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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask him to change his days off?

50 replies

fastingmum123 · 19/02/2016 13:15

I work 3 nights a week 8-7 and have 3 dcs aged 11, 8 and 5. During term time this works fine with me sleeping during school time and picking them up at 3 but the holidays aren't going so well. I can grab a bit of sleep here and there but it's not fair to leave them to keep themselves amused for hours on end plus they just argue anyway. My job is very physically demanding and I'm finding it so hard to cope.

This week I have had 3hours sleep over the last two days and I feel awful I'm snappy with the children and just feel sick.

So I've put an idea to dp he works days and gets two random days off a week (usually not the weekend) my thought was to see if he could arrange those two days to correspond with the ones I need to sleep. It would only be during holiday time and I can't see many of his colleagues being upset as it would mean they where more likely to get weekends off. Anyway I just asked if he could mention it and see what they say.

Maybe it's me being over tired but I felt like he thought I was being a bit out of order for suggesting this. I've told him we have to do something and that if its not that i will have to sort some sort of childcare as its not fair on anyone. I'm not sure if we could actually afford childcare but I've got to do something.

So my question is does this sound like a stupid idea?

OP posts:

CooPie10 · 19/02/2016 14:19

Yanbu, it seems like child care is entirely your problem. That's not fair. When does he think you get to sleep?

BitOutOfPractice · 19/02/2016 14:20

He does have a tendency to see his days off as "his time"

There's your problem, right there!

Eva50 · 19/02/2016 14:22

If he could even get off one of the days you need to sleep each week you could use a holiday club for the two younger ones for one day and dd could watch them for a few hour on the third day as a nap would do if you are not working that night. I can empathise. I did ten years of nights with very little childcare and it almost finished me off.

gleekster · 19/02/2016 14:22

YANBU and he needs to step up. I had this with XH - the only thing that worked for me was saying, very calmly, that I was going to resign as I couldn't carry on the way things were.

Good luck.

scallopsrgreat · 19/02/2016 14:23

Yep, what OnlyLovers says. When do you get your down time? Does he not think you are entitled to sleep?

He sounds incredibly selfish and uncaring tbh. How could you not notice your partner is struggling on that little sleep and not want to help? He is supposed to care for you and your children.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/02/2016 14:41

Yet another prick of a man who thinks that his needs come before anyone else's, and that all domestic work and childcare are women's responsibilities.

His selfishness is actually endangering your health. Sure, his employers might not have been totally co operative over varying his shifts, but there would probably have been some leeway available and a combination of different shifts, annual leave, favours from friends and a little paid childcare could have been worked out - but this man thinks his leisure time is what matters.

You might want to have a think about how you would manage without him in the house, because men like this rarely improve.

Inertia · 19/02/2016 14:45

If we won't give up any of his 'me' time, then he'll need to face up to losing some of his 'me' money so that the household budget can pay for holiday childcare.

MrsJayy · 19/02/2016 14:48

Meh he just lost sympathy me time my arse

EweAreHere · 19/02/2016 14:55

He doesn't want to do childcare on his days off?! It's not childcare ... it's parenting! And he needs to help parent!

I hate people who think like your DP, leaving it all for you to sort out and moaning when he's asked to do his share as a member of the family.

EweAreHere · 19/02/2016 15:00

And out of curiosity, how does he view YOUR days off? Are you supposed to be doing all the errands, shopping and chores for the family on YOUR days off?

Original poster

fastingmum123 · 19/02/2016 15:17

My days off tend to be just doing the dull stuff that needs to be done or hasn't got done on my work days. The most exciting thing I do is driving lessons and maybe meet family members for a coffee.

He does have the children if he's off on a day I need to sleep but there's that air of "aren't I doing an amazing thing/you should be eternally grateful" about it

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/02/2016 15:27

"He does have a tendency to see his days off as "his time" and often moans if we do anything like shopping on those days."
He needs to grow the fuck up.

Original poster

fastingmum123 · 19/02/2016 15:34

Oh bloody great just got a call from his mum who has just spoken to dp. Got a lecture on what's the point of me working if I have to pay for child care and the big "when my children where young I gave up work as that's what you should do....blah blah blah!" I have nothing against sahm I was one for a while but was so miserable as I like my independence and hate relying on someone else for money. She's a firm believer in you shouldn't have children if you aren't willing to give up everything for them.

Really didn't need that when I feel like this.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/02/2016 15:37

"She's a firm believer in you shouldn't have children if you aren't willing to give up everything for them."
Then she should tell that to her son. The one who thinks his wife can exist on no sleep at all.

Original poster

fastingmum123 · 19/02/2016 15:38

Oh no it's the woman's job to do that. Wonder where he gets his views from!

OP posts:

rookiemere · 19/02/2016 15:40

But presumably if you are in the position where you can't afford occasional childcare, then your family is not in the position to give up 33 hrs salary from your income.

You could tell her that if her DS earned more money that you wouldn't need to work and/or you could afford childcare, but that would probably wouldn't be helpful.

OP I'm sorry you're in this position. Working nights is hard on everyone, but especially you as your P is taking the p rather than stepping up to the mark.

I said earlier to threaten to give up your job but that sounds exactly what your P and his DM want you to do, and given that I'd be loath to give up your financial independence. Is there any possibility of shifting to daytime hours now all 3 are at school?
If not then see how much the summer holiday schemes cost Difficult with 3, but you could also swop childcare with other parents?

GreenSand · 19/02/2016 15:41

Could you change your work days in the holidays to fall over Fri, Sat and Sunday nights? While not all of it will have DP around the next day, it would only be Xmas, Easter and Summer hols that would cause can ongoing problem. If you can combine that with DP shifting some days off, life could be better for you all, but you are both compromising. I'm not sure why DP needs to be the one always asking for certain hours in the school holidays?

But, yes, he needs to parent his kids.

WeAllHaveWings · 19/02/2016 15:42

I slightly agree with your MIL in that if you have children you've got to be willing to make some sacrifices for them - BUT it 2016 and that includes your dp too!!

My dh works short hours mid week to do the school run and then catches up at weekends if he needs to (self employed tradesman). If your dp can get the days you need to sleep off of course he should be doing it.

Your dp also needs to man up and tell his mummy to butt out.

Thattimeofyearagain · 19/02/2016 16:16

YANBU, but your dp and his mum are.

EweAreHere · 19/02/2016 16:42

Ask your MIL what's the point of her darling son working if he has to pay for childcare.

It all comes from the same pot, and they are just as much his responsibility as they are yours.

Original poster

fastingmum123 · 19/02/2016 17:21

Nearly pointed out I earn the same as do for less hours so it would make more sense for him to give up but couldn't be assed with talking to her about it.

As for the giving up things for your children I was a very unhappy sahm for 10yrs. I took a night job so I could still be around for the school runs ect.

OP posts:

OnlyLovers · 19/02/2016 17:26

Well, MIL can butt right out can't she.

Tell him straight: he does some parenting or you talk about paid childcare.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 20/02/2016 10:27

A condition of going back to work after being a sahm (which I mostly enjoyed but felt incredibly guilty about and started having "what's the point of me" moments about, and resenting the financial dependants once youngest turned 4) was that DH do proportionally more child care. I work 6am - 2pm (shifts so not always the same days, but always the same shift) and he has had to change his hours on some days to do the morning school run, plus I work those hours at weekends a lot and then of course he does all the child care. Our kids are very similar ages to yours.

Your DP absolutely has to step up, or else you (plural - jointly and equally) need to pay for and get the kids to childcare.

His mum is being an arse with double standards in this case - its her son she should be talking to about having to give up a significant amount more of his time off to take care of his own kids. He should be doing that as a matter of course, not have to be asked - she clearly didn't bring him up properly in this respect.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 20/02/2016 10:28

*dependence not dependants

scandichick · 20/02/2016 13:30

I'm so pissed off on your behalf, the apple didn't fall far from the tree there... You're absolutely not unreasonable, and he'll need to step up. If you'd earn more working FT he could stay at home to provide childcare then, couldn't he?

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