are a number of enquiries still outstanding.

In the meantime my ex has started to date a new girl at work. It is an open plan office and I have to sit watching them all day. I don't think there was any cheating but he definitely was flirting with her at the end (probably as I gave him no attention, we hadn't had sex for months as I didn't want to).

It's really difficult to watch them and be happy. I feel like the loser as I haven't got a new boyfriend yet (although I don't want to). I'm not sure if I can face seeing them in the future being loved up when I'm alone.

It's a small city that we live in and although jobs in my field do come up, I'm starting to think I'd have more luck in a larger city. I'm becoming more and more tempted to look for a work in my university town where I was really happy. But I haven't lived there for 4 years.

So really my dilemma is this, should I pull out of the house sale and cut my losses and move away? Or should I stay and hope I've moved on by the time their relationship gets serious?

OP posts:

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 22/02/2016 18:14

Sorry lent me the money.

I also should add that I wouldn't be able to afford a flat in another city... Would have to go back to renting.

OP posts:

Owllady · 22/02/2016 18:17

Would it be possible to go through with the sale where you are with a view to renting it out, when/if you get a new job?
I think it sounds like you would be happier having a fresh start somewhere else :)

nilbyname · 22/02/2016 18:18

Tricky.....

You're young it sounds like?

Make a list of pros and cons and see which side comes out best?

Do you have connections in your uni town? Could you buy a smaller property outside if the city and commute in? Could you put your money in a high interest and build it up till you're ready to buy again? Could you do a buy to let in your home town and move anyway?

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 22/02/2016 18:19

I could rent it out but I would need to live in it for a while, because of the mortgage. Then I would need to inform the mortgage company. I'm not sure if it's so simple.

OP posts:

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 22/02/2016 18:20

And I'm 26... Not so young! I do have friends in the town I currently live in (not my hometown) and don't know anyone in my university town any more...

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SheHasAWildHeart · 22/02/2016 18:21

In situations like this I make a list of reasons for and against and then weigh it up.
Other things to consider are- do you enjoy your current job? Would you be able to keep in touch with your social circle? Are there other ways you can find happiness and fulfilment in current city, eg any hobbies, projects you could take up? For example after I split up with exH I bought a new house and took great care in getting in redecorated etc and that was a great distraction for me and I loved every minute of it, the sense of achievement from it was great.
Just my thoughts!

Allgunsblazing · 22/02/2016 18:23

Don't be silly! In a few years' time you might have forgotten all about it, they might move etc. Why should you be the one that bows out?
By the sound of it, you have a supportive family, the chance to have yoir own home. Trust me, this too shall pass. Keep your head high up and ignore!!!

acasualobserver · 22/02/2016 18:23

Your ex is likely trying to piss you off with his new relationship - remember you gave him the flick so he's got some wounded pride to repair. I wouldn't leave town on his/their account.

ImperialBlether · 22/02/2016 18:23

The last thing you need is to watch that pair at this point in their relationship. I'd pull out of the house and start to think seriously about where I wanted to live. You'll need to check the job situation in your new town and will have to get a job before you get a mortgage, won't you? I'd go all out for a new job but perhaps keep the location open for a while - look at jobs in every place you think you'd like to work in.

MunchMunch · 22/02/2016 18:27

I think you have to remind yourself that you didn't want him, he (by the sounds of it) didn't want you. He has moved on by choosing another relationship and you've moved on by choosing to be on your own.

Unless you still have feeling for him there's no reason to look as though you are the loser, in fact you've won by not being in a relationship that you didn't want to be in. It makes you sound like you are jealous. Just try looking the other way or ignoring him unless you have to interact with him.

I'm sure it will be hard but I suppose that's one of the cons of having a relationship with a co-worker.

nilbyname · 22/02/2016 18:29

26 is young! And lovely- so much time to do stuff.

You don't need to live in a house for a mortgage- you just need to qualify for a bit to let mortgage- ie a higher deposit usually.

I wouldn't be in a hurry to move of the boyf is the only motivation.

I would be looking at new job prospects though...

scarlets · 22/02/2016 18:33

Would you be interested in moving to a bigger city to further your career if he hadn't found a girlfriend? Don't let him be instrumental in your life decisions. The lovebirds may not stay together anyway.

If your career would thrive in the new place, and you don't mind renting and you're excited about making new friends, then do it. Otherwise, stay put, work hard, get out and about with friends, and enjoy your new home.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/02/2016 18:36

You have your head switched on, not rushing to get into another relationship and getting onto the property ladder is a good way to embark on a fresh chapter.

Your ex will be aware you are conscious of him and the other employee and maybe wants to prove how over you he is, so will not be worried about how discreet they are. Tiresome as it is, you're not interested in him and anyway the relationship could just be a rebound and not worth ditching the job for, OP. However if you feel like a change, look before you leap.

I don't know if moving to the place you used to be settled in is really the answer. Different time now (stating the obvious ) from when you were living there as a student. At the moment you have established friendships so I wouldn't rush to move away. May I say it's so nice to hear that your parents are willing and able to help you out.

lorelei9 · 22/02/2016 18:56

Sorry if I'm being thick
Are you saying you want yo leave the job because it's hard to see them and that the decision to leave would effectively force you to change areas because there's not many jobs where you live?

I'd look at the other aspects. If you like your job and your area, and can buy in an area you want to live in, then stay.

Owning a home is well exciting too!

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 22/02/2016 19:04

I'd say this is a very strong case for fake it till you make it. Don't let them see how you feel - as others have said a lot of the PDAs are probably for your benefit anyway. They may not last. And you're not a saddo/failure/Billynomates for not having a boyfriend, which you don't want anyway but seem to feel would give you status. Holding your head up and letting it go, and trusting your own judgement are how you come out of this with dignity.

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 22/02/2016 19:08

If he hadn't found a new girlfriend I would have no problem with staying put - I have a bit of a 'run away' aspect to my personality which has so far got me nowhere! So I was determined to stay in this city and make a big effort to meet more people, also I'm excited to own my own home of course!

I don't want him back but I do still feel something for him I guess, I know you can't just switch that off. So yes, their relationship would be the reason for leaving and moving. I'm generally happy in my job and have just got a pay rise and promotion.

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Chattymummyhere · 22/02/2016 19:09

I wouldn't move because of them.

Am I the only one who's thinking pda does not belong in the workplace? Surely that could be reported to someone? I wouldn't want to see it even if it wasn't my newly single ex partner. Time and a place for that and company time is not the time or place.

lorelei9 · 22/02/2016 19:16

Reading your further update, stay where you are! You are doing well, it sounds good and being a home owner will distract you from them too.

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 22/02/2016 19:33

I'm just wondering how I'll feel in say 4 months if they've off on holiday or something and I'm still single... Not sure if it's worth putting myself through the agony! But maybe I won't care in 4 months time...

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lorelei9 · 22/02/2016 19:38

Do you have a stigma attached to being single?

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 22/02/2016 19:46

Not a stigma but I sort of feel a bit old to still not be loved up! I know that's my own issue though.

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