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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To re-end this friendship?

46 replies

MissterBean · 17/02/2016 18:32

I have been friends with this 'friend' for well over 10 years. We were very close, talking daily and meeting up often, she was almost as close as a sister. We both had 2 boys each of similar ages, so bonded over that also.

In 2013 I became pregnant with my 3rd child (a dd) unfortunately at that time the relationship with my then partner broke down, and he decided not to be in the baby's life. Later on during the pregnancy the baby was diagnosed with something the consultants thought at that time was life threatening, luckily it wasn't as bad as first thought, but my dd later needed an operation not long after her birth.

Once my dd was born my friend's attitude began to change quite dramatically. She was no longer as supportive as she previously had been, and began excluding me from 'exciting' events, such as music concerts etc. By the time my daughter came to have her operation my friend had gone completely no contact with me with no reason given. She then deleted me from all social media. We had had no arguments, no falling outs, nothing.

I was so hurt by this, because she had gone from being excited with me and visiting my dd, to not even asking after her during her operation. I still to this day do not know what caused her to be this way, but I always felt that there was an element of hidden jealousy that I had another baby, and that it was a girl.

One year later she made contact with me again, and tried to act as if nothing had happened, and even boasted about how well she was doing in work etc. I have been cordial since that time but I am still feeling hurt...

Now months on she has found herself pregnant after a one night stand. The father has chosen to walk away, so she is in a similar predicament to the one I was in. Not only that but she has recently found out the baby is a girl. She has been up and down given the circumstances, but is over the moon she is having a girl, however it has brought back lots of negative feelings for me...I want to support her, but I just can't forget how she treated me during my own time of need.

I know it all sounds a little schoolgirl-ish but would I be wrong now to make a permanent end to our friendship? I just don't know how we can continue on as if nothing happened.

OP posts:

hefzi · 17/02/2016 21:47

If you do back away now, though, you are missing the chance to be the "bigger person" - fine if you can't manage that, of course: but it will look on the outside a lot like tit-for-tat/schoolyard behaviour.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2016 21:52

hefzi op is best just to distance herself, it's not tit for tat, why shoukd op be picked up and out down by this 'friend' whenever the mood takes her, she is no friend, life is too short for crap like that.

hefzi · 17/02/2016 21:59

Aeroflot oh, I agree with you - but I wouldn't have let her pick me back up in the first place: I was just pointing out that she could gain the upper hand by giving a demonstration of exactly how to support a friend in difficult circumstances, that would not only be a nice thing to do (in the abstract, of course) but might make the "friend" realise how badly she's behaved.

Ditching her now, in her situation, is going to seem to the friend not that she's been ditched because she behaved badly, but that OP is "getting her own back" for having been ditched in similar circumstances previously: that's all I meant. Like I said, I wouldn't have been picked back up - but I definitely don't think this is a relationship that adds anything of value to OP's life.

Original poster

MissterBean · 17/02/2016 22:26

When she contacted me after the year of silence, it was a "hi, how are you" kind of message. I did not respond immediately - days later I think - and kept it short and sweet. But I think I replied, because at that time I had greatly missed our friendship. I don't have any siblings, or cousins my own age, I didn't and still don't really have a friend who filled that gap, and there were many times in that year, that I wished I could talk to her about certain things. But now that feeling has worn off.

I have supported her through a teenage pregnancy, going to university, struggling and dropping out, the birth of her second child - where she herself was in the wrong by preventing the father from having access to their son - and now this...a one night stand, where she lied and said she was on the coil, to a man she had only met on the same night she conceived.

We are both in our 30's, I have always tried not to be judgmental (the bigger person I guess...), and to just advise and support her where she asks for help. But I could not always say the same when the shoe was on the other foot. When my children's father walked out of my life, she basically told me to stop going on about him and to move on. When I spoke about dating, she described my love life thus far as being "fruitless", and that I was too picky. Those are only examples, and that's not to say she was always this way (she wasn't), but I do feel I have always tried to just be nice and accept everyone has their own issues that cause them to behave in the way that they do.

I think what happened after my dd was born was just the icing on the cake. You can only forgive and forget so much I suppose.

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 17/02/2016 22:27

You're only human OP, you were treated badly at a time full of unimaginable worry for you. Your relationship broke down, your DD was unwell, then needed an operation and you also had 2 other DCs to think about. So Im not surprised you felt hurt. I wouldn't disappear on a mate in those circumstances

I actually think its ok to just not want to be the bigger person all the time, and just do what suits you best. You can't live your life on what other people do or may think all the time. Do what suits you. If this friend doesn't make you feel good, if you don't want a reminder of the bad feelings you had at the time she dumped you, then don't re-visit it all if you don't want to. You don't have to be in her life or have her in yours.

She's come back and made no reference to how she treated you. Its up to you of course but in your shoes I could live without her and not feel a great need to be her source of support right now. Always best as much as possible to have people around you that value you and make you feel good about yourself, and to whom you can afford the same.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 17/02/2016 22:39

I could live without being the bigger person if it meant not getting treated with contempt by a "friend" tbh

MadamDeathstare · 17/02/2016 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

holeinmyheart · 17/02/2016 22:50

I think the balance of your relationship from what you say, may have been a bit one sided OP. There can be a loved one and a loving one in a relationship. If it is too weighted on one side, for whatever reason, then it leads to one of the two people feeling neglected.

I think there is a reasonable amount of certainty that your so called friend will do this to you again.UNLESS you can have a full and frank discussion with her about why she frosted you off.

No one is perfect and you may have done something to her that she didn't like. It may have been very trivial or even imagined on her part. It may have been impossible for her to discuss it with you. You after all are struggling with discussing what went wrong, with her.

After a year she may have missed you as well, and thought better of what ever led her to ignore you.

Perhaps you could do with a referee between the two of you to explore what happened. You loved each other like sisters once, it may be worth trying again.

springydaffs · 17/02/2016 22:52

Well, your new 'friendship' was paper thin and along comes this great weight and your 'friendship' can't sustain it.

When she got back in touch perhaps you hoped she would apologise, give an account, but she didn't. You were still in making up your mind what you wanted territory and now this has come along you know you absolutely don't want to go that deep.

Don't blame you.

Hissy · 17/02/2016 22:54

I don't blame you at all for wanting to distance yourself.

honeylulu · 17/02/2016 23:07

I feel for you OP. My sister effectively cut me out of her life when I had a baby girl (we both had boys). If i saw her at family weddings etc she blanked us. Very recently after more than two years she suddenly reappeared, making a lot of effort and seemingly wanting to resume our relationship as it had once been (very close).
I've been cordial, like you, mainly because the situation is otherwise awful for other family members. Also I do love her and have missed her. But I'm so aware of how she hurt me and I'm definitely keeping her at arms length. I get how you feel.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/02/2016 08:43

hefzi I would just have ignored her message, and hope she goes away. Why should op be the bigger person, at the expense of her feelings. The 'friend' has demonstrated how easy it is to drop a good friend, and I bet she will do that again no doubt. I would give her information on who could help her and move on from her! She comes to you because she wants something.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/02/2016 08:45

That she can drop her very good friend easily like that, and try to wipe her out and act as if nothing has happened would be a massive dealbreaker in the friendship. Unfortunately she is not the friend op thought she was.

zeetea · 18/02/2016 09:27

I like what mistress said. Sometimes being the bigger person means doing what's best for you, above someone else, even if its not an ideal from the outside. I've had a handful of shitty friends that have dropped and picked me up when it suited them, I always tried to feel the same for them the second or third rounds but in the end the friendships just wore me down and made me miserable because I could never truly believe in their sincerity. It's a waste of time, and I'm much happier without them.

I would call it quits, but have a discussion with her first so you can explain your feelings

Viviennemary · 18/02/2016 10:17

I agree that being the bigger person means doing what feels right for you. She gave scant regard for your feelings. And being the bigger person does not mean taking rotten treatment from anybody. Being treated like this by so called 'friends' does nothing for your feelings of self esteem and self worth. And why should people tolerate this.

blobbityblob · 18/02/2016 11:02

I had a similar issue with a friend dropping me then wanting to reappear. I tried but the trust/respect was gone. So I just treat it as a more casual friendship now. I wouldn't confide in her or go out of my way for her but quite happy to have a drink and talk about the weather.

It's not about spite. It's about self preservation really. That kind of close friendship where you support one another, confide has to be reciprocal. Otherwise you're left feeling upset, undervalued, treated badly.

Original poster

MissterBean · 18/02/2016 12:37

Thanks for all the replies everyone, it's been nice to be able to vent and have people understand, even if it may seem trivial to some.

Springy - that pretty much describes things. I had reservations about resurrecting our friendship initially, but her current situation is too much for me to manage. I've moved on to a positive place without her in my life, and she still seems to be caught up in negativity and drama...I feel that it will take only one perceived slight, for her to act in exactly the same way towards me again, and I could already see small signs.

I sent her a message last night, explaining that I felt unable to continue to support her as a friend, that I was still hurt by how suddenly she cut me off, without explanation, and that given the circumstances I felt that she could do the same thing again. I also told her that as a result I would be moving on from the friendship, although I wished her the best.

She hasn't replied, and although I'm sad about a permanent end to a friendship, I feel that a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 18/02/2016 15:24

Good going Misster, put that one to bed and forget about it now.

Witchend · 18/02/2016 17:44

So she was jealous of you at a point where you were suddenly on your own and your unborn baby was diagnosed with a life threatening condition which was going to require at best an operation while they were still tiny?
Doesn't seem that likely. I think more likely is she didn't know what to say, felt whatever she said sounded pathetically smug and did the rather nasty, but sadly common response of distancing herself. Maybe you even gave her that impression from what you said.

The time to tell her how hurtful that was has gone. Dropping her now looks like you have gone to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Original poster

MissterBean · 18/02/2016 20:08

No Witchend. My dd had already been born and diagnosed with a rare, but not life threatening condition, before my now ex-friend disappeared. She was very full on at this point, had been to visit her, bought presents and spoken eagerly about babysitting in future. It was during the weeks after this that she suddenly stopped talking to me - our last conversation was about hair! The next thing I knew I'd been blocked on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram and she roped in
her sister (who I'd known for just as long, and had no trouble with) to do the same.

OP posts:

amarmai · 18/02/2016 21:00

maybe if her sister cd give you a version of WHY? and the exf cd give you a version and between them might be the truth?

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