Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset?

42 replies

AmIUnreasonablePlease · 20/02/2016 10:18

Just wondering if I'm being unreasonable to be upset about the following really. DH came home the other day and proceeded to quiz our eldest DD whose 5 why she was eating in the living room. I felt that he should be asking me as I was obviously the parent in charge while he was out, and had okayed her to do this. I felt that by asking her he was 1) undermining me and 2) placing the 'blame' on her even though she was only do what she'd been told was ok.

Once I'd told him this he proceeded to inform me that 'I was in one of those moods', and that 'can we please not have any of this fighting over the next few days'.

I told him that I felt this was not fighting, I had calmly told him about the issue I had with what he'd done, and that if he's meaning that I am meant to just shut up, not say anything, and do everything his way then that was not going to happen. But that I'm not fighting.

He then proceeded to tell me that he 'doesn't know what has crawled up my arse recently'. I just left it there, after telling him not to speak to me like that.

AIBU to feel very hurt and upset about this and the way he speaks to me?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 20/02/2016 10:58

Is he the only one who sweeps up the crumbs afterwards? If so, he may have a point. If not, what the hell is he on about?

Trouble with making up with him in this situation is that his bullying tactics have worked, thus reinforcing the bad behaviour. All he has to do is rant and sulk and everyone is tiptoeing around trying to placate him. It's as bad for him as it is for you in the long term.

Wondermoomin · 20/02/2016 11:00

I don't think there's anything wrong with him asking your DC why she's eating in the living room. It's all the stuff that followed that indicates a problem... If you find it confusing, heavens knows what it must be like for a child. Perhaps agree your "house rules" so to speak, and also how and when you sort out any parenting disagreements. That would be my first step anyway. Hope it improves for you all.

ouryve · 20/02/2016 11:04

If he threatens to leave, tell him to please himself. That's a highly manipulative means of trying to get his own way.

And you need to try not to be drawn into an argument about anything, when he's clearly spoiling for one. Tell him you will discuss this with him, later, when there are no DC in earshot and let that be your last word, until then.

GabiSolis · 20/02/2016 11:06

He knows the power he has over you and he's exploiting that to get his own way. He can push whatever he wants because he knows ultimately it will end in you begging him to stay.

At best, he is a bully.

petalsandstars · 20/02/2016 11:10

IfI don't accept the telling off/argue back/ignore etc then it turns into a massive fight, with him threatening to leave, packing his bags in front of our crying daughter. I then have to apologize and beg him to stay

You don't have to accept it

You can choose to say "ok neither of us are happy in this situation so do as you want to and leave"

He won't go though. He likes having this control over you. I'd be making an exit plan myself as this is teaching your DC how to manipulate and be abusive in their future relationships.

Original poster
AmIUnreasonablePlease · 20/02/2016 11:18

No he wouldn't be the one left to deal with the crumbs. I'm the one who does the most of the housework and cleans up all the crumbs and packets he leaves about the place.

I have told him that I won't argue or discuss it in front of the kids. the problem is he keeps on and on, telling them I'm in a mood, asking me what's wrong, why won't I talk, I'm horrible, I'm leaving him stressed, he has to worry about the fight for the whole day etc.

We've agreed on house rules and discipline before. It doesn't follow through :(

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIUnreasonablePlease · 20/02/2016 11:20

The thing is he says it's mostly me. That I'm the one being awful, I'm manipulative, I'm controlling, that I won't let him be happy, that he's trying, that he just wants a quiet life, that he's not allowed to make mistakes etc... and I wonder perhaps it is me. If I sorted myself out, if I gave him more chances, if I didn't disagree or argue back maybe he's right. Maybe it is me. Perhaps I'm over reacting as he says, what if it is all in my head...

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 20/02/2016 11:29

Change il pack my bags and leave to il stab you with a knife.

I know it sounds dramatic so stick with me

Both of those are threats and are used to control.

You would instantly recognise the 2nd one and would not live like that and. Take actions to stop it happening again.

The first one though you think somehow you are complicit in it so you have a responsibility in what happens.

But they are both the same! Don't let him hoodwink you into thinking it's your fault and your job to bend so the kids have a dad and you have a husband!

StableYard · 20/02/2016 11:33

You have a choice. Either stay and be miserable as nothing will change. This means putting up with everything being his way for yours and your children's entire life until they are old enough to escape and maybe never come back...or.... leave.

Make a decision, stick to it and be happy with that decision. Either one is fine BUT you have to be happy and satisfied with it otherwise you will just continue being unhappy.

If you know that you can live like how he wants you to live then stay. If not then leave.

I know it isnt as simple as this but until you make that decision no-one on here or in RL can help you.

Ginkypig · 20/02/2016 11:38

Yes to stableyard!

liz70 · 20/02/2016 11:41

Honestly, OP, in your place I would be insisting on him attending relationship counselling with you if there's to be any chance of your marriage being anything other than controlling and one-sided. If he refuses then I think you need to ask yourself if you really want to live any longer like this. Something has to change; that much is clear.

Greyponcho · 20/02/2016 11:47

His threats to leave are controlling and manipulative...
How long will this go on before you'll be totally down-trodden and walking on eggshells with him?
Could be that something is really stressing him out, could be work, could be something he's not letting on about...
The most reasonable thing to do would be to plan a time when you can both have a discussion without DD there, so he can explain "what's crawled up your ass" and you can explain your annoyance at not following through with ground rules etc. - if he threatens to walk out, you might just have to let him. I think that in doing this, you've been reasonable in discussing things, and shown strength that you're not prepared for him to control you.

The standard you accept for yourself is the standard you're showing is acceptable for your DD too... what would you say to her if she was in this position?

Birdsgottafly · 20/02/2016 11:57

""like I'm letting my kids down (he always does it it seems when my eldest is around""

So if you don't force a change, you've accepted that he's Emotionally Abusing your children? as well as you and it is only a matter of time, before she's placating him and blaming herself, as well.

Then she'll take that into all of her Adult relationships.

I'll put money on that one day your DD will also beg her abuser to stay, or still be friends with her.

Headmelt · 20/02/2016 11:59

I think you are both being unreasonable. Fighting/bickering over this, sounds like an over-reaction and a front for other problems in your relationship. You were unreasonable for being oversensitive just because he asked your dd rather than asking you. He was unreasonable for being rude. You were both being very unreasonable, bickering in front of your dd and using your dd as a reason to pick an argument. She is 5, try to keep your arguments between you and your DH and don't make your dd's home life uncomfortable or put her in the middle of your problems.

Headmelt · 20/02/2016 12:21

If I don't accept the telling off/argue back/ignore etc then it turns into a massive fight, with him threatening to leave, packing his bags in front of our crying daughter.
Problem solved. The next time this ^^ happens, send your dc out somewhere. Let him pack and get out. The relationship is toxic. He is willing to go, let him go.

I then have to apologize and beg him to stay
Why are you begging him to stay? What are you getting from this relationship, that makes you want to stay rather than giving you and your dc a better quality of life? You are choosing to live in this environment (and forcing it on your dc by staying). If he won't go, then you go and take your dc with you. You have options and choices.

Witchend · 20/02/2016 14:10

We weren't allowed to eat on the living room as children. DF used to frequently have meals on a tray.
Wasn't a big issue, I don't remember ever feeling it was unfair. Knew he'd make less mess than us.

Fatmomma99 · 20/02/2016 14:19

I'm really sorry, but this sounds like emotional abuse to me. He sounds terrible. I hope you're ok.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread