Why won't anyone acknowledge my infertility????

[Florapora]

Been TTC for nearly 3 years. Multitude of issues (all my fault, DH has super sperm) and now early onset menopause to add to the difficulty.

Friends have all been pregnant, had babies during this time and we've always been open about it. My closest friends are now pg (we've been through Uni together and lived together for years in the past). My fertility issues are never acknowledged or enquires about. I went through another (unsuccessful) IVF cycle last month which they were aware about and didn't receive a single text. They don't even know it's not worked. I appreciate that they're in a pg bubble but surely they can spare a moment to remember? Surely they are wondering?! I can tolerate the Insta bump pics and I always comment cheerfully but honestly. I guess I'm jealous, while at the same time being happy for them. I want MY baby. When we meet we talk non stop about babies. Never is anything mentioned about my issues. I don't know if I come across as a strong person but surely they can try to put themselves in my position? I feel like all of a sudden I can't cope with their pg being rubbed in my face. The text, updates about it all while ignoring my own struggles is too much.

When I came on this thread initially I was ready to say that they probably don't want to bring it up without it being initiated by you or say anything upsetting, but actually it sounds like they are being quite thoughtless... talking about themselves without really acknowledging what's happening with you.

Having said that I sometimes don't know what my friends who are ttc long term want to hear from me and am sure whatever I say would sound glib so am guilty of perhaps going a bit quiet or not knowing what to say.

YANBU. Infertility has nothing to do with positivity levels

Saying "I know it will happen one day" is unhelpful. The exact reason why infertility is painful is because realistically it may never happen. To say it "will" happen is inaccurate and belittles the way the infertile person feels.

Flora sorry to hear you don't think they've been as supportive as they possibly could.

Sadly I think it's really difficult to get the level of support and questioning spot on whenever a loved one is a tough place. Although I know that doesn't make it any easier to bear as the one looking for support.

A PP mentioned reading blogs which suggest not to ask intimate questions, that you'll tell us when there's news ..... But then some people want to talk and share details (of anything, not just TTC) And as the "friend" who's been there, I can so relate to the difficulty of finding the right level.

A good friend of mine was TTC for the best part of 10 years. For most of that time, she worked with my mum. Meaning my mum knew if she was off work, she mentioned regular appointments at a clinic - but reassured everyone she wasn't "ill". She even shared with colleagues that "it hadn't worked again". But she never shared that level of detail with me .... Or other friends in our group. So I felt awkward asking how it was all going, for fear she'd think my mum / her colleagues had been talking out of turn.
Years later, she does have a DD who we all adore. After a further round of IVF later, which was then unsuccessful, she stunned me when we were out for a few drink saying how much she'd appreciated all my support during her difficult years, apparently I'd handled it "just right". She was crying ..... I was crying buckets ..... And to this day I've no idea what i did or said that was so right.

My advice ...... If they're good friends who you value, tell them how you feel (by email if you want). Perhaps tell them some specifics (that may not be known / obvious to others) that you'd be happy if they asked about, or give them some dates when you might be quiet or conversely might be grateful of extra support.

Hope it all works for you

Also if your friends are constantly wanting you to celebrate with them, they should also be willing to support you in your own situation. Friendship is meant to work both ways.

I have a friend whose been trying to get pregnant, I never know how to broach the subject. While my whole life is devoted to my daughter and almost all I can talk about, I feel it would be horrible for me to turn around and then ask, "how is you not being able to have a baby going?"

I think you should try to bring it up, I think it would make it less awkward and then they would know you actually want to talk about it.

The problem is that different people appreciate different treatment from others in that situation.

Dh and I were told we could not have dc, and didn't for the first 15 years of our relationship. We were very open about it, but mostly our saying 'we can't have children' when people asked us about it meant 'drop the subject right now'.

I have had many friends who were in similar situations. When we were talking about babies, we often discussed fertility treatments and so on. Sometimes their miscarriages too. But when someone was going through IVF, it was considered the done thing to give them privacy to go through it and not ask anything at least until it would have been the 12 week scan - many felt that they did not want to talk about it in the early days, when it is very touch and go.

What you feel is disinterest may well just be them trying to de considerate and not put you under pressure.

Do you have one friend you are closer to than the rest who you could say all the 'stay positive' stuff is driving you mad as all the positive thinking in the world will not change the state of your fallopian tubes or help an embryo implant in your uterus? Ask her to 'have a word'?

Otherwise lots of sympathy from me. No experience of infertility but lots of people who are hoping positive thinking is going to get them through their cancer. As expat says, it doesn't. It might help you cope and that's great if that's your thing and you are being realistic as well but if it's not, hearing everyone else go on about it is only going to drive you nuts.