to think you should respect what she would have wanted?

[3sugarsplease]

Firstly I do suspect that some aspects I am being unreasonable with however my emotions are everywhere and I'm just lost as to how to feel.

My sister sadly passed away a couple of days ago. She was mid twenties and had been battling for over a year with terminal illness. I am a couple of years younger than her with a small baby. My mum raised us alone for around half of our lives until she met my dad. (Stepfather but we call him DF) as you can imagine we were very close.

She was engaged to her partner of a couple years before diagnosis but they quickly married after they found out. My sister had a very difficult relationship with her in-laws and were incredibly dismissive of her condition after she was diagnosed. For the first couple of months they did lots of fancy OTT things but then suddenly they dropped her and they stopped bothering to see her or even contact to see how she was. His mother didn't approve of them marrying either as she didn't understand why he was marrying someone who was dying.

My entire family, mother, father, brother (step brother) sister in law and myself cared for my sister. And my partner works 7 days a week to ensure I could stop work early to spend more time with my sister and also that I haven't had to go and find work after my DC was born so I could spend time with her again. Her husband has not cared for her he went to work every single day, we even offered to support them so he could have time with her and he said he would take time off 'when the time was right' I would like to add that my sister worked up until around 3 months before she passed away.

She had been in the hospice numerous times in the last couple of months and not once did any of his family members text her to check in or call to see how she was doing. It was only in the last 3 weeks before she passed his mother suddenly began to turn up, send flowers etc. When caring for my sister her husband told me that his mother was coming over and my sister told me she didn't want her there but she still came, and then made my sister in law subsequently leave as there was 'too many people there' even though he know my sister adored my sister in law and despised his mother. My sister was also a very proud and private person and did not like people seeing at her weakest. She always wore her wig around certain people, would wear clothes instead of PJ's, and it angered me that he let his mother come around when she was very drugged up and in no fit state for people and let his mother see her like that.

When she passed, my entire family was there, minus my partner as he was at home with DC.
We all got to say goodbye we all had moments alone with her and my mother washed and dressed her after. The next day her husband took his parents up as well as trying to bring his sister to see her. It angered me. These people did not bother with her when she was here, they were mean and insulting and how dare they see her so weak and vulnerable like that when I know she would have hated it. It hurts me to know that they could have touched her hand, and I can't explain but it doesn't feel right knowing they are the last ones to see her? I bit my tongue as I didn't want to argue or upset him.

we are currently arranging service plans and he keeps making decisions that are hurting me. He has now decided that during the service he wants his sister mentioned as a sister to Marie. She wasn't her sister she was mine. I cared for her I washed her, I did those things for her. I don't want to share her. This girl abandoned my sister in her time of need, why should she be mentioned?!

We also agreed on the ashes and now he has decided to keep some of hers. He also has talked about her life insurance money and how he is planning to buy a house soon. It just feels so wrong and I want to scream at him and the world.

Thank you to all still reading. I suspect I am being unreasonable but I just want to scream right now.

I am so sorry for your loss 3sugars. You and your sister were clearly very close and you must feel devastated.

Please try to remember though that your devastation over her death is not exclusive - I am sure that her husband is devastated too, but is coping in a different way - as we all do. Your relationships with your sister were obviously very different, so of course you are going to grieve differently.

How he chooses to spend what she has left him is entirely his choice. It seems a sensible legacy for him to invest in something like a house to build some foundations for his future - something I'm sure your sister would have wanted.

Legally of course, he is her next of kin - it was your sister's choice for this to be so. So he could - if he wanted to - have the service entirely his way. He could keep all of her ashes.

Your anger at him and his family is understandable - you are hurting like crazy in your grief and want to lash out. I feel that it's probably misplaced as they are all grieving for their loss too. Please try not to compare your grief, as if somehow hoppy our loss is greater. I'm sorry, but it's not; it's different, but not greater or less than his. Remember, he has been widowed in his 20s - that's a pretty shitty hand to be dealt. And for you, having your sister die at such a young age is just so cruel. I really am so sorry,

In time, definitely seek some counselling if you would feel that it would help. Cruse is good, but isn't available in all areas and usually has quite a waiting list. Have a Google of The Compassionate Friends. It's an organisation/support group for families who have lost a child, whatever their age. There are also other groups specifically if you have lost a sibling. If you're feeling kind towards your BIL, please point him in the direction of WAY Widowed and Young. He'll find support for him there.

Wishing you and your family much love and strength and this very difficult time.

Very sorry for your loss

For what it's worth, I think your post should be about you. It's your chance to vent. It sounds like you've been selfless for a long time caring for your poor sister. It's a very sad story.

Your brother in law is being so thoughtless. I can't believe he has even referred to insurance money so soon! How crass! I would also hate the thought of his inconsiderate family being the last to see her. Could you have arranged one last visit after they left, just so his family were not the last ones to see her?

I don't know who your brother in law is expecting to acknowledge his sister, but at funerals it is normal for more than one person to speak - and possible to arrange one more without making a fuss or bringing too much attention to it... I'm sure it could be arranged for someone from your family to say a few words and mention, on your sister's behalf, the care from and time spent with named members of your family. You could include her Dh's name in the list, but not his family (as this would very specifically be your family, acting on her behalf, thanking people who actually helped and were there for her). Would that help?

I'm annoyed on your behalf, because losing someone close hurts enough without all of this, but don't let it consume you - it's not worth it

Do remember that the last moments before she died, and also when she was still conscious, were the most important ones for her. You and your family were there for her when it mattered. Not to mention all the happy memories of being a close family and spending time together before she got sick. You and your family will always have those and no amount of careless disregard on the part your brother in law or his family can take that away.

But do look after yourself and your mum, and the rest of your family. Focus on your needs and wishes in grieving.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I agree that grief affects people in different ways and her husband may be bottling things up. Quite often, before the funeral people can be focused on practicalities and it doesn't hit them until later.

Your feelings are valid and I hope you can make peace with yourself. It must be devastating to lose your sister.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be such a terrible time for you and your family.
But please remember, that just as you are struggling to understand and explain how your grief is making you feel, so may be the DH? I presume he is quite young too, so has never dealt with this before and is probably talking with many people about how he should do things. Everyone will have different opinions and his mind must be a jumble of a mess.
Can you speak with the hospice about grief counselling?
And do you think you could visit your sister where she is currently? Maybe let her DH know that you are doing this (out of respect for him).
I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling, but hope that this stage of anger soon passes.

Having recently cared for my nan we lost her in October. I did all the things you mentioned you did for your sister so I can completely understand where you're coming from. Your Bil hose to go to work every day while you cared for her and now he gets the final say on everything. It would seriously piss me off too op. I did go to see my nan at the funeral place, It actually did help me process that she's not here anymore, its a just a body that was no good to her that's left.

But I think you have to step back, take a few deep breathes and remember your sister chose him, she loved him and married him and chose him to do all this as much as it hurts you have to believe in your sister and who she chose. You all know the truth that you and your family cared for her. It's disrespectful of him to not include you all in her arrangements with regards to wording etc.

But to be honest a few months on from now and none of it will matter at all. A the time I was so consumed with anger over my 2 uncles who hadn't bothered to go and see my nan at all for the past 5 years getting a share of her inheritance money. Not even a phone call and they suddenly come into money, But I can see now that although they didn't bother with her, she loved them unconditionally and would have wanted them to have something. It doesn't bother me at all now that they got something I feel sorry for them for having to lie to people making out how loving they were to her at her funeral. People see more than you realise and will know the truth that you and your family cared for your sister.

I do, like others have suggested, recommend some grief counselling. Its only now that it's hitting me really, People deal with grief really differently as i've unfortunately seen first hand. Its best not to judge others on what they do or say at this time as every single thing can be taken out of context as everyones emotions are so raw. Concentrate on yourself, take care OP and I hope you do choose to have a private blessing.

im sorry for your loss yes i can understand your anger.but think of it this way your sister had passed on by the time inlaws saw her so she would not have known they were there .i would have a quiet word with the priest /minister and say so and so was her sil .they will do this they will get it right .i realise there will be a lot of hurt and anger its natural .but take care of yourself and your little family you will get there

3Sugars, I am so sorry for your loss, you must be in bits.

I hope you don't mind, but I just wanted to put my perspective, as a widow to my DH who died of cancer. I am lucky - I am very close to his family, but things were incredibly tense around the time he died. I really resented how close his sister was to him and how she cared for him, and I struggled with that for quite some time - I saw it as being about her needs rather than his. And it probably was, but that's just the way it was. I (quietly) resented how his family took over the funeral arrangements - they didn't like that he had requested to be cremated, and so coerced me into having his ashes interred. I wish they hadn't been. But short of getting a court order to have them exhumed, there's nothing I can do about that now.

I guess the point that I am trying to make is that at that awful time, no-one could do right for doing wrong: it's just the way things were as everything was wrong - he was dying/had just died.

Just try and step into your BIL's shoes for a moment. Imagine that he was writing this post from his point of view...

"Please can you help? My DW has just died following an awful, long illness. I am distraught but her family don't seem to want to let me in. During her illness, her sister and mother cared for her in the hospice. I had to work - I had no choice, but I was there for her whenever I could be. I loved that time I spent with her, as painful as it was. Since she died, I feel that her family have become more distant. I mentioned my plans for the life insurance - plans that DW and I had discussed when she was ill. She was so pleased that at least I had something to help me build a future without her and I desperately need something to cling to now as I just don't know what I am going to do without her - I loved her so much.

I caught wind that they are planning their own service for my wife without me there. I just feel completely cut out, as if our marriage just didn't exist or wasn't important. I don't know what to do. It feels that everything I try to do, everything I say just causes offence."

I'm really not having a go OP. I cannot imagine just how awful it is to lose a sibling. But it would be wonderful if you could all try and be supportive of each other at such a hideous time.

Thank you to all posters. It is helping look at things in a new light.

My sister has written her own eulogy. She has mentioned everyone that she wanted mentioned. I feel that my brother in law by adding his own people to the people mentioned is making it what he wanted as opposed to what she wanted.

She told both my mother and him, that she wanted some ashes to be made into jewellery and the rest of them to be scattered at a special place. I want her wishes to be respected in the fact that that is what SHE wanted. He even text me the other day and said, this is what I want and think she would love.

All I want is for everything that she asked for and wished to be held up and respected.

Also in regards to the money. Do not for one minute think I begrudge him that money. I can't imagine what he is going through, yes he should buy a house, make a positive investment etc. But he equally discussed her life insurance policy when she was alive and now she has passed and its 3 days later it disgusts me that he is thinking about that.

Thank you to all the posters.

for all those who have lost special people. I know I am not the first nor am I the last. I just do not know how to handle my emotions at the moment.

3sugars I lost my dad last year. I wasn't there when he died (suddenly) so I visited him in the chapel of rest with the coffin open. I completely get what you've said about feeling that your sister is still there, just locked away. On the day of his funeral there was a delay at the crem, and I stayed by the open door of the hearse talking to him so that he wasn't alone. When you love someone so much, they don't die the minute their heart stops beating. I was lucky. Our family were completely agreed on what should happen and Dad had left some instructions that we were happy to follow.

However at the end of December (just gone) my friend's mum died. She had been married to friend's stepfather for over 25 years, they had both lost their first spouse to illness when they married. Friend is one of three, and the youngest one was particularly close to her mum. There has been a lot of tension (and at times shouting matches) between youngest and stepfather, because both feel that their relationship to the deceased was more important than the other's. Neither of them is seeing or respecting things from the other's pov. It's a very difficult time when there's more than one family involved.

This is a time of grieving for your sister. Try not to get too angry over your BIL, don't fall into the trap of thinking your loss trumps his, because that way you won't have the time to grieve and to remember your sister for all that she was, and your memories of this time will be full of anger, resentment and bitterness. Do small private things just for you and your family - they'll be meaningful to you and to her.

Hugs to you in your grief.

I cannot add anything apart from saying a bond with a sister is truly special and my heart goes out to you.

Sweetheart. We discussed insurance policies before my mothers funeral. My mother left clear instructions and we didn't do exactly as she wanted. Dad didn't. Because she was gone it doesn't matter. Honestly.

Phequer - it does matter though to me and my family, that she is respected. If she said to me, I've left you £1000 and I want you to spend it on this I would. It's just what I believe is the right thing. When she was alive and he mentioned coming into money and rubbed his fingers together (symbolising money) it broke my heart and my mothers.

I don't believe my loss is any greater than his, I don't understand what it's like to loose my partner, but he doesn't understand from my mothers perspective what it's like to loose a daughter and he doesn't know what it's like to loose a sister. I just want to honour what she wanted.

Regarding the money - I posted the documents for my husband's life assurance an hour or so before he died (believing it was going to be paid out on terminal illness and not sure exactly when he was going to die). That money (in fact any money I have come into since he died) is so bittersweet. It's nice to have, but I would hand it all back in a second if it meant that he was back, fighting fit.

It doesn't sound like he's a million miles away from you regarding the ashes. I would really advise you not to do anything with them for a little while anyway - that way you know that any decision you do make will be the right thing.

You're in such early days, it's all so raw for you. But please don't drive your BIL away. This was the man your sister loved - she chose to live the rest of her life with him.

I just wanted to say thank you to all the posters (with the exception of one...)

My brother in law decided today he wanted to remove her belongings from the house and although I would not personally have done that so soon, I have respected his decision and understood his reasons for doing so. My mother and I have ended up with many of my sisters belongings also which are also so special to us.

Thank you again.

3sugars I am very for your loss . I totally agree with you, and would feel the same way. Her husband sounds really awful, how he pushed his parents in when she was dying, and disrespecting her wishes, to what he is doing now! I don't know what you can do. Big hugs to you all.

Everything your bil is doing is not right but unfortunately there is nothing you can do. You and your family sound like ye surrounded your dsis with love and that was an awesome thing to do. For her sake now don't let that love be marred by horrible infighting about her funeral. Rise above his crass comments and keep that love flowing. It's the most respectful and dignified thing ye can do for her now. Let no horrible talk come from your side then ye will surely know ye are not responsible for spoiling her memory in any way. The hard thing for ye to accept is her dh makes the decisions. She put that in place so honour here wishes in that respect. Ye will be glad later as her memory won't have been tarnished.

Please don't beat yourself up about the way you feel. I lost my precious dad when I was a very young mum. His whole funeral was hijacked by his 'grieving widow', who treated him so badly during his life. The eulogy was a farce, and never mentioned anything of reality about him.

I was so angry, it made my grief so much harder to bear. You and your family are try to cope with so much. . Most likely you don't have much energy left for battling people who did not want to respect your sisters wishes.

I wonder if going to a quiet place, telling your sister how sorry you are that you could not protect her in her final days, but that you will live your life how she would have wanted you to. I think she will understand and be glad and relieved that your family remained dignified and respectful during her last days. It seems to me that you treated her in-laws in a far more generous way than they treated you sister. I think she would have been very proud of you.