To detest two faced behaviour?

[BlackberryGrumble]

I don't mean being polite and civil to someone if you don't like them, but I hate it when people say things about someone and then act like they are best mates with them at other times.

There is a mum who has a DD at my DD's school who is, quite frankly awful. She is very pushy, very rude (prides herself on being honest and speaking her mind), quite nasty at times, and does things like phones other parents if their child falls out with her child. I do not like this woman at all and avoid her. I am coolly polite if I see her but do not engage with her in any conversations, am not FB friends with her and do not have anything to do with her socially.

Lots of other mums at the school openly bitch about her all the time and say that they dislike her (I do not start these conversations with them btw, they openly say these things with no prompting, and I do not bitch about her myself). They constantly say about how pushy she is, about how she has phoned them as their DD said something that upset her DD, and that she is rude and says nasty things.

However, they ALL are extremely friendly with/to her despite saying these things behind her back.

For example, they are all Facebook friends with her. This week so far three different school mums have tagged this woman in FB statuses saying they've had a 'lovely catch up' with her. Another mum who bitches about her all the time meets her every Thursday night and goes to the gym with her. This woman is always invited to everything; nights out, meet ups with the kids, everything. She was out at the weekend at another mum's birthday meal (this mum also moans about her).

The fact that so many of the other mums are being two faced is really putting me off them all, despite the fact that they are nice to me (to my face, at least!) and all seem lovely. I just don't think that being two-faced is a particularly nice trait to have.

AIBU to really dislike this kind of behaviour?

Twowrongs, this woman always makes childcare demands too, and the others bitch about having to collect her DD/have her DD while she has a weekend away, but no one ever seems to dare say no.

YANBU. Try to find some kinder and more straightforward people. If they gossip about others, they may well do it to you too.

I understand why you don't like it. I don't like that either.

People view these sorts of things really differently. I still can't work out which is better: to have the integrity not to bitch ever; to never spend time with people you don't like if you can help it; or to be super nice as pie to everyone's face, then do quite a lot of bitching to get it off your chest.

I see people doing all three and tbh I don't see any one group being worse off than the others, except possibly the 'I never talk to anyone I don't like' people who seem quite unhappy/socially challenged in the main (not always but you know...) We all get the measure of one another really, don't we? And rub along in the main.

They've probably all got threads going on MN about her that they need to keep updated.

You can really like someone, and still complain about them. Don't you ever complain about your partner?

I forgot option 4 in my list, which is to just be a full on bitch all the time to everyone.

I've known a couple

Yes it's irritating to watch.

I would assume they do it for the kids if their children are friendly, and the way they deal with her flaws is by venting to others.

There are people I don't like but for the sake of children involved I'll plaster on a smile and be civilised. I'm fairly discreet about my real feelings and only share them with closest friends/family.

I also don't feel any loyalty to these people don't don't feel bad about being two faced. I am sure they know how I really feel but also go along with the fake smiles.

But.., I don't go out of my way to spend time with them.

Sometimes, a common enemy is how other friendships bond. There will be a cycle of everyone slating off everyone else to one another.

Definitely best to keep out if it and let it go over your head.

They're scared of her

YABU to not like the two-facedness. People justify it in various ways but to me it just shows you can't be trusted.

During, YANBU not YABU.

FFS durr not during. Going away now...

I think they're scared of her and are trying to keep her sweet op - probably hanging on until secondary tbh.

I get where you're coming from though - there is a difference between complaining about someone occasionally and batching about them on a daily basis. The balance has to tip in favour of positive statements/sentiments that have been expressed IMO.

YANBU. I see this often, in fact there are a couple of mums who seriously dislike another mum at school, one called her a cunt (to me) before, but she is quite friendly and chatty to her. I know they call it being polite but it's downright being her friend. She will also get invited along to stuff, but it's billed as 'we can't leave her out' (I don't have the same issue with her, she doesn't bother me) so not sure if that could be part of it with your group?

I can't do it. If I don't like someone, I can stretch to a civil hello and keep it at that. I'm not going to stand and have chats with them and I certainly wouldn't invite them anywhere or friend them on Facebook. There is a mum at school who is quite batshit crazy and sends essays of texts to other parents, including 'your child pushed mine today, I know my child is far too sweet to do anything like this' etc etc. It's beyond tedious and over my dead body will she be getting my phone number. Even the class teacher has warned other parents to keep away from her, but many are really friendly and lovely to her face despite them really disliking her. I honestly don't get it.

YANBU. I bloody hate it. I had to remove myself from a conversation with someone last week who was speaking about her 'friend' with such vitriol I was quite shocked (I am friendly with the other friend). Lo and behold, my friend was tagged on FB in a photo with this woman draped all over her saying what a fab night she'd had with her 'bestie'. This was on the same day she'd tried to tear her to shreds in my company. Unreal.