To think my sister needs to grow up?

[godricswallow]

She is 27. We get on OK. We arent the best friends and we dont have a lot in common but we can be amicable to one another.

She has suffered from severe mental health problems for a long time. Came out of school with few prospects and has never really worked in a paid job. She has done periods of voluntary work but nothing that has last more than a few months because she "cant cope with it all". She claims she gets very anxious around people and finds it hard to trust them. She got a paid job last year but left it because she said it was causing her distress.

She is a nice girl dont get me wrong. She still lives with my parents and helps them out around the house and in whatever they need etc. She has her own money through the benefits she get for her mental illness but doesnt pay rent/towards household bills/food.

My parents keep falling out over the fact she is still at home and its causing a strain on their relationship. Growing up they were very happy together but her constant mood swings and lounging about is causing them a lot of stress. Its hars for me to see if im honest and I do blame her. Part of me doesnt want to but a big part of me does.

She has seen many therapists, none of which she seems to get on with. She is constantly going back and forth to the GP and trying different medications which dont seem to work for her.

I dont know much about mental health issues I really dont. But surely at 27 and when she has been on this cycle for years she needs to start to make a change?

There was a very very similar thread a few months ago with some helpful links in it to mental health websites.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2493767-To-be-concerned-about-my-daughter

OP try to see it as being like managing any other long term health condition. I agree with PP - can you find ways to support your parents? Can your sister contribute more financially, since as you say she has money.

Your sister sounds just like me!

Im 24 still live at home and have depression and panic disorder, ive had a few therapists and tried nearly every medication for my MH issues, i go to the doctors every week, ive never had a job, cant eat out, cant be in big social situations, sometimes i can barely cope with life, i hate it and i bet your sister does to, its horrible feeling trapped in your own body, not being able to do 'normal' everyday things, not fitting in with society and being labeled strange or weird.

Your sister probably needs your support, educate yourself on her MH conditions and try and understand her instead of blaming her!.

As the parent of a child with MH issues, I understand your frustration and concern for your parents. My child is 25, not able to hold down a job and is utterly dependant. I wonder if he will ever be able to live independently and it's very sad for all of us but of course most of all him.

As people have rightly said, it is very difficult to claim benefits ( my son does) and believe me, if she qualifies, she is SERIOUSLY ill. And that's the thing about people with MH issues, they may look normal, they may appear to be "OK" or lethargic or "lazy" but you have no idea what your sister is dealing with internally.

No parent would choose for their child to have MH issues, and yes it does have a terrible impact on families. My marriage has suffered greatly from my sons MH issues and indeed my own MH, there is only so much strain you can take before years of supporting a child with MH issues can affect one's own MH.
It's very hard to know at times whether a persons behaviour is genuinely illness related or its a habit or way of life, such as not appearing to want to get a job. I have at times wanted my son to "pull himself together" I wish it were that simple.

You say that you are concerned for your parents, which is a good start. So how about thinking about it this way:

1. accept that your sisters illness is very real. And perhaps the reason why you aren't very close is that she's been unwell for longer than you realise.

2. think about how you can support your sister and perhaps take some of the strain from your parents?

3. accept that your sister is unlikely to "make changes" any time soon.

Sorry that you are all suffering this dreadful illness, it just shows how it can ruin not only the lives of the people suffering from it, but their families and loved ones too. Your parents might want to look into getting support or counselling for themselves I found Papyrus helpful at times.

It's already been said, but yes - you seem to be judging her when she probably could use some more understanding. I have MH issues, and although I live with partner not parents, I struggle with all the normal things people without problems do, such as driving/working/socialising. Your sister most likely is doing what she can. I hope advice in previous comments on this thread is helpful for you and your sister too.

My sister is 27 and suffers from severe mental health issues. She lives at home and has abused both drugs and alcohol. She has also tried to commit suicide a number of times. She has never held down a job for more than a month or two - she either quits due to sexual harassment by managers or her own health.

I do understand how incredibly difficult it is for the family because I have seen the impact it has had on my family. But I just have to keep telling myself that no one is suffering as much as my sister is. One way or another, the rest of us all have some kind of escape but she is stuck with herself forever. And she hates herself. It's tragic.

But don't blame yourself for sometimes losing it with her. My dad lost it with my sister the other day because she drunkenly smashed something he cared about. He gets that she has an illness but he understandably got cross. You can't be a saint all the time!

OP, perhaps you need to grow up and educate yourself about mental health problems.

If you could just 'grow up' and your mental health problems vanished wouldn't that be lovely. There would be so much less suffering in the world if it were that simple.

You do realise that mental health problems are illnesses right? You know like how you can suffer from a physical illness. You can take medicine and has therapies but it doesn't always make the illness go away.

If she is getting benefits she is ill enough to be assessed as needing them because she is sick enough.

Posts like your I find very sickening because it just makes it harder not easier to get support from outside the family, to get funding for mental health and simply to get better. It just adds to the stigma.

I really hope for your sake you never have to experience it first hand because its something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Why don't you campaign for better mental health support, for your sister and your family, instead of promoting and propagating ignorance?

It can be done, yes. But that doesn't mean the OP's sister can manage it.

This might sound quite a bizarre suggestion but has it ever been suggested that your sister has high functioning autism? It's poorly recognised in girls/women. It's common to have MH issues including anxiety and for counselling to help a bit but not significantly. I ask because of what you said about finding work difficult because being with people overwhelming and the anxiety.

I only realised I was probably autistic when I saw the Tania Marshall profile of female Asperger's on here. Turns out I am autistic. Knowing this has really helped me to deal with my anxiety issues. It's worth considering.

So because you managed it, Iam, obviously everyone who can't is making a fuss?

Get a fucking grip.

OP has raised a relevant issue.
Namely, that MH can affect the whole e family, not just the person with MH issues.

Thank you OP for raising this very unpopular subject.

I have huge sympathy for the person suffering MH issues, but nobody operates in a vacuum.

Your immediate family will be suffering alongside you.

The natural order of things is that children grow up then fly the nest.
If this natural progression doesn't occur then
Stresses and cracks will start to appear in the family unit.

i don't think you have the first clue about mental health .tellingher to grow up indeed!! why does the NHS waste all this money on mental health services when suffereres just need to pull themselves together

How do you know that your sis hasn't offered to contribute and they have said noi.If i had a child on benefits through ill health , then i wouldn't ask them to contribute.

Good god, you sound absolutely hideous. Your poor sister.

Maybe you need to take steps to know more about your DSis's issues?

godricswallow of course you are not being unreasonable to care about your parents but you are being unreasonable to think your sister can change any time soon.

You've had some very good advice on here and at the risk of repeating what others have said, in your shoes I would:

-Educate yourself about your sister's conditions
-Support your sister
-Support your parents
-Perhaps support all three of them by and taking your sister away from your parents for a few hours or a night each week/month to allow you to build up your relationship further with her and to give your parents time alone together!
-Somehow suggest your parents (I know this may be very hard!) that they get some counselling/support to help them get on the same page in helping your sis.

The charity 'Mind' may be a place to get some ideas where to get further help for your sister and your parents.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/

It may be a full time job is not possible and it may be that part-time work would screw up her benefits so voluntary work is a way for her to get the support and value from work (and give something back to the community) but still to be able to support herself.

I do also feel she should be helping your parents financially a bit, and maybe this could be agreed on by your parents and her. I know it is hard but really it is there business they wish to support her financially. It does sound like they themselves are divided on this one! So you could help them get on the same page together.

Maybe one way forward is for her to pay them a nominal sum for a period of time with a view to also putting some savings aside and then in the future this sum paid to them would increase or she would use her savings to rent/live independently.

If she has anxiety, has she tried CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)? I had anxiety for a few years about 18 years ago and it was treated with CBT wonderfully.

Good luck.

PS also some of the usual mumsnet mean comments, ignore those and find posters offering you some solid advice you can work with!

I'm not taking this personally although I have experience with MH (I was taken from my uni at 21 and admitted to hospital for 3 months) but this exactly what I say to people, I love the post about change MH to heart issues is exactly what I say to people.

I'm sorry to do this but those who say the replies are harsh, would they be harsh if this was the OP

^She is 27. We get on OK. We arent the best friends and we dont have a lot in common but we can be amicable to one another.

She has suffered from heart problems for a long time. Came out of school with few prospects and has never really worked in a paid job. She has done periods of voluntary work but nothing that has last more than a few months because she "cant cope with it all". She claims she gets very tired and doesn't have the energy . She got a paid job last year but left it because she said it was causing her to become ill.

She is a nice girl dont get me wrong. She still lives with my parents and helps them out around the house and in whatever they need etc. She has her own money through the benefits she get for her heart condition but doesnt pay rent/towards household bills/food.

My parents keep falling out over the fact she is still at home and its causing a strain on their relationship. Growing up they were very happy together but her constant mood swings (caused by her exhaustion) and lounging about is causing them a lot of stress. Its hars for me to see if im honest and I do blame her. Part of me doesnt want to but a big part of me does.

She has seen many doctors, . She is constantly going back and forth to the GP and trying different medications which dont seem to work for her.

I dont know much about heart issues I really dont. But surely at 27 and when she has been on this cycle for years she needs to start to make a change?^

MH is just as much as illness as heart issues or any other disability. It is crippling. Yes it's quiet likely that medications it's not a illness that one medication will suit all.

As for your parents situation, they do have my sympathies, living with someone with a long term illness or disability is exhausting and I don't want to undermine that.
Is there any way she could contribute to say the weekly shopping from her benefits maybe that would lessen the resentment.

The mood swings are a massive part of her condition, again I'm not saying their nice to live with. MH is exhausting though I suspect your sister isn't lazing about, she's physically exhausted. I do work I have aspergers so understand the social anxiety, I have to sleep after work, I might not seemed to do much but just being around people exhausts me.

Please do look in to MH and its symptoms in the same way you would if it was heart issues or any other disability. Maybe you could actually help support your parents to understand and find a way your sisters illness doesn't cause them stress and destress.

This^.

My depression never put me in hospital, never got the police called, never hit a loved one. It was mild. It was still like wearing scuba gear while hungover and being punched by people shouting "you are a worthless piece of shit".

I dont know much about mental health issues I really dont

This, rather than your dsis is the issue. Yes its frustrating but she is ill.

Posted too soon. Ime, letting a person with mh know you think they can control it/change it etc, can make things worse. They can't and trying different meds brings its own problem.

I wish I could just grow up and get rid of my anxiety

Your sister has seen therapists and has tried various medications. She's obviously not averse to helping herself. I'm sure it is draining on the family but what do you think she should be doing?

Maybe you could let her stay with you for a weekend,? It could give your parents a break and you a chance to try and understand her and find something you have in common.

I understand your concern about how your sister MH is effecting your parents. My mums had to put up with mine for over 10 year and i feel really bad about it, i hate that i cant be 'normal' and i feel guilty that ive put so much stress on my family and im really trying to change but its a very slow process.

Your sister will be feeling all sorts of guilt because of the way she is. How about going with her to one of her GP appointments? It might make you understand better.

you sound like my sister there is 6 years between us i have severe mental health conditions anxiety ocd clusterphobia and other and i have also been diagnosed with personality disorder as well just recently i had my sister on the phone to me saying my mental illness is in my head and i should grow up i had severe depression in the past which i tried to commit suicide by overdoses and drowning my self many times being criticized and lectured does not help it can make the person your love one worthless and it can really back fire as well. Be supported and be their for her i wish my sister was she really verbally abused me over the phone it was awful and i felt awful and horrible i had multiplie traumas in the past from rape to muggings to death of family members to abusive relationships multiplie times it doesnt help being judged criticised like that at all. Please be understanding and supportive she needs you more then ever and your attitude doesnt help at all