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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

loss of sexual appetite after baby number 2

18 replies

crazymummy123 · 19/02/2016 08:58

my baby is now 11 weeks old and my husband keeps hassling me for sex. i don't mind having sex but he wants the foreplay, the HJs and BJs and i really have no desire to give them to him. i feel awful about this and feel as though i should. i realise men have needs and to be honest if i did give him it, then it would probably help me out massively as he would be less stressed and probably do more to help me but i really can't face it, it doesn't even cross my mind and i am far from selfish so what is the matter with me? please someone answer its driving me crazy.
Thanks xxx

OP posts:

NeedACleverNN · 19/02/2016 09:04

Your husband is out of order for hassling really.

You have just given birth 11 weeks ago. Your hormones are all over the place. He shouldn't be asking for sex but asking how he can help.

I have lost my (my little)drive at the moment much to my dh's disappointment but he doesn't hassle me. He supports me.

In fact we went two years without Sex once as I had no drive and had a lot of damage from birth. He was frustrated and asked me to help him toss off which I agreed to but he supported me either way.

When we did get back on it, I fell pregnant with our son and lost my drive all over again. Bless him

percythepenguin · 19/02/2016 09:05

Maybe suggest if he helped you out more and acted less stressed that you might be more likely to be in the mood? (my DS2 is 18 weeks and still no action here, partly due to still having some pain from a third degree tear but if I wasn't so knackered I'd be more inclined to try!)

Passionfruitpavlova · 19/02/2016 09:08

I really feel for you and so want you to ask your husband to cut you some slack on this one. Men won't ever be able to understand what it feels like to have a baby and to experience the exhaustion and full-on nature of being a new mum. I think having sex after having a baby is very much an individual choice, and some women (myself included) have no desire afterwards for many months, being so wrapped up with your newborn. Can you suggest he gives himself some 'pleasure' instead? It's difficult for you if you feel you have to pleasure him in order to get anything back from him. Motherhood is damned hard work and his sexual needs are not top priority! Wishing you luck, and hoping you can be brave on this one OP

Outaboutnowt · 19/02/2016 09:09

Tell your husband to back off and stop pressuring you for sex. You've just had a baby, and you have an older child, I imagine you've got a lot on your hands at the minute. Not wanting sex is completely normal. if you don't want sex that is fine.
Whatever needs he has, they don't trump your needs, and if at the moment you need more time then he has to respect that. Please don't feel like you should be doing anything you don't want to do, you don't owe him sex.

Original poster

crazymummy123 · 19/02/2016 10:01

hi thanks for replying, i am definitely brave am tell him i need more help and that i may resent him from time to time. he has no difficulty in pleasuring himself he does this a lot. i can tell him how I'm feeling, that i need help or I've had a bad day as we said we be open and let each other no how we were feeling so to support each other however its like i tell him these things and they go in one ear and the other. i know he loves me and he is 14 years older than me. none of this ever happened with my first so I've no idea what to do. as i said its driving me crazy anymore advise lol thank you so much xx

OP posts:

Original poster

crazymummy123 · 19/02/2016 10:05

also i don't mind having sex, we have had sex at least twice its the oral and foreplay i don't want to do which is what he wants most. i didn't really enjoy it before i had my baby but we did it. now even talking about it feels repulsive I've told him we need to ease back into. i feel like its our first time all over again but as i said in my earlier post its like he takes it on board there and then and then suddenly forgets. I have never seen him as selfish but suddenly thats all i see him as. i fear for our relationship i love him dearly and have no idea what to do.

OP posts:

rageagainsttheBIL · 19/02/2016 10:12

He is being extremely selfish and insensitive. You are having sex with jim, just not up for certain things right now, and that would be entirely valid whether you'd had a baby 11 weeks ago or not.

It sounds like it's entirely about his pleasure, urgh

rageagainsttheBIL · 19/02/2016 10:13

Him not Jim! Haha

RedFlagsOnTheRight · 19/02/2016 11:31

My DH is very patient but I know he misses sex and for him sex and affection are intertwined. I had no sexual desire after the birth, but when we had sex at 12weeks pp I really enjoyed it. Felt intimate and loving and I was able to have multiple orgasms with minimal effort (not something I experienced before!) But oddly the desire to initiate sex is still absent, it's only when he's inside me that I feel that desire. Afterwards I feel wonderfully de-stressed and bonded with him and he's far less grumpy!
However I dislike HJs or BJs and have no energy for foreplay.
I had bad abrasions and tearing but they've healed with scar-tissue, no pain but feels very tight so maybe that contributes to extra sensation!

He shouldn't hassle you though. You're looking after a tiny baby so giving sexual favours isn't a priority and he needs to realise this!

Wait until you feel ready, then make sex about mutual pleasure not just satisfying him.

babyandnames · 19/02/2016 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

crazymummy123 · 19/02/2016 11:43

Thanks for replying. I tried to say this to him, I said we have had sex and I am up for it, it's just I'm not up for the foreplay or initiating sex as you said. However he replied 'oh well thanks' as though he was thinking well thanks at least for giving me the sex. Is this just him been a selfish twat? Lol He even praises me and calls me his amazing wife for how well I do with handling everything and how much I do, but he soon forgets all that when he doesn't get what he wants. He says he wakes up horny and goes to bed horny and it's becoming an issue for him! It's like having another child that requires more attention and demands things. Sorry for the epic reply! Thanks for reading xx

OP posts:

TooOldForGlitter · 19/02/2016 11:58

If you can shake off the mindset that "men have needs" then you will start to see your husbands behaviour for what it is - horribly selfish. Men don't have needs anymore than women do, we are just told that so that we feel guilty if we don't pander to them.

You really do not want to be in a position where you are having to exchange sex for a husband doing his equal share in the home and with the children.

Original poster

crazymummy123 · 19/02/2016 12:11

That's definately how it can feel sometimes. :( thanks for replying TooOldForGlitter x

OP posts:

TooOldForGlitter · 19/02/2016 12:43

Time for a sit down and a very serious talk then OP.

If you can manage everything without his 'help' (and you say he 'praises' you for this) then he should be doing his utmost to prove to you that you actually want him in your life because, at the moment, what is he doing, other than causing you stress and upset because of his neeeeeds?

Original poster

crazymummy123 · 19/02/2016 16:14

Hi again sorry for the late response, your advice is very much appreciated. He does help at times, he feels he's doing his best, he's great with my other son, and we do have serious talks when we feel it's needed. I spoke to him earlier in the phone whilst he was at work about this 'sex' issue and he feels he's done nothing wrong, he says that I know what he likes (the oral more than anything else) and so he feels we should be doing that. I've told him I just need time we will get back into that and at the time he understands and tries to be supportive but then a couple of days later it will be back to him and his needs and I'm just sick of hearing it, it feels like he hasn't listened. Thanks again for replying it's very much appreciated as I said before and understand if your bored of the subject or talking to me about this lol thankyou xx

OP posts:

TooOldForGlitter · 19/02/2016 16:27

You don't need to keep apologising, you have as much right to post and be heard here as anyone else.

Of course your husband isn't going to feel like he has done anything wrong if he is used to getting his own way all the time! He piles on the pressure, makes you feel guilty and you give in and then the cycle starts again.

You may find that it is helpful to get this thread moved to Relationships. There is such a wealth of advice over there. AIBU is so fast moving that threads can tend to drop off the page quite quickly.

Original poster

crazymummy123 · 19/02/2016 17:16

Ok thanks again you've been great xx

OP posts:

TooOldForGlitter · 19/02/2016 18:48

Take your time to process what's been said and don't feel you can't come back. It can be hard to hear other people be so blunt (me included) but an outside perspective can be useful.

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