to think none of us are shit mums?

[FedoraTheExplora]

Inspired by a different goody thread.. But I really think if you're on here saying about how you feel guilty about crying all day/ not playing with them enough/ working all day/ formula feeding/ not cracking sleeping/ eating/ behaviour/ potty training etc., or not having the absolute best time of your lives getting your bleeding nipple bitten, or your hair pulled for the thousandth time that day, or playing mums and dads on repeat for 5 hours, or 'answering muuuuuuum?' for the 67th time that day - then there is absolutely no way you're a shit mum, because you care enough to feel guilt even when your shit mood is absolutely justified?

I follow this amazing woman on Facebook called Constance Hall.. Anyone that's fed up of parental one upmanship on social media should absolutely follow her, she's great. Anyway, she just said:
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"Because that 1 thing that makes you feel like a shit mum.. Is parental guilt.

And shit mums don't have parental guilt. "
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If you're spending time worrying that you're not doing a good enough job as a mum, then obviously you love and want to be the absolute best mum you can be - which in my eyes makes you fucking fantastic.

AIBU to think this?

Is she the one on Facebook who did the apology to the woman who's husband she stole? Australian lady?

Oh she is Australian, yes. I've only been following her for a month or two so I haven't heard that. I just like her because I feel she's a breath of fresh air - on Facebook it's overwhelmingly common to see parents display a rose tinted ideal of parenting. To be honest, I do it too. A few days ago, I posted a collation of videos of my baby laughing - it's caption said something to the effect of 'How lucky are we to have the happiest baby in the world, all you have to do is look at her and she is in hysterics' - of course she has her moody, clingy moments and there are times when she drives me up the wall and I have to sit her in her cot so I can go and take five when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

But I'm not going to post these moments on Facebook. So it's easy to think other mums are better than you, or to feel guilty that you don't spend your days giggling at your DC. That's why I like her. She is massively open about the shit parts of being a mum, she tries to make it clear that everyone has shit moments, and she reiterates that having these shit moments doesn't making you a shit mum. Which I think is a message a lot of us need to hear after a crappy day.

YY Worra the bad parent Top Trumps. And sometimes the brilliant parent ones too.

I agree most of us are muddling through. Making a few mistakes on the way, but hoping for the best.

Not sure what we were supposed to make of the other thread.

Either way I think the majority of us are just muddling through, and doing the best we can....with crossed fingers 

I agree. I don't want my post to be seen as enabling neglectful/ abusive parents. It wasn't supposed to be a post which means - 'your child is being negatively impacted by your behaviour, but you feel guilty so never mind, that means your a great mummy xxx'

It was more a post to the mums who can't/ choose not to breastfeed, who have to (or even want to) go back to work, who's child's behaviour is out of control no matter how hard they try to improve it, who's baby won't sleep more than an hour no matter what they do, who can't stay to role play for more than 15 minutes - though they do like crafting and baking with their kid, who loses their patience and snaps at their child as they ask the 48th question about mine craft..

It was more about us distinctively average parents, who might feel that were a bit shit sometimes, that could benefit from a post that tells them they're doing just fine

I agree with what Worra wrote. Some mums who feel so guilty and come on here self-flagellating about being shit mums truly are shit mums, they post about how guilty they feel but they don't listen to advice. These are usually the threads that go OP: AIBU? MN: YABU! OP: no I'm not. They always have a reason why every solution offered wouldn't work for them. They must be left to their guilt, but it's wrong to say that the guilt in itself means they are not shit parents.

I read a quote (don't know the source to acknowledge I'm afraid) that said 'the very fact that you worry about being a good mum means that you already are one'. It's a bit twee and definitely not one size fits all, but I think it's a more acceptable/less controversial version of the guilt theory?

I think it sums up a lot of MM posts. We're here trying to figure if we're doing it right or learn better ways, mostly because we care about doing a good job.

I saw the other thread briefly and I think it was missing the point that many people who start threads here are doing so because they are struggling with something and need some support. There will always be more of that than threads about how great they feel and not asking for any advice!

I read a quote (don't know the source to acknowledge I'm afraid) that said 'the very fact that you worry about being a good mum means that you already are one'. It's a bit twee and definitely not one size fits all, but I think it's a more acceptable/less controversial version of the guilt theory?

That probably would have been more of a fitting quote than the one I posted to express my point. Thank you

My mum told me when I was pregnant that there would be days or weeks I felt like a shit mum and if I was worried about it, it probably meant I wasn't.

I have a great relationship with my mum and dad so know I can talk to them and they reassure me and tell me stories of how they felt similar when I was a kid. I don't remember them being anything but amazing. But our relationship is that good that I know they would tell me if I was being an overall shit parent.

They did to my brother, he was and took it in the chin.