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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu?! relationship?! I don't know :(

39 replies

ticklepicklepockle · 16/02/2016 20:31

Hey,

Slightly new here and first time poster.
I'm a FTM, partner works hard in a outdoor, full on labouring type job, doesn't help a lot with the baby, often sleeps in spare room so he gets a good night sleep etc
Last night, LO went to sleep fine, until 9, wide awake, wanting to play, brought him in with us and just chilled. LO started yawning so got ready to put but to bed, but he was fussy and adamant he did not want to sleep. I was exhausted, I do it all, tried and tried to get LO back to sleep but he wouldn't. Partner could see I was at breaking point, just got up and went to the spare room. After an hour or so, I had to put baby down and just walk away. I was about to crack up ( I feel awful about this) he then came in and I said 'your turn' and walked out. We haven't spoken since and I tried to apologise this morning but he says 'you need help', I said no, I just need you to help more. AIBU? I know he works hard, but we have no family, no extra help, so I really don't get a break.

(The dog also shat on the carpet and he cleaned it up with a letter and dustpan, I wanted to kick him)

He has gone to work and we haven't spoken. I don't really know what to do, how do I get him to help more? It can't all be on me?

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 18/02/2016 03:07

Hobby that takes up weekend and costs ££££. Well how about him cutting that down a bit so you get some family time and can hire a cleaner or other type of help to come in at least twice a week before you keel over!

Catsize · 18/02/2016 08:07

Totally unreasonable to pursue such a time-consuming hobby. Life changes when you have a baby. He needs to grow up. How would he react if you suggesting taking up a hobby that consumed the weekends?

firesidechat · 18/02/2016 08:25

He is being very unsupportive.

My husband didn't do much in the way of night time stuff because he had a demanding job with a long commute and I was breastfeeding. This was by mutual agreement.

However he slept in our bed and never took himself off to sleep elsewhere and the instant he heard me getting stressed and upset, he would be there like a shot to take over. 99% of the time I didn't need him, but he was always there when I did. It's what you want from a partner and my personal definition of support.

I always worry when I read threads like this because it really shouldn't need spelling out to men or women.

ReggaeShark · 18/02/2016 08:32

I'd be tempted to stay with my parents in the UK until he the baby grows up a bit.

Muskateersmummy · 18/02/2016 08:35

I think he needs to step up more too, but I think there may be a different way for him too. I can understand him not wanting to be doing night stuff when he has a busy work day ahead of him with a very strenuous job, my dh and I do a very similar thing. I do nights so he can get a good nights sleep (I operate better on 2 hours sleep than he does ) but what he does do is take over when he gets in. He comes in, gets changed and then would take the child, he would then do bath and bed routine so I could relax a bit before we have dinner.

Maybe you need to enlist his help at a different time to give you a chance to recharge a little bit?

I think he also needs to help more at the weekend. It's not fair that he gets to spend his whole weekend doing his hobby, there needs to be some better balance. I think these things come in time, but you need to speak clearly, and honestly about how you feel and what you need and try to find compromises.

Can you get a babysitter, go out for dinner and have a good natter?

harshbuttrue1980 · 18/02/2016 08:43

It sounds as though neither of you are happy with what the other is expecting you to do. Is there any way of achieving a different split of everything? If he is working full-time in an exhausting job, is there any way he could cut down his hours? You could then get a part-time job, and the burden of supporting the family wouldn't be all on him. Likewise, he would have to share the childcare, so the burden of that wouldn't be all on you.

It doesn't sound like either of you have a particularly nice life at the moment.

BillSykesDog · 18/02/2016 08:45

My husband does a similar job. On week nights I did everything, because as you say, dangerous if something goes wrong, the job is long and physically exhausting. But one day at the weekend he would do all night and get up with the baby in the morning to let me sleep in as long as needed. It's really rotten he's not doing at least one night, he should be cutting back on his hobby, he's living like he's single with a housemaid tbh.

DaddyDr · 18/02/2016 08:59

To OP,please let me give you a snippet of how it works in our house, just to give you an understanding of how badly you're being treated in this.
Background, There's me, wife, 2 yo DS, 5wk DD.
I work a very physical job, my wife's on maternity leave for another 5 months from her (main breadwinner) mentally draining job.
I get in from work at 18:00, put DS in the bath, play cars in his room with him for 10 min, then read him his bed time story, and he's in bed for 18:30 ish
Whilst I'm doing that my wife is cooking our tea.
We eat at about 19:30. So between 18:30-19:30 I've played with DD.
After tea, my wife goes for a rest upstairs then to sleep about 21:00. Whilst I stay up with DD, I stack the dishwasher and tidy/clean up the kitchen, then I feed her about 22:30 and putt her down to sleep about 23:00. I then go to bed.
My wife gets up and does night feed with DD about 3 in the morning, then comes back to bed about 4. (Can't wait till that stops)
I then get up at 6 with DD to feed her before I head out to work again at 6:45.
When I get back from work, we do it all again; but with me cooking and my wife putting DS to bed.
But I always stay up to do her 22:30 fed and get up to do her 6:00 fed.
@the weekend I take DS swimming/rugby/bike ride and soon I'll start taking DD with me too, giving my wife a good chance to recharge.

before DD arrived as a hobby I used to race Radio controlled cars every couple of weeks to the point I qualified in last year's world final and came a very good 25th out of several thousands. It's something I really enjoy, but you know what. Stuff happens and things change. So far this year I've raced just once, all because I know where I should and where I want to be.

I'm not telling you this because it's anything special, but to show that this is how it should be in a 2 parent family. Real men step up, not run away when confronted with a challenge.

BadDoGooder · 18/02/2016 09:18

DaddyDr I've read your posts before and you sound like an excellent partner!
My DP is like you, he works a very hard, manual job, gets up at 5am, frequently doesn't get home till 7ish.
He has always made time for DS, and at the very least will whisk him off for a bath and story so I can have 5 mins to myself.
In the early days he'd get up and help if I was stressed with night feeds, and, most crucially, put his very important hobby (in a band that plays in Europe at least a couple of times a year) on the back burner until we had got the very difficult newborn/tiny baby stage out of the way.

His hobby takes up an extra night a week atm, plus the odd weekend away, but I in no way begrudge him this, because DS is nearly 4 and he gave up so much in the first year to help.

OP it shouldn't be like this, the newborn and infant stage is very hard, and he should be stepping up to the plate as a partner, your DC is only tiny once, but he has lots of time to get back to his hobby. As DaddyDr said "real men step up, not run away"

for you.

Muskateersmummy · 18/02/2016 10:23

Daddydr your routine sounds very similar to my and my dh. Except we only have the one so once she is in bed, we both have some chill out time, then I go to bed and he does some work from home and or housework.

Pseudo341 · 18/02/2016 10:29

He needs to ditch his hobby and look after his family. It's one thing leaving you to deal with the baby when he needs to be able to function at work, but quite another to prioritize his hobby over supporting you. DH and I have given up on the idea of having much of a life outside the home while the kids are small, we'll pick things up further down the line. He should be home on the weekend doing a decent share of the childcare so that you can get some sleep.

DaddyDr · 18/02/2016 10:34

BadDoGooder

DaddyDrI've read your posts before and you sound like an excellent partner!*

I do don't I. I do find I'm part of a dying breed

in all seriousness though, my wife and kids deserve so much more. When I look at how grumpy I can get oh so grumpy I do think I need to stop being such a pita for them.

Gobbolino6 · 18/02/2016 10:49

YANBU. The way things are, he works FT and you work 24/7 on call. That's very unfair.

Youngta · 18/02/2016 11:00

I would highly recommend two things: 1. Plan a weekend away (just one night) so that you can get some sleep and he gets a feel for how hard it is to be on your own looking after a baby with no support.

Find a babysitter who can watch them for a couple of hours a week so you can sleep / shop / save your mental health! I found a nanny who looked after a neighbours children who didn't work on Fridays so I would get her to come so I could have 2-3 hours off. It completely saved me.(my husband is very supportive but has a very demanding job and at the time was travelling a lot)

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